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Original poster

To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

457 replies

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:50

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

  1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
  2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
  3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
  4. other suggestions welcome
OP posts:
PixieTine · 14/07/2025 18:12

I wouldn’t apologise. I’d ignore/forget the subject. Carry on as normal. If she wants to sulk, let her - her loss!

It’s hard to know what the rest of your relationship is like from your first post, but if she’s irritating you, best to see her less anyway. You can be pleasant and breezy but keep more distance. If she’s critical of you generally, you can see her less and tell her less!

2025ismybestyear · 14/07/2025 18:07

3
Well done for not letting your terrible parenting from her affect your children's upbringing.

Richiewoo · 14/07/2025 17:59

Id not mention anything. Let her stew

ELMhouse · 14/07/2025 17:51

IPM · 14/07/2025 12:31

What do you mean by 'no need to entertain it' - how was I entertaining it? What should I have done instead?

I'll repeat it for a 3rd time then.

After you told her that other people shared the pie, that should've been the end of the conversation. Not "Oh well we enjoyed it" - no other justification at all.

Grey rock/the end etc.

I don't have an 'issue' with you 'seeking advice' on here but I do find it strange that you seem just as obsessed about this as your mother.

Just let it go 🤷‍♂️

Show quote history

If you havnt had this constantly throughout your life you dont know how hard it is to ‘let things go’ as these small interactions where OPs DM has goaded her or gone on at her and then she is the one that is now wronged (the DM) and is patiently waiting for an apology I imagine from OP whilst now doubt telling anyone who will listen how rude OP it’s (speaking from bitter DM experience OP). Then no it’s hard to let go, it’s hard to know the right thing to do, it’s hard not to get sucked in, I think OP genuinely appreciates the feedback even if it seems obvious to some of us!

good luck OP I would pick option 2 on ignore completely.

Pancakeflipper · 14/07/2025 17:48

Option 2.

Not worth going to war over. My mother delights in being "so thin" and makes out we are all greedy elephants (we are not). Makes her feel better.

Blueblell · 14/07/2025 17:47

Did she ask you if you had cream with it?

I would go with 1 for an easy life

honeybeetheoneandonly · 14/07/2025 17:45

I wouldn't acknowledge it any further and change the subject every time she tries to bring it up again. Going forward, I would stop excusing or explaining any circumstances because it'll just give her traction to come back to it.
"Could I have a slice of pie?"
"Pie's all gone mum"
"What, how did you eat it all?"
"Pie's gone mum. What did you say about your plans for Thursday?"
"But how did you eat a whole pie by yourself"
"Mum, I just asked about the plans on Thursday." Then firmly stick to the new subject. Repeat ad infinitum. Don't say you don't want to talk about the pie anymore and instead don't talk about the pie anymore.
Meant to add: this is the only solution I found to break out of the loop by resolutely not engaging anymore.

AdoraBell · 14/07/2025 17:36

YANBU OP don’t apologise until she apologises for making such a fuss over food.

LAMPS1 · 14/07/2025 17:35

I wouldn’t do anything.
Her drama is over. Don’t feed it.
No apology from you needed.

If she wants to talk about it more, just say ‘I’ve nothing else to say and I won’t be engaging with you over the subject of food again, specially in front of the children, so please drop it now’

saraclara · 14/07/2025 17:32

2

Keep your response as minimal as your response to what she said, should have been. You tried to justify where the pie went (and in doing so triggered her by mentioning the in-laws).

Your answer should have been "yes, it was delicious" followed by an instant change of subject. So your response to the text should be "let's not fall out over pie. What have you been doing today?"

longtompot · 14/07/2025 17:30

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:59

I should text her this and watch the world burn 😂

Show quote history

I would do option 2 first and depending on how (un)reasonable her reply I would then send her the above reply

Mrsphilmiller · 14/07/2025 17:30

Womblingmerrily · 14/07/2025 11:56

Don't apologise. Snapping was the natural consequence of her being a complete dick, repeatedly.

See her less and if she asks why, tell her 'I'm worried about the way you talk so negatively about food around my children.'

No, tell her you don’t want to share your homemade pies with her 🤓

Imisscoffee2021 · 14/07/2025 17:29

Ugh, sounds like my mum. Not with tiny appetite but just can't shut her yap on a subject and pushes and pushes and pushes. Then when you react like a normal person and push back after she's ignored all the none verbal cues she takes offence and then tries to guilt trip and thinks shes always being picked on, why does everyone treat me like this etc etc. It's frustrating and like you I have a superficial relationship, it sounds awful but last time I saw her I found it quite hard to want to give her a hug which is incredibly sad :( I worry about some of her views being voiced around my child too as he grows.

Number 2 is what I would do in your list because I know that any attempt at a revelation in your mum will not happen, especially at her age. Solidarity though!

MrsCarson · 14/07/2025 17:28

Ignore and carry on like nothing happened.
Should she dare to mention it again. Don't explain yourself. Just say something like "Hell yeah we ate it all, it was bloody gorgeous" Then change the subject.

Firefly100 · 14/07/2025 17:28

4 - ‘yes I was hurt too at the implication I was greedy- how about we both just put it behind us as I don’t want to fall out with you over this’

tartyflette · 14/07/2025 17:26

TreeDudette · 14/07/2025 13:00

Strawberry and Rhubarb?? (misses point totally). I like rhubarb and strawerry but never thought of them as together flavours!

