To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

With cream or custard?
😉

Don't text her. Wait for her to contact you, and then don't mention the pie/the row. If she does, ignore it and mention the weather or any other subject.

I would send her this link: https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/blog/why-adults-should-avoid-talking-about-dieting-in-front-of-children

I would tell her eating disorders destroy lives, and that you and your husband decided before they were born to never discuss dieting or food restriction around them.

I’m sorry to say you are never going to have the mother daughter relationship that you want because she just doesn’t have it in her. It sounds like she’s done quite a number on your mental health. I understand how hard it is to come to terms with this. But you need to stop letting her do this to you. You are allowed to stick up for yourself. And you need to protect your children from her nasty attitude. Don’t be afraid of telling her what’s what. Be firm. You don’t realise it but you actually hold the power now. She needs you more than you need her. Fine she can have a tantrum and cry about how horrible you are, but you don’t have to apologise and you don’t have to engage. Going low contact might really help you have the strength to deal with her when you do see her, though I understand why that might not want to do that. Just don’t engage with any of her nonsense. Shut her down like you did this time. And keep repeating the same thing every time she tries to start the conversation again. It’s sad to realise that you have to manage your relationship carefully and will never have the easy friendship with her that you dream of. But better to recognise that and protect yourself than keep letting her hurt you.

@BeachPossum if you want to fine tune a properly pass-agg response for option 4, I'd suggest something like:

I'm sorry all of the delicious pie was already gone when you popped round. I didn't even think to save you a slice because you're normally so careful about what you eat. But if you'd like me to make another one, I can tell you when we'll do it, so you can make some space and plan when to come round for a slice while it's fresh.

I really relate! Except with my DM she would have felt furiously insulted that the in-laws got pie and she didn’t - even though she actually didn’t want pie, but was asking to make a dig. Exhauuuuusting.
I think the most helpful advice I was given was to recognise her limitations and accept that she wasn’t going to change. I also have a light-hearted laugh with my sister about what a nightmare she can be.
Nothing you can say will change her or her responses! So what I’ve learnt (against all other relationship advice about repair), is just to move on and make light of it. My DM NEVER SAYS SORRY AND NEVER WILL. I have now accepted that so I don’t expect her to! Recognising it and coming to a place of acceptance (and laughing about it) can actually be quite freeing.

I agree that this is a red flag for an eating disorder like untreated
alcohlccs who constantly observe and obsess about other people’s drinking are you familiar with the term ‘ it takes one to know one’

I would go 3 but that’s because I have a low tolerance of bs.

I worry that both you and your Mum have serious control issues ... never mind the f'ing pie!

Aside, personally, when I used to make a pie, I tended to make one for my folks anyway.

However, and most importantly - there's definitely more to life than arguments over pie - so much so that I can't believe I'm actually typing this!?*!

I was just about to write something similar, but you said it far more eloquently.

I would add that the kids probably don't care. They probably think she's just an eccentric nan.

I’m very keen to try this! Rhubarb is one of those tart fruits like gooseberries and apricots that I love, and strawberries are a wee bit bland and sweet. It sounds a wonderful combination. Thank you for the recipe.

love the lattice top too.

I would have loved to have said oh I felt a bit peckish and polished it all off at 3am after an alcohol and drug fuelled night...

I’d probably go with option 2 .
In my case if my daughter had made a lovely fruit pie 🥧 and I then showed up unexpectedly hoping for coffee and a slice of pie 🥧 I’d be disappointed there wasn’t any left .
BUT …I’d say “ oh shame it’s all gone because it looked delicious 😋 next time you make one leave me a slice if you’re able to , text me and I will pop round and have it with a coffee if that’s ok “

I have similar issues with my aunt. Last time I visited her it really got to me and I grumbled to my DH who’d been in another room at the time.
Rather than being defensive, he suggested I should go along with what she says and more. So, in your case you might say, ’ Yes, we stuffed our faces with it! It was delicious. We’re all gluttons for pie in this house!’
I do appreciate that food and eating are tricky topics around children, so you need to pick the right moment when they’re not present.

I have been the victim of my mother’s perverse relationship with food my whole life. What you describe as ‘snapping’ I would describe as showing remarkable tolerance.

Tell her she had a lucky escape because it was an especially fattening pie (add your own twirls here, all-butter pastry, lots of sugar, whatever). However, if she'd like you & your DCs to make her another one all for herself, you'll be happy to oblige.
(I believe this is known as pass-agg 😁)

The solution to this was putting a slice of pie in a Tupperware box for her to eat later. The solution is to remake the pie and give her a slice to take away with her so she can eat a crumb a day for a month. Sorted.

Your recipe sounds absolutely delicious, @BeachPossum - thank you for posting it. I’ll be looking for a special occasion so I can make it.

I wonder if it could work as a crumble too?

She sounds a lot like my mum too, mine isn’t obsessive about food but has similar narcissistic tendencies and people who have ‘standard’ mums just don’t get it. Small things get blown up because they are the output of a lifetime of difficult behaviour and it is impossible to have a healthy conversation about it because the other person doesn’t understand/entertain other points of view. I usually just avoid and deflect and try to ignore comments, appreciate easier said than done!

I wouldn't beat about the bush and go for option 3.
I've got form for being direct, so people don't generally mess with me anyway 😁

"I swallow a lot of her shit..."

In doing that you have validated and reinforced her behaviour, likely to the point where it is engrained and irreversible. Poor behaviour from others we interact with regularly needs to be nipped in the bud from the start. Some people don't have any concept of etiquette and will railroad over you if you don't put boundaries down. Tell her firmly to STFU, I don't care how old she is, she doesn't have the right to act like a whiny toddler and expect no retaliation.

In answer to your question though, I'd go with ignoring the message altogether, she was out of order and you definitely shouldn't apologise

Do you really really think that? Ok if you've not read the thread but if you have done you honestly cannot think it's about that? Frightening.

Whilst your DM is still able, you could attempt a direct, calm conversation about it.
It mightnt go well. But in a few years time, she will seem to fragile for you to try and clear the air.

Not the point but at least you had others over to eat it too - I probably would have nailed the whole thing myself over a weekend 😬