To think my mum was ridiculous about a slice of pie

Thanks for saving me the effort of making this response.

Honouring and Golden ? 🤢

You had no pie left when she arrived? Really?

You need to make anothet pie and take a photo, maybe a humble pie?

I'll get my coat.

I am currently going through this with my own mother who is 80. Her appetite has declined. We get it. We do not want or need a constant commentary about how stuffed she is, how she could never eat "all that", how large portions are, how she couldn't possibly eat AGAIN, and on and on and on.

My sister bought an afternoon tea experience for her and a friend for her birthday. Phoned to ask if it was nice. First thing she said was "there was SO much food, I won't need to eat for a week".

It's seriously disordered and pisses me off no end. She is free to eat what she wishes but her endless comments about how full she is and how other people could possibly eat "all that" drive me nuts.

The last paragraph of this post, oh my GOD, I really felt this. Do we all secretly feel this way??! Why are we all suffering like this haha.

It sounds like you really care about your mum and want to have a relationship with her and I totally understand that. As you say, she has trauma and it’s more likely that there’s no malicious intent behind her behaviour, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t damaging. She needs to think more about how her behaviour affects you and now your children too. And you are allowed to get angry with her and tell her how you feel, she won’t like it and may cause an unpleasant reaction, but if she loves you and cares about your relationship, she will try to repair things.

I think your wording for option 2 is great, I would lead with that, and then gently reaffirm that you don’t want anyone making comments about food in front of your children, and you won’t tolerate it again. If she continues then you know she’s acting vindictively and then you can decide how to proceed. Best of luck.

Option 2 - suspect this may not just be about the pie though (and I have a mother who is very similar)

or just a simple 'grow up - its just a pie' response.

I have a deep, dark fantasy that one day she and I will have a reckoning where we both say all the words we bite back and get the hurt out into the light to be sorted out and then instead of having this superficial, painful, spiky relationship where I'm always biting my tongue and yet still letting her down, we can become real, true friends who just love each other in an uncomplicated way. I just don't know how it could ever happen, though.

I dont think it needs to be a fantasy. Why not broach it with her directly? Mum, our discussion the other day and our reactions to it makes me want to get to the bottom of this so we can find a way forward which works for both of us. Is this something you are open to?

If she says no, or comes back with a lot of waffle and bluster, at least you will know you tried to have the relationship you wanted.

FWIW - I do think relationships can be repaired, but it takes acceptance and accountability on both sides. I hope you get to where you want to be. But also have ways of coping if not.

Once you set a boundary, any further discussions about food get a 'we talked about this, we are not doing this' and walk away. If it persists, ask her to leave. Walk away.

4. you ignore her.

Stop giving her attention. It’s what she wants! At some point her eating disorder has reached a stage where her body is consuming brain matter to survive - there’s no point even engaging with her.

My sister has a mother in law who is much like your mother. I suspect the anorexia is the cause of her neurological/psychological issues.

I developed an eating disorder and was very sick and she kept congratulating me on my weight loss to make my sister feel bad. I caught on what she was doing pretty quickly and said “I’ve lost an organ” as well as “my kidneys are failing”.

I’ve told my sister to stop engaging with her because every single interaction ends up upsetting her. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve told her to disengage.

You need to stop engaging with your mother about food. She does it to get a reaction from you. Stop engaging, don’t apologise - just leave it.

2nd paragraph: "We'll have to all go on a diet . . ." obviously.

I would do 3, because I just don’t care how nuclear she goes. If you CBA then do 2, but really it’s a wider issue than pie and I wouldn’t stand for it. Let her go nuclear, so what: ignore, grey rock, Let Her.

My mother was similar.

The "Isn't this naughty?" and "We'll have a all go on a diet after eating this,won't we?" Often giggling as she said it.

And her attitudes about eating and about bodies were/are very gendered. "Oh, boys this age need to fill up!" and so on.

She'd even do the "We'll need to go on a diet after this" malarkey when serving us food that she herself had made for us.

It has taken me a long time (decades) to realize just how disordered and damaging these sorts of attitudes are.

I'd probably play it down and go for option 2.

However I've had years of this shit from MIL - and have gone for jokey reponses - putting her in the wrong - done pointed reponses and prodding DH to back me. All of which felt a bit unsatifactory.

