To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

I would do this - if it was just DH and me.

But I refused to do similar when MIL started making comments in my DCs’ hearing.

I told DH to have a word with her after she said I shouldn’t give DS too many strawberries - meaning more than about four.

I refuse to tolerate madcap ideas about what foods do what to a person’s body. DS doesn’t eat many fruits but likes strawberries so I give him a big bowl. We all have strong stomachs - no one gets ill after a bowl of strawberries. And I wouldn’t have the kids hearing that a fruit is a bad food.

In this case I would hold my ground and say I’ve had enough of ridiculous comments about what is normal eating, and I’m not having them made around my kids.

God I want pie. I’ve never made one. Can you post the recipe

I think it's hard because I'll never stop wanting her to be the mum I wish she was. I feel so stupid and angry when I let her upset me or when I let her in a bit and end up hurt.

@BeachPossum from someone who was in a very similar situation, and who ended up breaking down - walk away now.

You have to put yourself and your young family first. We both know she'll never change, so you need to take back control of the whole dynamic. Do not apologise. You have done nothing wrong.

Also, had it been her pie and had it lasted to day 5 or 6, that pie would have been 🤢 by the end.

I wouldn't mention it again.

I'd hazard a guess she saw the picture of the pie and couldn't stop thinking about it, that's why she popped in unexpectedly and was disappointed when it had all gone. If she's weird about food anyway she probably went a bit overboard.

If she brings it up end the conversation or tell her you'll be leaving unless she stops.

I did all of this stuff though until I just had enough and ditched her completely..some mothers just have too many issues to help mothers.

Why are so many parents like this? Whenever my mum made me waffles when I was little, my dad used to point at me and say 'Don't eat another one, you'll get fat and ugly!' He seemed to think it was some incredibly funny joke. I was 8. (and a healthy kid).

Your issues resonate. I would probably go with option 1 and then regret it. Option 2 sounds like it is the most authentic response from you without turning this issue into the hill to die on. Which is probably sensible because nobody (unless they have experience and get it) will accept pie as a hill to die on.

It does sound to me as if hoping your mother will somehow become the mother you wish for some day is futile. Your therapist is correct that there is nothing wrong in wishing it were otherwise, but living in hope sounds a bit unwise to me, if that means there is a risk of you negating yourself to keep the hope alive.

If she’s older I think it’s the generation. My mum is 75 and I constantly have to tell her to stop talking about food and dieting and weight in front of my kids. It’s sad really, she’s spent her whole life obsessed with monitoring what she puts in her mouth to remain slim. Hopefully life is different for our children. Healthy is good. These attitudes aren’t that

Since food is A Thing in your family, might I gently suggest you don’t have it as a topic of conversation? No sharing of pictures of delicious cooking, no discussing what you ate at the restaurant, no wondering about the menu for Christmas. Everything about consuming food has the potential to upset you, so talk about the weather instead…

Strawberry and Rhubarb?? (misses point totally). I like rhubarb and strawerry but never thought of them as together flavours!

No, she shouldn't let it go. OP is working on these kind of issues with her therapist.
I did the same with mine.
We even did role play.

So no, OP shouldn't let it go, in my opinion.

Keep working on it OP x

Definitely 3. I have to reprimand my mother frequently for this behavior in front of my children

This!! Just apologise and forget the whole thing.

It is possible (takes hard work and time) to accept that she’s not the mum you need/needed. Just to give you hope!!

I now observe mine a bit like a science experiment , it’s helpful.

my mum hates fat people, especially nurses. An apparently overweight nurse dared to talk to her about her cholesterol. I did suggest that, as that was her job what was she supposed to do?

I'd go for the second option.

But sympathy OP, my mum also has a disordered relationship with food but in her case she's a feeder while eating barely anything herself (as in she always has cake in and insists that I have a piece, I generally say ok but just a wee slice. She serves me up a massive slab with ice cream while having a teeny sliver herself. Then tries to force seconds on me).

I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't then make comments about how much weight I've put on, and maybe I should cut back on the cake (I am actually not overweight, just not as skinny as she is!)

Honestly don't let her weird relationship with food affect your kids. I was bulimic for much of my 20s due to my mum's comments and feeder tendencies

You could have turned to the children and said "Oh no! Poor Nanny was really looking forward to the pie and we've run out. We'll have to make another one, won't we?"

Acknowledge her disappointment, keep it light, move on.

OP, she's toxic. You are in therapy weekly because of her.
Keep her the hell away from your children.
I have older teen daughters and the food issues among young girls are huge.
Thankfully my daughters are like their dad and tall and naturally slim, love their food, but I know even they watch their it.
I am all about healthy eating and say nothing bar those bloody energy drinks that my university children use at times.

Come the teen years, you cannot allow her to speak about food like that.

Rubarb and strawberry is a match made in heaven.
I made a large deep tray bake of rubarb, strawberry with grated white chocolate on top as a light icing effect last week.

It was incredible. My children arrived in as it was coming out of the oven.
Each had an enormous slice as did my husband with ice-cream.
There was a corner left an hour later.
Home baking is like that.
It is to be enjoyed and savoured.
Do not allow this woman spoil that for you or your children.

Long after you are gone, their memories of your baking will be a wonderful touchstone of you.

Well done for getting therapy.

3

She's clearly suffering from ED, or disordered eating at least.

I think you just have to tell her you will not be discussing food, diets, what others are eating whatsoever in her company. That you think she is triggering herself by constantly obsessing and you won't have any part of it. And you won't let her influence your children to have this unhealthy attitude.

My Dad was like this. Every single time I saw him he mentioned that he hadn’t eaten all day, obsessed with weight and other people’s weight. He died unexpectedly and I think his diet contributed (ate crisps and bread every night because he was likely starving from not eating all day, never at veg etc and had a type of heart attack and had diabetes) I never told him how I felt about his comments or diet and I have no regrets.

If it were me I would send one that says ‘I don’t want to fall out’ but I wouldn’t be saying sorry because you’ve done nothing wrong.

If you told your mum that your MIL was the mother you wish you'd had, what would her response be? Is she delusional enough to think that she was a kind and loving mum to you? I think she needs a wake-up call about her parenting and relationship with you and if she takes offence and refuses to see you any more, I'd take that as a win. Think how peaceful your life would be.

@ipmIs actually on your side.
When you’re in the FOG, it’s very difficult.
My mum was on constant diets.
It messes with your head.
my sister is over weight and I am skinny.
it’s took a long time but I do have a very healthy relationship with food.
And so do my kids.
Your mum has an eating disorder and you won’t change her.

Its like the old saying "if you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got"
or the more direct version "Ultimate madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"
Your choice OP.

I'd do nothing. It doesn't warrant any kind of onward communication. Whatever you say will invoke a response, and so it all starts again.

If absolutely pushed (by her), I'd say I'm not discussing that.