Child excluded from holiday with other parent

Your poor son!!
All you can do is encourage your son to speak with his father about things. And be Sympathetic when he talks to you about it. You dont need to slate his father, but repeat the "well thats not very kind of him" lines. I have similar here and it is really heartbreaking, yet my child still has their father on a pedestal until "next time". It might be healthier if he leaves the family whatsapp.

You say his dad is/was genuinely a lovely man and a great Dad, but there must have been a reason you didn't want to continue the relationship.
Is it possible your ex is still mourning your relationship and trying hard to make what might be a rebound relationship work because he doesn't want 2 failed relationships and this is having a negative effect on his relationship with his son? Maybe you need to step in and tell your ex that your son wants a relationship with him but for a while it needs to be a more relaxed one, with meetings away from the home and without the rest of the family present

I think you have to back your son on this. They are behaving very badly. Have an honest conversation with your ex and point out he is alienating his son. He is a child, they are adults. He’s being expected to fit in with no concessions. It’s unfair and damaging.

You need to protect your son more. This situation sound like something that could have a lasting effect on him.
Whether the dad wanted to marry the stepmum or not is irrelevant.
I don’t think you should’ve told him it was a “shame” he didn’t want to go to his dad’s when he’s so clearly uncomfortable there. You guilt tripped him, I’m afraid.
You need to have a serious chat with the dad and he shouldn’t then go and put the blame on the child.
He seems miles away from being a good father.

Advocate for your son and protect him.

Can you facilitate conversation between father and son? It sounds like your son is his only biological offspring at that the step children were adults / teens when they entered his life. He’s not really their family, even if they shower him with attention ( which is a bit odd if you ask me). He’s slowly but surely losing a precious connection with his only child. He needs to go away on a father-son holiday. They need time to be just them.

Won't allow? He's a massive dickhead who is treating his son like shit. Your son is getting older now, you need to support him putting boundaries in and not going as much. It doesn't matter what his Dad wants. His Dad is not acting like a Dad. You sound very passive about this. Take your son to a therapist so she can help him set boundaries for himself and know that he doesn't have to be treated like this because you don't seem to be stepping in and helping him. You say it's a shame and he wants a relationship with his Dad. Well being there isn't helping with this. The relationship is doomed. His Father has fucked it up and he's not receptive to fixing it. The ship has sailed. Protect your son from this emotionally damaging behaviour.

What does your son say they are always "on at him" for?

I’ve accidentally clicked thanks instead of quote in my previous post - doh! But can see you’ve edited yours to explain you’ve got a good relationship with your child’s SM, and her granny - which is amazing.

I think our situation was quite different as it was the ex, rather than the child, who was contacting granny - who none of us ever really saw anyway. From your post I believe you suggested OP (the adult) “reaches out”.

Just from my own experience it really just came off as meddling / stirring the pot when granny got involved… especially as she wasn’t actually ever around.

Why not?! If they’re free it’s lovely to spend a holiday with adult children.

See it from their point of view - last holiday was ruined because of the tension - would you pay out thousands of pounds do it again? What are they meant to do? Just not go on holiday?

I feel for your son too though, maybe you should take him on holiday around the same time?

You say your son doesn't want you to say anything but I think you need to advocate for him. Perhaps you, son and his dad need to sit down together and talk, or go through counselling together to be able to express how everyone feels without anyone getting angry.

There are two sides to this and you are hearing what your son is saying. He wanted to come home from holiday and shuts himself in a room when he visits (though you say he says he is told to - which is confusing and we would need to know why they are telling a teenager he can't come out).
You say he is upset when he sees photos of them all together which you need to talk to dad about - from what you say your son says they purposefully do these meals and events when he isn't there, but is that truly the case? Can you make it clear with dad that son would like to be there for different things and you can switch days if necessary to facilitate this.

There is every possibility that when there he seems unhappy and that they are at the point where they don't know what to do with him and don't want to risk taking him on a trip where he won't leave the room and be wanting to go home.

