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Original poster

To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

457 replies

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 11:50

My son and I made a beautiful rhubarb and strawberry pie a couple of days ago, and I shared a photo of it on our family WhatsApp (parents, siblings and partners).

Yesterday afternoon my mum dropped by unexpectedly after visiting a friend nearby. I offered her a cup of tea and a biscuit and she said 'oh no, I'll have a slice of that lovely pie'. I said 'oh sorry! It's all been eaten', to which she responded with the most exaggerated display of astonishment and surprise. She kept saying 'REALLY! A whole pie in ONE DAY?', saying it would have done her and my dad for a week, we must have had huge slices etc. She made five or six comments in total.

The first time she commented I told her my in laws had been over so between them and us we'd eaten five slices, then my husband had had another piece in the afternoon following a 55km bike ride, and then the three of us had had a piece for morning coffee that day, totalling 9 slices of a normal sized pie. Not a crazy amount. Then when she kept on going on about it I tried to brush it off and move on, before eventually snapping at her to stop talking about food and appetites in front of my young children, at which point she left in a huff. She has texted me this morning to let me know she's hurt, she was just surprised, and that she wasn't saying anything inappropriate in front of the children.

She has absolute form for this. She's one of those people who always has to have the smallest appetite in the room, loves talking about meals she's forgotten to eat, loves refusing food. I was stunned she asked for a slice of pie in the first place since ninety nine times out of a hundred she refuses anything I offer her and makes a point of telling me she's totally full after a huge breakfast of one blini and a quail's egg. She's permanently on a diet, obsessed with food but never eats any, thinks that thinness is next to godliness etc. I've learned to live with it but I'll be damned if me and my children will accept being treated as revolting gluttons for eating two slices of pie over two days.

Anyway, the dilemma. She's incredibly defensive and will go nuclear if I try and get her to take any accountability. I swallow a lot of her shit for the sake of family harmony, and I'm at peace with this because she and I now have a very superficial relationship and I let her crap wash over me. But it's going to get to the point of affecting my children and when that happens I'll have to intervene and accept the fallout. So what do I say to her now? She's expecting an apology from me for snapping and reassurance that she's a lovely mother and granny who was treated unfairly. Do I:

  1. Give her an insincere apology to get her to fuck off and leave me alone
  2. text something very neutral like 'let's not row over pie' and hope she drops it
  3. tell her she was being ridiculous and that it's part of a wider pattern of behaviour that I won't tolerate in front of my kids, and deal with whatever histrionics and drama follows
  4. other suggestions welcome
OP posts:
GiveDogBone · 15/07/2025 18:49
  1. I’d literally just ignore her. Like the message never arrived.
TorroFerney · 15/07/2025 18:43

Pinkclouds80 · 14/07/2025 18:38

2, and if/when it comes up again say that it’s important the kids don’t associate food with shame or drama, and even if that seems a bit intense it’s your strongly held view and it won’t change.

Not sure how old your kids are but I explained to mine that two of their grandparents had some very different ideas about food (and some other key things, like commenting on people’s bodies and whether boys can have long hair), and to ignore certain comments because they are just old fashioned and we know better. It’s a fine line because I also emphasise how special and important grandparents are and how we love and respect them…but at some point I think it’s Ok for kids to understand that they are also fucking mentalists 🤣

Mega respect for the cycle breaking….its exhausting but it’s worth it! X

Yep, my teenager is well aware that her grandma is a fucking mentalist! Not a phrase I use in front of the child of course.

Such gems as boys are better at maths and male teachers are better than female teachers.

Fontofallknowledge23 · 15/07/2025 18:38

She has clearly got an eating disorder she will have turned all that info into “ I would exercise control over how much pie I had” , and/or “ I haven’t been left any because I don’t deserve it /im fat etc”. Honestly the depths of the mental health with eating disorders leads to the most incomprehensible reasoning in their heads. Just draw a line under it. Sadly she is wholeheartedly ingrained in and consumed by this disorder.

CatMummyOf3 · 15/07/2025 18:31

Definitely no apology, regardless of its insincerity. She will take it as she was right to be so astonished by your 'gluttony' (her view, not mine, to be clear!).

