To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

Option 3. And DON'T "deal with" whatever drama follows, just ignore it. Nothing will change until you stand up to her, let her "go nuclear" all she likes, and show her that it doesn't affect you in the slightest (if it does, just pretend it doesn't). So she gets angry - so what? Sky doesn't fall, world keeps turning. You don't have to be cowed into changing your behaviour because she has a tantrum - which is a good message to give you DC, too. What's the alternative - teach them that s/he who throws the biggest wobbly should always get their way? Change your dynamic, once and for all.

OP your Mum sounds insufferable, which ever way you handle this would be okay, just definitely do not apologise. I personally would’ve gone with option number 5 as @LaurieFairyCake had suggested (word for word in fact 🤭), if not, number 3 at the very least.

I vote 3 OP, but I have no time for shit like this and it might not be the most diplomatic thing to do.

That is no different to the message any woman born post-war has had. The narrative for young girls now is truly horrific, with social media preying on their every insecurity.

I grew up in the ages of the supermodel and waif. From glamazons like Cindy Crawford to heroin chic and Kate Moss. The magazines were full of the same bullshit about cellulite and fat, the same faddy cabbage soup diets were around - I tried it.

There is no single generation of woman still alive that hasn't had the media and their mothers barking at them about what they should look like and modelling batshit behaviour. I don't think this is an excuse for women of your generation uniquely to claim damage and trauma and justify poor behaviour. It has been the same for all of us and the majority of us don't get hung up on pie.

I am in my 70s. I have never had a problem eating for England, tbh, though now I put on weight (sadly) so am a bit careful so I don't grow out of my wardrobe. But I am not careful if I go out and if I want something I will have it. Nor do I think other people are greedy. I am amazed, sometimes, how little people eat. Not everyone in their 70s is obsessed by food. I like food. I eat to enjoy it. I could never see the attraction of a salad on its own. Pizza for me! Wheeee!

How old is your DM @BeachPossum ? Since I moved into my sixties, I've noticed that my appetite has reduced perceptibly. It's still healthy, but nothing like it was, which I assume is perfectly normal for my age. Your DM, who seems to live entirely in her own very narrow little life, doesn't realise that the tiny portions she fetishises would leave you, with your two small children (one of whom you're nursing) feeling as if your stomach was cutting your throat...because guess what - we are not all the same and younger people tend to have higher energy needs than older people. If she had more on her plate (intended pun) than meddling with things that don't concern her, she might understand that you aren't some sort of weird Mini-Me.

Your pie looks delicious. Two words came to mind when I saw it - creme fraiche. It would really complement the sweetness of the strawberries. By baking with your son, you are giving him something that goes beyond the pie itself; a memory. Both me and my DH can remember helping our DMs with the baking...and licking out the bowls 😋

As for 1, 2, or 3 etc, it's up to you, but apologising (even in a very PA way) would give your DM the impression that she's got away with her terrible behaviour. Something between 2/3 eg, "you still on about that pie Mum? Dear me..." You could deliver it in a way that suggests that if she doesn't give over, there will be consequences she won't enjoy. Then leave the ball in her court - her hang-ups are not your problem.

Not a good look to post this kind of nitpicking without bothering to read OP's posts where she might, for example, have posted the recipe already and outlined how she adjusted to switch from one style of pastry top to another.

My mother is like this. If you don't have direct experience of it, it's difficult to understand how it feels.

She is obsessed with how small she is and always references it. Every chance she gets. In restaurants, for instance, she will mention it not once, but to every member of staff that comes to the table. She will refuse to order a main because she couldn't possibly manage it, before mowing through her starter then picking off other people's plates. I do my best to ignore it or just immediately change the subject, though it's difficult at times not to show how over it I am, hearing the same old unhealthy rhetoric yet again.

However. I also have young kids, and when she starts up with any food related batsh!ttery, particularly when it comes to how much they are eating, I very firmly say that we're really proud of them for having a great appetite, as food helps build our bodies and brains, making us big and strong (and clever).