Strawberry and rhubarb crumble is the absolute best. (On a cool summer's day, obviously.)
The fragrance and sweetness of the strawberries complements the sharp, vegetal rhubarb beautifully.
(I would love to do 3 but would probably end up going with 2.)

fruitypancake · 14/07/2025 17:26

Reckon you should make DM a pie …

Atina321 · 14/07/2025 17:24

Here complete overreaction was probably because she is permanently hungry!

Next time cook her a whole pie so she’s less hangry.

widowtocricket · 14/07/2025 17:21

The only reason I know this wasn’t me posting is because I’ve never made a pie like that!!
But you are describing my mum to a tee!!
It’s exhausting & draining dealing with someone like this & we spend a lifetime undoing the damage while trying to prevent them from doing more to our children. I am also in therapy trying to make my peace with many things from my childhood and to try not to pass on any learned behaviours.

Personally I would be inclined not to apologise. I don’t think you have anything to apologise for you. You gave an answer 5 times which she didn’t accept. If you apologise now you are validating her behaviour & she can continue the guilt tripping. Remember we cannot change these people’s behaviours, however we can change the response that we give to them.

By not responding you are strong boundaries & a clear message that you refuse to engage. If she tries to bring it up you can deflect with I’ve give you my answer, 5 times no less, you just refuse to accept it.

Hopefully by sending a strong message now it may help to stop these behaviours. You may also need to have a few key phrases to help with other things. For example this is a happy food house, we don’t discuss these things here thank you. Then change the subject & move on. It’s really difficult but with practise you can do it & your mum won’t get the response that expects from you.

MaryTheTurtle · 14/07/2025 17:18

I wouldn’t have explained.
Even if I’d eaten the entire pie by myself. It’s not her business.
So what if would feed her and her husband for a week - in my hose anythin that tasty is devoured

MysteryNameChange · 14/07/2025 17:17

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 15:16

This is the pie crust recipe I use: https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/all-butter-pie-crust/

That makes enough for the bottom and top of the pie. I wanted a lattice top so I doubled it, which made more than I needed so I froze the leftovers.

Your pastry needs to chill for at least 2 hours before rolling out.

If you can't be bothered making pastry, ready made sweet shortcrust from the shops is fine!

The filling is as follows:

800g rhubarb, washed and chopped into chunks
450g hulled strawberries, mix of halved and quartered
160g caster sugar
zest of an orange
Half a tsp salt
35g of cornflour
25g butter

  1. Roll half of your pie crust into a circle and then place in a pie dish. Trim the edges.
  2. rub the orange zest into the sugar with your finger tips to release the orange scent
  3. mix all of the filling ingredients except the butter together in a large bowl and then leave loosely covered on the worktop for two hours, or in the fridge overnight (I think the latter option is better)
  4. drain the juices from the mixture through a sieve into a small saucepan. You can squash the fruit a bit to get the juices through the sieve if needed.
  5. Put the drained fruit into your pie dish (no need to blind bake this one).
  6. bring the juices to a boil then simmer for a few minutes until they're really thick
  7. add the juice mixture to the pie. It will firm up on contact with the cold fruit. Give it a bit of a mix but don't worry about it being uneven.
  8. dot the butter about over the filling
  9. roll out and add your pastry lid. Crimp the edges and cut a small vent in the centre.
  10. egg wash (or milk if you prefer) the lid.
  11. chill the pie in the fridge for 20 mins while your oven heats to 220c.
  12. place the pie on a metal baking tray in the oven and bake for 25 mins. Then reduce the oven temp to 190c and bake for another 35 or so mins, until it is golden brown and the filling is bubbling. If the pastry is getting too brown too soon, cover in tin foil
  13. Let the pie cool completely before cutting or it will be too wet to slice properly
  14. very nice with cream or custard!

I felt really sorry for you, having such an unhinged Mum, until I saw that recipe. That sounds fucking delicious, I'd go on about it if I'd missed out on that.

Flowers You have my sympathy I have a family member like this. I just look blankly or baffled when they start going on and they don't do it so much anymore. It is sad though. They go on and on about how they couldn't possible eat an entire sandwich, how massive our portions are, it's like they won't allow themselves to eat a proper meal. And then they binge eat crisps and biscuits.

bigfacthunter · 14/07/2025 17:07

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 12:40

Well since your suggestion is exactly what I did, and it didn't work, there's no need to repeat it a fourth time.

I don't know why you're so keen to draw an equivalence between me and my mother. We are nothing alike, and your snide commentary about how we're both equally obsessed is very wide of the mark. Other posters have had no difficulty understanding that. If you're struggling to get it, maybe it's time for you to let this thread go and share your wisdom somewhere else.

Show quote history

I think I’ve spotted an opportunity to start practising your grey rocking skills OP 😂

Bellyblueboy · 14/07/2025 17:05

This is my mum. There is absolutely an obsession about food and how much she eats compared to what others eat. She boasts about her small portion sizes and he size 8 figure. She constantly describes people by their weight.

you can’t call any of her behavior out (and it goes much wider than food) or she explodes.

I would love to text your mum in this situation:

’ We will never so this from each others perspective- so can I ask for the sake of our relationship that you don’t comment on what I and my family eat.’

your mum, like my mum, responds very poorly to boundaries. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have them

Notellinganyone · 14/07/2025 17:03

@IPM - not sure why you are repeatedly missing the point on this thread. OP is very articulate and genuinely asking for advice.

peachesarenom · 14/07/2025 16:57

I would go with number 3 but number 2 prolly more sensible