Then DD1 as a teen suddenly swapped from haven't they got a good appepite said with apporval to horror you can't eat all that - DD1 reponse was along lines of what I'd been saying for years - shut MIL right up - clearly she'd been paying more attention than we'd thought.

MIL not done it since to her or her siblings - I still get digs. Odd thing was DH pride in DD1 standing up to MIL - when when his support of me was wavering at best.

I'm very impressed that you got nine slices out of it, OP!
You obviously marketed it very well if your mum turned up dying to have some.
Just do a full-on pie face if she bangs on about it, or send her a pie chart. 😆
We had a Morrisons' apple crumble last night for 4, me and my son locusted our way through it in 2 minutes flat!!!!
👀

Just tell her you'll save her a piece next time :)

You could be 'sorry' that she was disappointed perhaps. (A deliberate misunderstanding of the point of her performance of course.)

No apology needed beyond that.

You are right to keep her attitude to food and eating away from your children.
Teasing her about it might be the way. If not - avoiding food conversation - and carefully switching from it whenever it comes up. Have a set of other things to draw attention when she heads off on that route.

FFS it is NOT the generation!! I am around the same age as your Mum and can absolutely assure you of this.

Your mother should be apologising to you, esp as she unexpectedly turned up completely uninvited. She probably hates rhubarb anyway!

"I swallow a lot of her shit"

what an interesting phrase to use 😅

I think I'd go for a non-apology. Something like "I'm sorry if you feel hurt, but honestly, Mum, you just wouldn't leave the subject of the pie alone, there was nothing more I could usefully say about it, I tried six times to move the conversation on politely but you wouldn't have it. I know you feel there is nothing wrong with your attitude to food but please do accept at least that you might be mistaken on that".

I think there is another option - modelling taking responsibility by taking accountability for anything you did which is less than ideal (snapping at her) but giving context and setting up what you need to happen. So something like;

Mum, I am sorry I snapped at you. That is not how I want to behave. But I also need to explain why it happened. After a series of comments which seemed to imply we were greedy or overeating, made in front of my children, I was angry what what was being said may make them have feelings about food which are unhealthy, and frustrated by what seemed to be criticism. Going forward, you are welcome to ask for any food you want, but you need to refrain from commenting if it is gone. How you approach food and eating is up to you, but it is not acceptable to me for you to comment on my eating or that of my family.

Perhaps consider creating a new WhatsApp group for each side of the family, rather than one for everyone? May reduce the jealousy issues (and allow you to make plans with nice ILs without your mom going nuts).

I appreciate that doesn't deal with the underlying issues, but having had a similar dynamic with my own mother it is EXHAUSTING. Reducing the number of interactions and thus the friction points can be very useful.

I think she just really wanted a piece of that pie! Why not make one specially for her and your father? It would give them a happy week.😁

I really feel for you op. It's a tricky situation. And as you said in one of your replies, it's not really about the pie.

personally I'd just not acknowledge her tantrum. Certainly not apologise. Just ignore.

but I understand that if you have a difficult relationship it's not that simple. But I do think j it's worth talking it through with your therapist and asking for them to help you with coping strategies when situations like this arise (you know they will again)

I think it's hard once we have our own children as we see how we want to parent and that can sometimes highlight poor relationships with our own parents.

I completely agree. She was rude asking for the pie before she started her theatrics about how greedy OP and her family must be.

I think 3. Let’s be honest unless you bow down about everything then she won’t be happy. At least with 3 you can be more honest, (try) to shut her down more and hopefully she will learn her lesson a bit

Sending sympathy as your mum sounds quite like mine. Always picking about things (often stuff that’s none of her business or concern e.g. this pie!), is always right about everything even if she has no knowledge of it (her “insights” into childcare costs and rules is errrr interesting -especially as she never paid for childcare or worked in that area. That’s before you get to where l am going wrong with my diet / exercise / amount of make up l don’t wear etc

A therapist and people on here have suggested: books.google.co.uk/books/about/Adult_Children_of_Emotionally_Immature_P.html?id=-ZZGCQAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y

They're the years when you pee yourself a lot, hence golden.

Text saying “I’m sorry mum, I did actually have pie left over when you came but I’ve noticed recently that your clothes are getting tighter so I didn’t want to give it to you and I know how much you love a treat. It’s for your own good, I’m sure you understand”.