At some point you will to have to address her weird food/eating obsession for your (young?) kids sake, if not your own. It's unhealthy and could lead to problems with food for your kids if they hear this on a regular basis.

Hmwales · 15/07/2025 18:31

Definitely No. 3.

BluntLion · 15/07/2025 18:26

My sister was like this, she definitely had an eating disorder, was very controlled with what she ate and made you feel abnormal if you had a bloody biscuit. I walked on eggshells for years until one day she made a comment about my then toddler DD "getting a gut" and that was it for me. I threw her out of my house and cut her off. Absolutely no way was she forcing her disordered behaviour onto my DD. I have never regretted cutting her off either.

OP, I'd Grey Rock your Mum if I were you. You cannot reason with people like her or my sister as they refuse to accept that they've done any wrong.

Pie sounded great btw ❤️

PricklyOstrich · 15/07/2025 18:25

She sounds a lot like my mum. I predicted there would be a backstory, just from your initial post.

For my mum I find 3 is pointless and achieves nothing. I'd go with 1, or ideally 2.

Then I'd keep my distance. My priority nowadays is keeping the peace.

Mooee · 15/07/2025 18:20

Life’s too short. Can’t begin to understand why she reacted in this way. Consider making a similar small pie and giving it to her.
she’s your mum and we all get it wrong sometimes. You shouldn’t apologise as you’ve done nothing wrong. Just be the bigger person and say no more.

bellocchild · 15/07/2025 18:13

Just reply: 'Yes, that's right. A whole pie! I'm sorry if you were hoping for a bit - I didn't realise.'

Bunny65 · 15/07/2025 18:11

I would tell her that you and your son will bake her and your dad another pie when you get the chance but you're not talking about it any more.

Noononoo · 15/07/2025 18:09

I think she just really wanted a piece of that pie you showed off to people and it made her cross that she couldn’t. Hangry. Give her a break you are bringing in irrelevant behaviour. You should have said.. ooh I’m so sorry next time I’ll save you a slice. Food=love.

ARCmummy · 15/07/2025 18:07

number 2 and then roll your eyes and armour up for the next time she is ridiculous.
x x

Lyraloo · 15/07/2025 18:05

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 12:07

Oh there is a long history and backstory too - she's the reason I have weekly therapy and has been a source of untold hurt and confusion in my life. I do genuinely believe she loves me, but her behaviour is and always has been very damaging to me.

Which is not to say she doesn't also have an eating disorder - I believe she does. And she has trauma from her own childhood which contributes to her being the way she is. I have made very gentle overtures to her about therapy and she was as angry as I've ever seen her at the suggestion, but she really would benefit I think.

I have a deep, dark fantasy that one day she and I will have a reckoning where we both say all the words we bite back and get the hurt out into the light to be sorted out and then instead of having this superficial, painful, spiky relationship where I'm always biting my tongue and yet still letting her down, we can become real, true friends who just love each other in an uncomplicated way. I just don't know how it could ever happen, though.

Show quote history

Please get it all out into the open. I’ve had issues with my weight all my adult life and I put those issues onto my daughter in much the same way as your mum has you. We’ve always been close and she’s never really said anything about it, just once in a while told me to stop it. About a month ago, after another comment, she burst into tears and told me exactly how I made her feel and how bad it made her feel about herself.
I Cannot begin to tell you how that made me feel, my daughter is my world and the kindest, loveliest woman I’ve ever met. To realise what effect I’d had on her was devastating for me and I’ll never get over the guilt. It’s sad in this shallow world we live in we’re all pushed towards this ridiculous notion of perfection as an outer shell and we often miss the most important and precious things because of it.
tell your mother the absolute truth if it doesn’t work give up, do not let her subject your children to it.
good luck

legolegoeverywhereandnotadroptodrink · 15/07/2025 18:03

Sounds like my mother 😂

Kithulu · 15/07/2025 18:03

'i'm sorry I didn't find a calmer way to express my wishes that you adapt the way you talk about food in front of your grandchildren'

Fogey · 15/07/2025 18:01

Buy her a single airline ticket to Switzerland. I feel for you.

Bleachedlevis · 15/07/2025 17:59

Send her the recipe for the pie.
sorry you’ve got such a massive PITA for a mother.

