To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

No 2 and keep your distance she won't ever change now .

Generational trauma can show up in this way.
It trickles down and as you have recognised , you don't want it affecting your DC
The shame of poverty became a heavy burden and so it was deflected onto women who were shamed in turn .
Emotional immaturity always shows up in addictive behaviours , not dealing with unpleasant feelings just passing it on.
A false sense of control appears and it feeds the ego of those who have zero self esteem
Even better she can belittle and mock you.

She controls with FOG as her mother probably did
It's the hall mark of toxic families

Fear, obligation and guilt

You need to step out of her game as suggested up thread.
Do not
JADE

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Broken record technique

There's no pie left -say once ignore any further digs
Set a boundary -I've nothing further to say on that DM
Then use a neutral statement or deflector if you need to reply

Anyway what a lovely day/ did you hear auntie Nellie's cat had triplets/ more tea?
Bright and breezy

Personally I would ditch the family WhatsApp and put her on an information diet
Only talk about general things and don't disclose personal information -you know it will be an opportunity to criticise/ belittle

I totally get your wish that she was a loving kind supportive mother, that will never fade and its ok to grieve that whilst understanding she isn't like that and putting in protection for yourself and your family.
Be the one who stepped out and broke the toxic family mould

What's wrong with 40 degree slices?

My 47 year old sister still has food issues from how our mum was, around food.
i distinctly remember at the age of 13 shopping for a dress for a Christmas school party and my mum insisting I would only find something in Evan’s. My sister who was 20 was with us and told mum that I was normal sized and would absolutely find something in her perceived normal size dresses.
Your mum needs to be very very careful around small children with her vile opinions.

If you want to carry on posting food photos and stop because of this, aren't you just giving in to a bully?

Haven't read the full thread, but how about asking her to come and bake the same pie with you and explain gently while you're cooking it? Maybe she doesn't understand how difficult she's being, and genuinely wanted to try some pie, an then felt left out or embarrassed 🤷. Perhaps cooking together would help? Or perhaps not.

Sorry about your situation OP.

Late boomer here as in was born in ‘57. Let me tell you the message we got from about 11 onwards.
Have you got cellulite? Unforgivable, check every day for this sin and starve until it’s gone.
Can you pinch an inch? Unforgivable, starve until it’s gone.
Have you tried the cabbage /branflakes/lemon water/ zero calories bollocks diet? What do you mean you’re not on a diet?
On and on relentlessly. Teenage mags, telly, celebrities , high school , it was the main topic of conversation. Some people were bound to get disordered eating from it. Twiggy was held up as the goal regardless of body type. ‘Feel the burn!’ Was mandatory for every exercise class.
When you are conscious of every bite that goes in your mouth, it becomes easy to look down and judge the people who are obviously not counting much of anything. It takes a lot of effort to train yourself out of that judgy mindset. Most of my friends are on the underweight side and worry that if they enjoy their food then they are ’greedy girls’. It’s enough to make you weep.
So yeah I wouldn’t tolerate any negative food language around young kids, but these people are talking from trauma.
There was no body positivity; your body was the enemy never to be trusted.

Well this is what happens when you shred those futile food pics . Oh look at us we made a pie, look at how yummy it looks but don’t come round as we will have eaten it.

An ENORMOUS pie to go with the MASSIVE SALAD. Delicious.

Wildly unreasonable - strawberries and rhubarb are a match made in heaven.

Hopefully the one thing this thread has shown you, OP, is that you’re (sadly, actually) not alone. I’m another one with a mum like yours - I remember putting on some weight back in my late twenties when I stopped exercising/eating healthily (got all loved up!). I came down with what I later found out was pleurisy on the same weekend my aunt found out she had breast cancer. Still wanted to support her so met my mum over there, where she spent six hours solid talking at me about some weight loss programme she’d seen on the BBC and getting annoyed when I didn’t want to engage with it because I was a) very ill and b) wanted to be there for my aunt and cousins. Or the time I finished my first triathlon and to celebrate, I treated her to a lovely cream tea at a country hotel afterwards and all she would say was, “are you sure you want to undo all that good work?”. Or potentially the time she stripped me naked in front of her full length mirror as a teenager when I’d put on seven pounds in my first year of uni, telling me that I was disgusting and the reason I had no pounds in my bank account was because they pounds were all on me. Also the woman who refuses to leave a scrap on her plate because she can’t countenance wasting food complaining constantly that she’s stuffed.

Their generation has the WORST relationship with food I’ve ever seen, the amount of shame they attach to it is insane and it’s definitely had a massive impact on our generation. It usually doesn’t happen in isolation either - it comes wrapped in a history of controlling behaviours on many fronts, which often become abusive to those in their care. I’m really glad you’re in therapy and you’re working through this - it is very unlikely you’ll ever both be as open and honest as you want to be to actually have a real relationship but the fact that you still would want that points far more to your strength of character and self-awareness than her lack. All the luck, OP (and thanks for the recipe!)

@FlamingoLlamaI would’ve kicked him out! Along with anybody who spoke like that about food in front of my DC. What a bully.

She sounds a lot like my mother (who I have not spoken to in nearly a decade by choice).

To answer your question, you do not do any of the three options you listed. I used to be you, and I now have hindsight.