I think you need to talk to dad with son present and try to clear the air.

Or being told that some other random family is now his, but he's not really welcome there.

It's not about whether he wants to go or not, it's about being excluded from his own nuclear family.

He was 13. Do you think your average 13 year old would cope with a scenario where he is one against 5? Four of whom are adults who spend their time excluding him from meals out, Father's Day or indeed anything fun they do? OP said he was told to stay in his room on the holiday while the others went out and left him. They also have a go at him for spending time with his grandparents and the SM took his phone and criticised him for having more photos of his holiday with his mum than of her family. How would your 13 year old - or your 13 year old self - have coped with that?

Strong Cinderella vibes from all the OP's posts. It just sounds like a classic case of a man who's got a new family and can't really be bothered with the old one. I imagine the new wife would rather he spent his money on her and her kids as well (I never understand women who are like this, or men who just go along with this happening, but it happens a lot so there it is).

There isn't any good way of dealing with this because your ex is just being a shit dad but is unlikely to see it or step up, and it's your son who'll be left feeling unloved and that he's not as good as the rando stepsiblings. I suppose all you can do is reassure him that he IS good enough, and to take him on holiday yourself.

This is great advice. Do this.

Is he a "lovely, kind and caring child" when he's on holiday, or is he sullen, uncoperative and moody when he's on holiday? He wanted to come home last time, so why does he even want to go?

Yeah because men who've remarried famously do prioritise their former families over the shiny bright new ones they've created with their shiny bright new wife.

You’ve suggested in your original post that OP “reaches out” - which is a different thing from what’s happening with your daughter. @Acatcalledfawkes

I get on really well with my exMIL. I don't snitch on my ex at all, she's been an amazing support to my daughter, my daughter however snitches on her dad all the time and granny is the first person she calls when she's upset with her Dad.

Just to add too. I may not agree with my exs wife on everything but we have a very civil relationship, were facebook friends, she always kisses me on the cheek when she sees me etc..

I really feel for your son and agree with the posters who have said this isn’t about a holiday. It’s about him feeling excluded from his Dads new family.

He is a child and it shouldn’t be on him to be making decisions about keeping going to his Dads to try and please Dad. This is where I would be stepping in and taking back some control. Remove him from any WhatsApp groups that upset him. Tell Dad he’s not going to spend as much time there and tell him why. You do have control over this and your son is too young to be shouldering the responsibility of making these decisions. Poor kid is trying to keep everyone happy but needs to have someone who is in his corner.

It sounds as though Dad will never step up and have a one to one relationship with your son. That’s absolutely awful but better to accept it and deal with it rather than keeping trying to please him in the hope that things will change.

Facilitate a relationship with your ex in laws and pull right back on the amount of time he’s spending at Dads house - it will cause him so much trauma.

When I was younger I was in a similar position as your son, my dad had remarried and when I was made to go out with him and his new family, it did make me feel left out, my step mother made no effort with me and would only do activities with her children and ignore me, it's a very hard position to be in. My advice would be don't push him, explain to his dad how he feels and how what they are doing is affecting him, why can't his dad take him away for a weekend just the 2 of them? You have to remember they have all grow up together and have that family dynamic where your son hasn't got that with them, and I would say any little thing he does will be seen as wrong! Give him a big hug from me, as I know how horrible it is and for me it never got better, even when my dad died I was made to feel an outsider at his funeral x

I disagree. I wouldn't dream of leaving my child behind for 50% of my holidays.

Most decent parents would agree with me.

Sorry, but what does the 25 year old do for a living. Surely they have their own money, why can’t they buy their own sweets or McDonald’s. Same actually goes for the 19 year old also.

As a SM whose DSC made it clear they didn’t want me around, I agree with this. I booked holidays for DH and our DC. He should be spending equal holidays with his son alone, and this is for your ex to organise, not the SM. Forcing people who don’t like each other to spend holidays together in the name of ‘fairness’ is a waste of time for everyone involved.