Child excluded from holiday with other parent

I understand your son's feelings, and why you are annoyed but I don't think forcing them to take him is going to improve anything.
Whilst there is presumably a contact arrangement in place, at 14, your son can presumably make some decisions regarding this

Right, have more time and have read it all again and I do totally feel for your son. The step-family are not just excluding him, but actively doing this to the extent - as with posting pics of them doing things on the WhatsApp group - to the point that it is almost bullying. If this were a friend group, you'd tell him to get some better friends who like him, because that's what he deserves. FWIW they also seem a) insecure and b) quite stupid if they believe in total fairness to the point of a McDonalds when the eldest child is 25.

As I said, this was how I grew up too, and it's such a damaging environment to feel that you are the least worthy of everyone in the whole group. But you cannot say this. Please do find him some counselling, and ideally a good, proper therapist, so that he can work out what he wants to do and then follow through on it.

One of the reasons he might be wanting to be 'fair' is because he is so used to the idea that his needs and wants come last for them. He needs someone - from outside the system - to tell him that it's fine to put some distance between himself and the people who are not treating him right. And if you do this, you will save him from so much grief in later life.

Sounds like dad's new wife and her 3 have successfully pushed him out of the family.

Dad's a terrible father for allowing it to happen, but he clearly just wants an easy life at home so isn't looking at what has actually caused the issues his son is facing in dad's home and with his 'new family'. Poor kid.

I don’t know if I’ve missed it but is SC dad in the picture, I’m guessing not. Your ex is being set up as their dad now.
I have seen men do this though. It’s much easier to be dad to the SC who are there all the time rather than their part time child. He is close to destroying his relationship with his son.

The holiday doesn’t sound ideal. What dad should have said though is, I don’t think this would be a good holiday for you, so why don’t we do something together later. It doesn’t sound like he would do that as it would exclude SC.

I think the thing of having to share snacks with SC is frankly pathetic, especially adult SC.

Honestly, he doesn't get along with them and hides in his room when he visits. There is no way he would enjoy the cruise.
I understand him feeling hurt and left out, but in reality it is best for him as well as them.
Ideally his dad would take him for something shorter but equivalent, just the two of them.

I'll bet step mum is the main issue behind all this. Has it been since he married her that he stopped talking to you? I bet she moans about ds ruining their perfect family of 4 and ds has caught on to this atmosphere. Granted your ex dh is no saint in all of this and should do more to help blending the step kids with his ds or as other posters have said, do 1 on 1 holidays. I'd also bet that the conversation ds overheard has absolutely destroyed his confidence and thinks he can't compete with this 'perfect family '. He's 14 for crying out loud. So for ex dh to have said that makes him a massive cunt.

This is total rubbish.

The son is 14 and didn’t ask for his parents to split up. His father’s behaviour is rejecting him over and over again. No wonder he’s struggling

Ugg this is so messy. I do feel for your son. I honestly think you should be encouraging a reduction in contact as it will be messing with his head. From your first post I was more 50:50 but it does sound like his dad has sort of replaced him with a new family. I think you have to speak to ex again even if he tries to shut the conversation even if it’s a ‘son seems unhappy, we need to think about what is happening and how to support’.

Sounds like the other side of SM family are causing trouble on holiday and your son is/was affected by the upheaval unpleasantness and stress of it all.

Poor lad. It doesn’t excuse how his dad said it was bad and not correct who it was that caused all the upset.

If I have it correct it was SM side causing it.

Rather staggered that posters would seek to judge a 13/14 year old boy than look at the ongoing choices made by his father.

If you’ve got a poor relationship with your child then you look at what you can do as the adult to improve it.

Lazy arse parenting from the father, leaving it to the Op to worry and figure out. It’s highly damaging for any child to feel rejected by their parent - at least he has one parent prepared to put some thought into it.

I see several posters have recommended counselling - I think that would be valuable and help him to articulate his thoughts.

So called 'blended' families can be such a nightmare.
There's obviously a serious problem that needs attention and care, but I can't think that repeating a disastrous family holiday will make things better between your son and his dad. The poor lad is probably tense and upset all the time he's with the mum and her 3 offspring.
You might ask DS if he can think of something that would help and be manageable, like having a regular outing just the two of them doing something they both like.

Oh crikey, please don’t do this.

I faced years of the first wife essentially snitching to granny (who doesn’t even live in the country), and granny then calling to kick off at my partner with a half truth she’d heard third hand…

He’s now no contact with his mum.

The ex should damn well grow up and act like a father. He's ridiculous.

I don't think this is remotely fair (assuming the OP is being honest), but even if it was...so what. I don't think children should be obliged to fit round their parents' love lives. Ultimately the OP's son didn't ask to have a bunch of random strangers in his life. That's a choice his father has made, because it suits his father. If the 14yo doesn't want to play happy families, it's up to the father to work on maintaining a one on one relationship with his son. I think thats the case even if the dad and stepmum weren't crap, which it sounds like they are.

Maybe the wife is funding the holiday for her children and just wants it to be them? Maybe her children only have the opportunity to holiday with her? Your son also has you to take him away on a
family holiday. Perhaps dad could take his son away on a separate holiday to spend some one on one time with him? I can see how it would upset him but they are naturally going to do things as a family without your son as he doesn’t live with them. You can’t expect them not to go for meals etc just because he isn’t there.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to go where I don’t ’fit in’. Perhaps you need to intervene and speak to his dad on his behalf, they need to build some bridges or you son will forever resent his dad.

@BlackCatsForever I doubt it's the stepkids that get mad. Much as I hate to tout the 'evil stepmother' trope, it's probably coming from her. And the OP's ex is too much of a spineless dickhead to divert from the path of least resistance and stand up for his son.

My one comment on your post OP coming from a blended family is that the kids can behave like entirely different people between those two houses so while I’m sure your son is lovely with you at home, your ex may be getting a very different child to deal with and it seems to be causing issues within their family home. Would your ex be open to counselling with your son? It sounds like they may have some issues to work out around their relationship.

Can you afford to get some therapy for your son? It’s quite clear that his relationship with his dad is going to come to a head and your son is going to be deeply hurt if his dad’s behaviour remains unchanged. If he has therapy, he may learn some tools to help him through that eventuality. It may also help him work out what he actually wants to do in respect to contact with his dad before he’s hurt too badly.

I’m starting to wonder if this can be real. What sort of 19 and 25 year olds get upset if their mother’s husband spends time with his biological child without them? Much as I would be annoyed if it’s fake I kind of hope it is.

God, some of the replies on here are utterly depressing. What 14-year old should have to shoulder the responsibility of having a relationship with a dad that clearly isn't trying particularly hard? Or be the bluddy entertainment life-and-soul-of-the-party on a holiday when he isn't even allowed to spend time with his own biological grandparents because of his stepfamily and it has to be equal, otherwise he gets cut from the next holiday? I absofuckinglutely despair.

Read the thread. Dad refuses to spend ANY 1+1 time with his son. The new wife certainly sounds awful but ultimately his father is the problem.

OP could you take your son away on a trip to make up for missing out?