What you do is let her be an adult for once. Let her stew, give you the silent treatment, whatever. You do not gravel back to her as you have clearly been trained to do, especially when she is in the wrong. The fact that she expects an apology for her outrageous behavior is just....classic. If anyone deserves an apology it's you, but she sounds like someone who isn't capable of giving one.

So you do nothing. Eventually she will reach out. If she's like my mother, she will act all hurt and timid, still hoping for that apology she feels entitled to. Nope! You just act happy, chat about the kids, the summer, your plans, etc. You do not mention the stupid pie ever again.

Also, I must agree on the comments about "entertaining" her in the whole pie conversation. I used to react to my mother the same way. I have to "explain" everything. She required it. It was something I was trained to do because she wouldn't stop questioning everything I did.

Again, you must take back control here. In the case of the pie, so she comes over, asks for the pie, you say oh, that was days ago, there's none left. She makes some huge, unreasonable reaction questioning how that is possible, maybe even insinuating that you ate too much of it, and you just say, "Sorry, Mum. It's gone. Can I offer you something else?" And no matter how many more times she goes on about the pie, you say nothing.

Ugh. I could tell from the very first line about your mum's reaction how this would go. It's textbook. You must not play her game.

Honestly my mother was like this, often worse. The mistake I made which you made in this instance was to engage with her argument and provide an explanation. You played right into her hand by being on the defensive and she took you for a ride.

You have to look her in the eye and say something like "That is absolutely none of your business" or "Do you think I need your approval, or my family needs your approval for what and when we eat? Because we do not"

You have to find your balls and stay firm about boundaries. Seriously.

2, and if/when it comes up again say that it’s important the kids don’t associate food with shame or drama, and even if that seems a bit intense it’s your strongly held view and it won’t change.

Not sure how old your kids are but I explained to mine that two of their grandparents had some very different ideas about food (and some other key things, like commenting on people’s bodies and whether boys can have long hair), and to ignore certain comments because they are just old fashioned and we know better. It’s a fine line because I also emphasise how special and important grandparents are and how we love and respect them…but at some point I think it’s Ok for kids to understand that they are also fucking mentalists 🤣

Mega respect for the cycle breaking….its exhausting but it’s worth it! X

it was five people in two days babes

i would like to see the pie

She's not wrong. 3 people eating a whole pie in a day is EXTREMELY unhealthy, and quite shocking.

I'd go Option 3 given everything you've written.

You get women like that on MN weight loss boards who take it upon themselves to critique other women’s “diets”. A glass of wine or a teaspoon of sugar in your tea can be seen as cause for some light scolding ….

Ahhh, I’ve just read more of the thread and there is a bigger picture. How did I guess she would dislike you breastfeeding 🤷‍♀️?! Or be jealous of your in-laws 🙄?

I find with my own mother now, if she raises a subject I don’t want to talk about I can say “I dont want to talk about that”. This includes politics and her side of her family. Actually when she has commented on my weight I’ve said “I don’t want to talk about my weight”.

Of course some things do get through without realising catching one by surprise, but if you decide there are hot topics you don’t want to talk about, sticking to that can help. Also mothers who are hard work need to be distanced from 😕. How much depends on you and your own situation.

@BeachPossum you could be writing about my Mum. Even your updates I can imagine my Mum doing exactly the same.

I don't think at this point people are capable of change, nor I think perhaps even acknowledge there may be something they should change. Part generational, part personality.

Keep your internal peace, I think when you love people like this, it's all you can do. Option 2 sounds the the only real option.

My 80 year old DGMIL (is that too long of an acronym?) was never a skinny woman but she was a nightmare. We lived 2/3hours away so often had to stop for food enroute and it didn’t matter whether it was a McDonald’s or a subway or a Tesco salad she would sniff when we arrived and say… thought you were on a diet?

Then when she was in hospital with terminal cancer she would call my DW every night and give her a run down of everything the woman in the bed opposite had eaten. Oh my god she’s eating a biscuit now! Where does she put it?! You should have seen her she ate all that dinner and had a pudding, constantly eating that one! Mortifying, no matter how often we told her to stop. My wife would have to hang up. The poor woman opposite didn’t seem to be able to speak English but she would have been able to hear her it was horrible

I find option 2 the most reasonable one. But it won’t work, she won’t like it, and it will take you to the next stage, number 3, and after defeat, you will go to option 1.
So you will have to settle with option 1 to avoid all the extra drama.

Could you just keep saying "What a fuss about nothing!"

Pie sounds great.

She only asked for a slice of pie because you didn't offer it - and because she suspected there wouldn't be any left.

That gave her a great opening for her pie based bullshit.

Unless you want the £10 argument where you tell her she has food issues and you don't want them passing to your kids... ignore all of it in future. Act as if she had not spoken.

Her: But really, a whole pie in a day?
You: Husband did a lovely 55km cycle on Saturday and his parents were round, they're doing great. What did you do at the weekend?
Her: But PIE quantities?!
You: I might paint the living room lavender, what do you think Mother?

And so on.

The other option is to ensure you're in control of when the interaction ends - so you see her out or at hers, you engineer things so that you can leave whenever you want.

Her: You didn't bring some pie with you?
You: The pie is all gone, we had guests over.
Her: BUT A WHOLE PIE
You: Oh dear is that the time I have to go now, bye Mother.

This way she never ever gets a rise from it, she gets ignored or end of interaction entirely as you leave. It is hard to engineer, for sure... but if the behaviour does not work for her she will eventually stop.