To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

Three it is then. When do these golden years happen by the way?

That is just breath-takingly fucking rude @Rh0dedenr0n 😳did you or your DH ever confront them about it?

Reading your OP and further updates @BeachPossum, your DM has some jealousy issues, none of which are of your making. You're doing 'you' and she, for some reason, can't cope with it.

Personally, I'd text her back and say something like 'You're hurt!? What about me and my feelings Mum? You hurt me when you constantly snipe about what me and my family eat so best just stop it.' And accept it's the nuclear option.

Sounds like you're treading on eggshells and still not managing to please her OP. You have to ask yourself 'When will I ever be good enough for her?' Answer: You won't. And, in no way, will that be your fault. It's hers.

Plus, I'd bake another pie and drop it round with a note 'so you don't feel left out'. Just don't bake one with mushrooms in 😉

And reading my earlier responses, particularly my second one, I was blunter than was called for, actually I was distracted and only wrote half of what I intended to.

My apologies, there is a lot going on with your mum, it is a difficult situation, and you deserved more than "don't let her speak to you like that" which is how I came off.

Apologising tells her that she was right and should repeat the behaviour. Don't do that. I'd tell her that you feel very strongly about raising your kids with healthy attitudes to food and bodies and you're careful what you and others say around them as a result. Tell her you don't want to fight with her and you'd appreciate if she was more mindful of this going forwards so there's no more tension and you can all move on.

Ultimately op, you can't expect her to hold a boundary you haven't clearly told her exists. But once you do it's up to you to hold it. My mum is exactly like this. I told her very explicitly that I wasn't tolerating it any more and will shut her down any time she does it going forwards and I did. At the time it was really tough but overall it improved the relationship because guess what, she learnt. People who do this don't do it because they don't know better, they do it because they get away with it and there are no consequences.

I also think others need to understand on this thread that it's not just about a one off comment about pie. It's a repetitive and toxic pattern of behaviour that has probably been quite detrimental to you in the past. So it's not about pie at all, it's about protecting your kids from unhealthy messages and narcissistic behaviour.

I would make her a big fat lardass pie and take it round.... "Sorry mum, you anorexic pain in the ass... here is a pie... "

Far from 'snide', I'm saying very directly that you need to let this go.

You're having weekly therapy which must be costing you a fortune.

I don't think rehashing this massive story about a pie and your mother's attitude towards it, is going to do anything except make you even more exhausted.

But I'll bow out now as you're obviously not open to anyone who doesn't agree with you.

This is so true. Also that deep down her anger is because she was not included in the pie event. It can be both control and misguided attachment issues.

4…
Leave her to cool off. My money is that it’s more about the fact you made a pie for your in laws. She didn’t get any so she’s extra put out.

Perhaps you weren’t brought up by someone who uses interactions to point score and manipulate. It’s very difficult to disentangle. This is the person who taught OP how to talk, relate, engage.

Give her a break while she works it out.

Sounds American, maybe…

Great guilt tripping there! OP's mum sounds very difficult and quite toxic with her views on food and weight.

OP should put her family first. She certainly has nothing to apologise for.

I'd leave her to her sulk and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Other option: ignore her huff and pretend it didn't happen. You dont need to apologise or smooth troubled waters.

She's reacted in a dramatic way, and is looking for attention. Ignore it. Not ignore her though, just crack on and act like her whole tantrum didn't happen.

Its what I do bow with my dramatic mother. Sometimes she sends my dad round (1hr drive each way) to have a go at me. I let it wash over me and just carry on as if none of it happened. Because I dont need to carry the blame for dramatic outbursts that have only happened because of attention seeking behaviour.

It might be similar approach to the "let them" theory by Mel Robins. If your mum wants to act like a stampy footed toddler, let her. Nothing to do with you really.

Clearly she asked so she could then somehow reject it.

I agree with the chaos evil post earlier of making another one. Cut out the most ridiculous sliver, deliver that to her and tell her you guys ate all the rest of the second cake already.

I like this reply. I'd also add a sorry not sorry.

So like, I'm sorry you are upset, but I'm teaching the kids it's impolite to comment on other people's eating habits. We shared the pie with others and I didn't know how much you wanted some, so next time I'll make a bigger one!

I’d just drop it and not say anything. If your mother brings it up again I’d say, Oh, the pie thing, I haven’t given that another thought. Too many far more important things going on at the moment for me to give that non-event any more head space.
If she gets uppity let her. If she wants to discuss What more important things are going on? - just say you don’t have time to go into it right now. She will b so curious to know what’s going on she’ll forget the pie issue. AND she won’t know that nothing important IS going on. It’ll leave her space for her imagination to run riot. AND maybe she’ll leave you alone

A destructive mother is, I believe, one of the hardest things on earth to deal with, and simply heartbreaking for the child involved, whether an adult or younger.

We are hard wired to seek our mother's love and approval, it is incredibly difficult to detach from parents and a mother even more so, no matter how much they deserve it.

Please just ignore her text demands. You do not have to respond to her at all. I wouldn't bother reading them to be honest.

And really, the time to get your kids away from her is right now. She has very likely already sewed poisoned seeds in their minds about food, and who knows what else.

It's good you are asking for advice, I would really lean into this when seeing your therapist, how to deal with your mum, how to keep yourself and your children safe from her. I am sorry you're having to deal with this.

You're not stupid for living in hope...

Absolutely and completely. Hope is a jolly nice place in Derbyshire, actually. Good for walks in the peak district and very scenic.
Anyhoo.
I hoped for years that my mother would change. As decent human beings, we look for the good in people. I think this is where guilt comes in too, because it's our parent.
Your therapist needs to be working through the grief with you that she is not going to change . It is a grief process. You're grieving the mother that you wished you'd had, and the mother that you deserve to have had. It's a very hard path to walk. I found the Stately Homes thread on here very helpful, as well as a change of therapy provision and different treatment.

It's getting to the point on Mumsnet where you can't even ask for advice/opinions on anything?

We seem to be policed nowadays, about whether our threads are worthy of posting.

Shame, mumsnet didn't used to be like this...

She’s probably aggrieved that your in-laws got some of the pie and she didn’t. There’s likely an element of jealously mixed in there somewhere.

anyway my mum is similar, there’s always a fucking drama. I have to be very careful what I say etc. it’s exhausting.

id probably just go with option 1 or 2 or a mix of both and then not overshare things on social media.

mine is much easier to deal with if she doesn’t know things. Then she can’t pass comment/judgement

What do you mean by 'no need to entertain it' - how was I entertaining it? What should I have done instead?

I'll repeat it for a 3rd time then.

After you told her that other people shared the pie, that should've been the end of the conversation. Not "Oh well we enjoyed it" - no other justification at all.

Grey rock/the end etc.

I don't have an 'issue' with you 'seeking advice' on here but I do find it strange that you seem just as obsessed about this as your mother.

Just let it go 🤷‍♂️