She's never going to stop completely, because it's so entrenched in her everyday behaviour that I don't even know if she could. But it puts her back in her box for a bit.

Off topic but by pie do you mean tart? I can't imagine a rhubarb and strawberry pie. As in pastry all around.

There is always one.

Try reading the thread.

Well quite. Its nonsense that its “boomer” or gen x” or any other one generation. Victorian women were targeted with ludicrous expectations of figure, appearance and diet .just like previous generations and every subsequent generation. IIRC the earliest formal iteration of low carb/high fat was Banting in the 1920s, its been reinvented as a “new” magic diet roughly every 20 years since, along with all the other fad diets.

The only thing our generation tells us is which variant of diet and figure fad we were subjected to as teens.

Oh FFS. You really think people can only share food pics if they’re saving some for the other people in the group?

Have you ever actually seen a pie?

If you look at any shop bought fruit pie, it will probably say it serves six. OP said she and her son made it the day before her mother came over. Three people, two days, one slice each per day - where’s the problem?

As it is, the in-laws also had some on this occasion. But even if they had eaten it between the three of them, it wouldn’t be a problem. It would be perfectly normal.

I'm guessing your children are quite young. Those of us with difficult parents tend to reach this point when we first realize how their difficult behaviors are likely to affect OUR children.

I'm for option 3. This problem won't go away, and it definitely won't be the only time you have to accept some form of 'social awkwardness' in order to defend your children (it gets easier). Your children also need to see you not accepting being treated badly - they learn what we model, not what we tell them.

Its an important part of cycle-breaking. The great part of this (yet another) unexpected journey that parenting presents us with is that you get to 'reparent' yourself and find joy in treating your kids how you would have liked to be treated.

All the best OP 💚

Hi OP,

We're a bit further down the line with grandparents now. One thing I've realised is that as we "children" get older, we feel that we should be able to to use our adult communication skills to iron out the problems with our parents.

However, just as we are getting more grown up and getting better at communicating with them, the grandparents are getting older, less able, potentially developing the very early stages of dementia and all that kind of stuff.

So while it's good to stand your ground and do the best to resolve these problems, it might be good to keep at the back of your mind that your DM is getting older and potentially going off the boil a bit, so she may have got past the point where she can meet you half way.

Just a thought, because I realise that some older people are still super sharp, but it would have helped me so much to have realised this ten years ago.

Good luck there.

Oh, I see...
Thanks 👍

Five people, two days...

Yes to this.
DM was very much affected by all that malarkey.

You're never heavier than when you're carrying someone else's baggage.

3

She's happy with a superficial relationship and so are you.
You might as well stand your ground here.

If she starts getting defensive and accuses you of hurting her feelings, you can then use 2 - ask her does she really want to fall out over a slice of pie, and (just to tease her) offer to bake another pie just for her.

Yes, that would be manipulative, but two can play that game.

Fwiw, I think you are absolutely correct to say this sort of nonsense will affect the children.

My mum could be difficult and nothing was ever her fault. If this was my mum I’d go for option 2.

I'm just Millenial and remember the Kellogs Special K 'eat a bowl for breakfast and again for lunch or dinner and drop a jeans size in two weeks!' like that was a normal thing advertise on national television. Eat plain cereals with dubious nutritional content for the majority of your meals, like a horse!

Number 3. I have a terrible relationship with food which I blame my mother for. She was much like yours - constantly talking about food and calories and being thin. I was bodyshamed from age 11 and made to feel worthless and fat. This led to incredibly disordered eating for over 30 years! She loved me when I was skinny and mocked me when I was 'fat' (ie size 12). I'm 46 now and still struggle.

I get this. I am mid-stream Gen X but can remember kellogg's cereal ads which said: "If you can pinch more than an inch - you probably need to lose weight!"

It feels to me, though, like this isn't the only topic the OP's mum has a 'thing' about.

I wouldn’t contact her at all. Let her sulk