Child excluded from holiday with other parent

This is kind of crazy, 3/14ths? Should he be collected at 11.17pm and 30 seconds. on the second day of the holiday?

But he obviously does need convincing - he needs to step up to the plate.
Unfortunately he probably won’t so mum will have to look at other strategies to ensure son doesn’t grow up with all sorts of emotional problems.

Please explain why it is up to the OP to ‘convince dad to spend 1 on 1time’. He won’t talk to her about the issues.

Why wouldn’t the boy’s father want to spend one on one time with the boy ? He shouldn’t need convincing.

OP, this is so bloody sad to read, poor kid. Your heart must be breaking for him.
But I really think you need to step up for him, he's only 14, he needs guidance, not to be told you're old enough to deal with this yourself. I would limit his contact with his dad and force a ftf meeting with him. Dont let this continue, it'll affect him in later years.

I have read the thread rude person/total stranger.
Mum needs to convince dad to spend 1 on 1 time otherwise son will suffer badly.
Please go to anti- rudeness classes, there’ll be one in your area I’m sure.

Then his dad is showing traits of narcissism and your son deserves so much better.

No mother would want to keep sending their child into this situation where they feel unwanted by five people including their own parent. So the options are to stop sending him and risk your ex doing nothing about it, or to confront him.

Realistically, what would he do if DS said he didn’t want to stay any more?

Some of the details you’ve shared suggests there are some really odd behaviours going on at his dad’s house. The holiday situation is actually the least clear cut “problematic” behaviour, as it could be justified in various ways. Granted not everyone’s satisfaction.

However, SM going through the bins, the pair of them making him share absolutely everything with the step siblings, never having any time alone with his dad. All of that is absolutely bizarre and is going to damage his relationship with his dad.

1:1 time doesn’t even have to be a hugely expensive or time consuming thing. It’s popping to the shop together, having a chat whilst doing the dishes etc as much as it is going for days out/meals/big events.

The man you were married to is gone, your son can’t talk to his dad because his dad gets angry at him!
I would tell your son, how unfair it all it, but he has you, when he feels sad and upset.
Could you have a word with your ex in laws? Tell them he misses them and try to arrange for him to see them regularly? They too are getting pushed out, so they should be so pleased to see him. Encourage regular contact so even though his dad is letting him down badly, he can concentrate on those that will treat him with love.

You appear to write very fairly and considerately OP, and I feel you are doing your best. Trying to look through it all to some solutions, these may be bad but this is what I would think of as the key steps:

1. Reassure son it sounds like he wouldn't enjoy the trip given other issues, so put it behind him
2. Ask ex directly to book at least a long weekend away to spend time just with your son, given that he is missing the holiday
3. Encourage a weekend every 4-6 weeks to be spent with grandparents and cousins rather than dad; it will help him extend those relationships without the pressure of the step family
4. