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Original poster

To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

457 replies

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:50

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

  1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
  2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
  3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
  4. other suggestions welcome
OP posts:
OonaStubbs · 14/07/2025 16:03

A pie should not have 9 slices it should have an even number.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 16:01

Number 3 but I always go for the nuclear option be cause I can't stand narcissists and that's the best way to get them out of my life! Not helpful but my honest answer!

Canijustsayonething · 14/07/2025 16:01

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 15:26

I'm so sorry to hear that.

this is my big fear too. I have a daughter, only a baby at the moment, but I just won't have her hearing this toxic shit.

One of my mum's things at the moment is that I'm breastfeeding, which she doesn't like anyway. But especially because I am not one of those women who finds that breastfeeding assists with weight loss, with both my kids my baby weight really hung on while I was feeding (and I had the appetite of a horse to boot) and then when I stopped feeding I naturally tapered back to my usual weight.

I have no issues with this but my mum CONSTANTLY makes comments about how it will be good when I'm not feeding any more because I can lose the weight, how it's such a shame that the weight doesn't 'fall off' with feeding like it does for other women, how long do I plan on feeding for, etc. Even though my body is doing this brilliant thing of making food to nourish my baby, all she can think about is how it interacts with my weight.

I have told my mum a few times that we don't talk about weight / appetites etc in front of the kids. With my son she's much more likely to talk about how growing boys need plenty and how strong he is (because only women need to starve themselves into thinness, of course). She does do it less as a result of us talking to her but it still happens and when it's just me she still does it all the time.

She's never alone with my children and I do put a stop to it when it happens but it's just a lifelong battle.

Show quote history

If that's the case you need to do the nuclear option OP. You've had years of it already, she won't stop if you just ignore.

Geraldina · 14/07/2025 15:57

OP I can relate so much to your posts.

It ramped up another notch when you moved onto BF. My mum has always been very proud of having breastfed me and I received many lectures on its importance, particularly in that it allegedly helps the baby maintain a lower BMI as an adult. But as soon as my baby passed the age at which she'd stopped BFing - 12 weeks - there was this violent 360 and she was on my back about when will you stop feeding, don't you think the baby's getting a bit old for that now, it's really not the done thing you know. Seriously. With a 3 month old. It was pure jealousy. The day she perceived I'd "beaten her record" she didn't want to play any more. Absolutely zero actual interest in any real or imagined benefit to her own granddaughter's health.

I'm in camp just let it lie. My therapist has helped me get more control on how often I see her, and basically advises me to keep the kids away from her as much as I possibly can.

CremeEggThief · 14/07/2025 15:55

In my opinion, IF you knew your mum had been planning to visit, you should have saved her a slice of the pie, so soon after you posted it on the group.

However, as you did not know she was coming, YANBU.

OVienna · 14/07/2025 15:51

Bollindger · 14/07/2025 15:45

You agree with her.
works every time.
Mum . I will have some pie.
You. Explains it had all gone,
Mum. It would have lasted us a week.
You. Yes it would have but sorry it is gone.
Mum. It looked so nice . I wish we could have had some.
You . Yes we were proud of it, it was lovely.
Mum. I just can believe it was all eaten.
You. Yes it has all been eaten, do you want the recipe do you can make it?
Mum. But I was so looking forward to some.
You. We enjoyed it. Maybe you should make some,

This is a great script.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/07/2025 15:51

BunnyLake · 14/07/2025 15:47

I’ve never heard of that combination but I’d definitely try it if I saw it (or made it).

Pinterest has some recipes 🥳

Edited
Show quote history

I’ve often made it at a relative’s place in France (the crumble, anyway) since there’s rhubarb in the garden and strawberries from the local Carrefour don’t last 5 minutes - there are always some that need using up PDQ.

Pherian · 14/07/2025 15:50

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:50

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

  1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
  2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
  3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
  4. other suggestions welcome

Tell her to piss off.

TheBreezyGoldTurtle · 14/07/2025 15:49

My mum behaves like this at times and it causes no end of dramatic ordeals over various trivial things.

in this situation, I would be looking for the real reason behind the comments... for my mum, that would be that I'd shared the pie (and quality time) with my in laws. She gets jealous about them being closer than she is, and it's a lot easier to see them. But that they get in frequency, my parents get in longevity, with overnight visits etc.

is there another reason behind the fuss over the pie, do u think?

obv she still behaved like a dick either way

Milosc · 14/07/2025 15:48

Personally I would go with option 3 if she mentions it again. My mum was like this my whole life criticizing everything we ate and she was on a constant diet and still is at age 74. The first diet she put me on I was 7 because you can't be pudgy. 🙄 I developed anorexia and had to be hospitalized multiple times. It has been a struggle my whole life and she used to remark about when I was so thin and I snap back it's because I starved myself and almost died. The first time she said anything in front of my DC about food I shut her down and told her absolutely not that I would not tolerate it. She was really angry and tested me a few times but she had to get over it because I was not allowing it. One time I even packed up and left. My now much older young adult DCs roll their eyes about her food comments and know how obsessively unhealthy it is.

This is really damaging to children and adults and my children's well being was the most important thing to me. I don't blame you OP for being upset. Your kids having healthy views about food is more important than her pouty feelings.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/07/2025 15:48

I’m now craving a rhubarb and strawberry pie. Or a crumble. 😋

BunnyLake · 14/07/2025 15:47

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 15:43

Your first paragraph is very reasonable, but YABU for the second, strawberry and rhubarb is a heavenly combination! I highly recommend you take a chance on it 😉

Show quote history

I’ve never heard of that combination but I’d definitely try it if I saw it (or made it).

Pinterest has some recipes 🥳

Harrysmummy246 · 14/07/2025 15:46

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:50

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

  1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
  2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
  3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
  4. other suggestions welcome

4: just grey rock it, you know she'll cause more fuss

Bollindger · 14/07/2025 15:45

You agree with her.
works every time.
Mum . I will have some pie.
You. Explains it had all gone,
Mum. It would have lasted us a week.
You. Yes it would have but sorry it is gone.
Mum. It looked so nice . I wish we could have had some.
You . Yes we were proud of it, it was lovely.
Mum. I just can believe it was all eaten.
You. Yes it has all been eaten, do you want the recipe do you can make it?
Mum. But I was so looking forward to some.
You. We enjoyed it. Maybe you should make some,

BunnyLake · 14/07/2025 15:45

tinyspiny · 14/07/2025 12:08

Just Do nothing honestly life is too short to be getting hung up on rubbish like this .

This would be my choice.

Don’t engage in it any further. She’s never going to change so action is not going to solve anything. Just let it naturally dissipate. She’ll be on about something else next time anyway.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 14/07/2025 15:45

No be honest. I think all of your potential solutions come across as enabling a narcissist 🤷🏼‍♀️

If she goes ‘nuclear’ leave her to wallow in her own self pity

Canijustsayonething · 14/07/2025 15:44

My DGM was what you might call a “difficult woman” who could hold a grudge pending unwarranted apologies for non existent offences as if it were an Olympic sport.

I shouldn't laugh but haha 🤣...an Olympic sport...im gonna use that @C8H10N4O2

SquallyShowersLater · 14/07/2025 15:44

She obviously only came for the pie. She's miffed that she made the effort for nothing.

PrettyParrot · 14/07/2025 15:43

My mother was weird about food too. Lifelong bulimic, I later discovered.

If I'd had a conversation with her like this, I'd go for option 2. I'd also plan to say on one day when she seemed to be in a good mood, "Mum, do you think about food a lot? Only it seems to really worry you." If she responds defensively, you say "I just wondered, NVM" and change the subject.

If she's anything like mine she will brood and brood over it for weeks and it might seed some helpful thoughts (or not, but it's worth a go). Good luck!

Original poster
BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 15:43

JudgeJ · 14/07/2025 15:41

She and your father would have had a whole 180 degrees, you, your family and your in-laws had 72 degrees each, Oh mum, how could you manage 2.5 times what we each managed?

