To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

Going nuclear is easy to suggest through a keyboard but seriously, life's too short for the drama.

I learned a long time ago to go for the 'I'm sorry you felt that way' option. The narcissist in them often just hears the 'apology' even though there wasn't actually one given.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt mum. It's really important to me that we model good food habits and discussions in front of the kids so I'd just like to keep that kind of talk out of their earshot next time please. Anyway, what are you up to today?

Fake apology - state your position - distract like a toddler.

I agree here and think IPM is being very rude and lacking any understanding

Far from not wanting to hear from those who disagree, OP has asked you several times to talk her through what you would do and rather than engaging positively, you’ve snidely said ‘you already have’. I’m sorry but you haven’t.

OP did exactly what you suggested and her mother kept hen pecking at her. What exactly does ‘end of conversation look like??’. Do you change the subject (OP said she tried that), kick her DM out, tell her bluntly that the conversation is over (which she did so in snapping), ignore and don’t speak at all to her and stay in silence?

OP has said she’s in therapy and there are wider issues so passive aggressive replies really aren’t helpful.

OP-I have no advice but would love the recipe

I would

@BeachPossum she sounds like an PITA, my paternal grandfather is the same drives the whole family bonkers with his incessant wittering about food and portion size.

Personally I would go for secret option 5

Invite mother round for pie, bash her over the head with a saucepan and bake her in one instead. Serve with gravy, not custard of course.

I like this approach.

I agree with everyone else that your mother has a disordered approach to food and I suspect, as you do, that she is also quite jealous of your relationship with your MIL.

Sometimes we say “speak to the affect” —that is speak directly to the underlying feeling behind the words. The underlying feeling behind the interaction was that she wanted to feel part of your intimate family moment and be offered pie/love. She would not have been able to fully enjoy it because it would have kicked off her ED part which is super critical of her wanting food/closeness. But part of her did want it.

I don’t think she can handle her own confused feelings so its not a conversation you can have, exactly. You are not her mother so its not on you to manage for her. But she is very emotionally immature and can’t handle feelings of regret, exclusion, and loss.

“Nice to see you. Next time let me know you want pie and I will save you some.”

This says “you didn’t fatally destroy our relationship. You still matter. The door is open” but also is not an apology.

jesus christ. How the hell did you not punch your FIL?! 😂what horrible toxic people. 😑

I would make another pie and drop it over to her house and then I'd message her a couple of hours later to ask whether she's eaten it.

Then if she replies "Not yet" or "It's too big for me", I would tell her that your and your DS slaved over that pie and you're so hurt and upset that she hasn't enjoyed it as you intended her to.

Then I'd message her three times a day for the next few days demanding to know if she's finished the pie because you'd absolutely hate for any of it to go to waste after all your hard work.

Hopefully she'll never mention pie again.

I don’t know why I read these types of threads as I always find them incredibly triggering 😆 but you have my most sincere sympathy OP.
My awful covert-narcissist mother would do exactly the same (and would secretly be absolutely seething that the PIL had been round and had some of the pie!)
I totally understand the dynamic you’re in, and there really is only one thing you can do to maintain your sanity - ignore, ignore, ignore.
She wants a reaction (like a toddler) so don’t give her one.
The more you pander to this crap, the more it continues. They really don’t have any ability to self-reflect on how ridiculous they’re being, in her eyes it’s YOUR job to keep them happy and You Have Failed 🙄 (over pie, no less!)
Please don’t reply to any of her batshit messages or attempts at guilting, emotional manipulation, and regaining control.
I have iron clad boundaries with my mother and yet she still tries to pull these bullshit stunts all the time, it is relentless.
For my own sanity I ignore it all, pages and pages of texts, and I don’t answer calls.
You’ll feel like an awful person for doing it but my goodness is it freeing! Good luck 🩷

Child: Mum, I'm really hungry, can I have a sandwich/biscuit/banana (or whatever)

Almond Mum: Have a couple of almonds to fill you up.

1. Ignore the problem and when she stops speaking to you enjoy the silence.

Obviously a pie is going to last an older couple longer than if its shared between several people including kids, people exercising a lot etc.

Clever 4 year old!

Can she/ he come shopping with me please? 😁
I always miss the best stuff....

3, she has form and your children will have noticed this.

Option 2 I think it best long term. She gets a reply and you hold your ground. Low contract with your mum and enjoy being lucky to have a great MiL.

This would be my choice. Ignore her and keep out of her way.

I think that you should do two things:-

1. Just ignore the text from your mum. No more attention for being horrible.
2. Send a text yo your MIL saying “Just wanted to say how lovely it was to see you over the weekend.”

@IPM

It's amazing how completely wrong you have this.

Especially you're obviously not open to anyone who doesn't agree with you.

Firstly (unless I've missed it, I think more than most posters are agreeing with OP)
Secondly, in my opinion you are massively missing the point.

But hey ho, that's mumsnet.....

Its an absolute classic. I make one with grated nutmeg and orange peel that is out of this world. You can also make it with cardamom.

Stop sharing photos of your culinary creations…..simple!

100%! they work really well together

My DH (now ex) would just say "oh theyre just like that ignore them" but that was part of a trait of never defending me or backing me up or really in any way caring about things that upset me. Three months PP my exFil cornered me away from everyone at a party (i was wandering about trying to get DD off to sleep) and asked if i was aware i was still carrying a lot of extra weight. When i told DH and ex SIL they both just said awwww hes just silly like that. His wife was worse. A right piece of work. I dont miss having them in my life

Reminds me of one of my friends criticising me 'You're always hungry!' I replied 'Well you always say you're not hungry and you eat anyway whereas I'm always hungry but I don't eat the whole time, so I'm doing better than you.'

She stfu after that.

What made her think she could dictate what she eats in someone else's house? I have just come back from DD's. Told I could eat anything I wished. I eat what I am offered, I don't say 'oh, let's cut that melon I saw in the fridge'. How rude. Do 2 and leave it alone.
Amazed you got 9 slices out of an average pie - would have gone in one sitting among my family! 😃

The whole conversation be like

Is she jealous that the in laws got a slice when it should have been kept for her - to be offered to her and then refused in a self approving way ?

Me neither, until my 4yo spotted strawberry and rhubarb jam at the supermarket last week. Obviously now it's in our fridge and it's delicious!