WonderingWanda · 15/07/2025 17:58

Ignore message completely. Don't apologise, don't appease or defend yourself. Treat it like the ridiculous non issue it is. She is gaslighting you because she didn't like being called out on her behaviour and now wants to goad you into being the bad guy. Just dismiss it and if she brings it up next time you see or speak to her just say "Oh, are you still going on about that bloody pie Mum?" No doubt she will persist with being affronted, at which point be blunt. "Mum, we have a difference of opinion, I felt that your comments were annoying and I don't want my kids getting a complex about what they eat so I let you know, that's entirely reasonable. You can either let it go or we will go / I will go....is that really what you want?

angela1952 · 15/07/2025 17:57

BeachPossum · 14/07/2025 15:16

This is the pie crust recipe I use: https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/all-butter-pie-crust/

That makes enough for the bottom and top of the pie. I wanted a lattice top so I doubled it, which made more than I needed so I froze the leftovers.

Your pastry needs to chill for at least 2 hours before rolling out.

If you can't be bothered making pastry, ready made sweet shortcrust from the shops is fine!

The filling is as follows:

800g rhubarb, washed and chopped into chunks
450g hulled strawberries, mix of halved and quartered
160g caster sugar
zest of an orange
Half a tsp salt
35g of cornflour
25g butter

  1. Roll half of your pie crust into a circle and then place in a pie dish. Trim the edges.
  2. rub the orange zest into the sugar with your finger tips to release the orange scent
  3. mix all of the filling ingredients except the butter together in a large bowl and then leave loosely covered on the worktop for two hours, or in the fridge overnight (I think the latter option is better)
  4. drain the juices from the mixture through a sieve into a small saucepan. You can squash the fruit a bit to get the juices through the sieve if needed.
  5. Put the drained fruit into your pie dish (no need to blind bake this one).
  6. bring the juices to a boil then simmer for a few minutes until they're really thick
  7. add the juice mixture to the pie. It will firm up on contact with the cold fruit. Give it a bit of a mix but don't worry about it being uneven.
  8. dot the butter about over the filling
  9. roll out and add your pastry lid. Crimp the edges and cut a small vent in the centre.
  10. egg wash (or milk if you prefer) the lid.
  11. chill the pie in the fridge for 20 mins while your oven heats to 220c.
  12. place the pie on a metal baking tray in the oven and bake for 25 mins. Then reduce the oven temp to 190c and bake for another 35 or so mins, until it is golden brown and the filling is bubbling. If the pastry is getting too brown too soon, cover in tin foil
  13. Let the pie cool completely before cutting or it will be too wet to slice properly
  14. very nice with cream or custard!

I think I'd have been a bit jealous if I found that all this luscious sounding pie had gone before I arrived.
Seriously though, I'd just not do anything.

Buzyizzy217 · 15/07/2025 17:56

No 2 and do not apologise ever! You’re making me hungry. If she bangs on about it, tell her she sounds like she needs help. That generally shuts up most people. Could have it wrong tho. 🙈

rolloverbeethoven · 15/07/2025 17:54

Yabu for not making it big enough for us all to have a slice!

LouiseK93 · 15/07/2025 17:54

3....
I'm guessing this isnt the first ridiculous thing she's done...I want to hear more about the mum saga 😂

catlover123456789 · 15/07/2025 17:51

I'm now craving rhubarb crumble.

2025ismybestyear · 15/07/2025 17:46

BoudiccaRuled · 14/07/2025 21:53

Off topic but by pie do you mean tart? I can't imagine a rhubarb and strawberry pie. As in pastry all around.

Are you seriously saying you can't imagine a pie which has a pastry top and bottom with fruit in between? 🙄🥧 Whether @BeachPossum made a lattice top or a fully covered one is irrelevant.

JohnTheRevelator · 15/07/2025 17:41

Number 2. This actually put me in mind of my (thankfully) exMIL. She was no stick insect by a long stretch,but she was always going on about how much me or my daughter ate. 2 rounds of sandwiches? That would do 4 people. I think the best one was when we went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal for my daughter(then aged 7). She said, totally innocently, 'Are you going to share that?'. Yes, we're going to share a tiny portion of chips and a cheeseburger. Don't want to overdo it now!