As a sideline, strawberries and rhubarb sounds revolting!!

Show quote history

Your first paragraph is very reasonable, but YABU for the second, strawberry and rhubarb is a heavenly combination! I highly recommend you take a chance on it 😉

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 14/07/2025 15:41

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:59

I should text her this and watch the world burn 😂

Show quote history

She and your father would have had a whole 180 degrees, you, your family and your in-laws had 72 degrees each, Oh mum, how could you manage 2.5 times what we each managed?

As a sideline, strawberries and rhubarb sounds revolting!!

TrustyRusty68 · 14/07/2025 15:41

Firstly, I’m impressed that you got 9 slices out of a pie!! Husband and I have been known to polish off a pie between us in 2 sittings 😂😂
Tough call - I’d probably bottle it and do number 1 after wasting way too much time thinking about it!! Short apology then see her less. Good luck :-)

EggnogNoggin · 14/07/2025 15:40

You don't have to do anything. I just wouldn't text her or answer her calls.

She'll realise what she's done and either adjust her behaviour or you'll end up low/no contact.

Teach people how you'll accept being treated.

Autie · 14/07/2025 15:39

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 12:07

Oh there is a long history and backstory too - she's the reason I have weekly therapy and has been a source of untold hurt and confusion in my life. I do genuinely believe she loves me, but her behaviour is and always has been very damaging to me.

Which is not to say she doesn't also have an eating disorder - I believe she does. And she has trauma from her own childhood which contributes to her being the way she is. I have made very gentle overtures to her about therapy and she was as angry as I've ever seen her at the suggestion, but she really would benefit I think.

I have a deep, dark fantasy that one day she and I will have a reckoning where we both say all the words we bite back and get the hurt out into the light to be sorted out and then instead of having this superficial, painful, spiky relationship where I'm always biting my tongue and yet still letting her down, we can become real, true friends who just love each other in an uncomplicated way. I just don't know how it could ever happen, though.

Show quote history

I have a terrible relationship with my own mother. She is very controlling around food, and my entire life in general. Her parents no longer want to speak to her because her father (my grandfather) has cancer, and my mum keeps telling him what he should and shouldn't eat. In my mother's own words - "I saw my dad eating a Cornish pasty and I told him he's not allowed to eat that when he's got cancer should only have organic vegetables!" And no wonder they won't speak to her. They've dealt with it that way. I personally speak to my mother once a month at most and she's only met my children in person once. I have had periods of almost 2 years with 0 contact after she's said something terrible.

Once she told me my son's disabilities were because of my parenting skills and what I feed him. People like this do not change they just get new victims. Ignore her. Make clear boundaries.

AnonymousBleep · 14/07/2025 15:39

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 12:07

Oh there is a long history and backstory too - she's the reason I have weekly therapy and has been a source of untold hurt and confusion in my life. I do genuinely believe she loves me, but her behaviour is and always has been very damaging to me.

Which is not to say she doesn't also have an eating disorder - I believe she does. And she has trauma from her own childhood which contributes to her being the way she is. I have made very gentle overtures to her about therapy and she was as angry as I've ever seen her at the suggestion, but she really would benefit I think.

I have a deep, dark fantasy that one day she and I will have a reckoning where we both say all the words we bite back and get the hurt out into the light to be sorted out and then instead of having this superficial, painful, spiky relationship where I'm always biting my tongue and yet still letting her down, we can become real, true friends who just love each other in an uncomplicated way. I just don't know how it could ever happen, though.

Show quote history

I really relate to this - what you say describes my relationship with my mum too. Not about food, really - although she always hints at me being too fat despite being a size 10 almost my entire life and I'm a good two sizes smaller than her - but we seem incapable of having anything beyond a superficial relationship because she was a pretty awful mother to me, to be honest, although comparatively fine with my siblings, and there's so much I am NOT telling her that I have to bite my tongue the entire time. There's no point telling her though because she never takes accountability for anything.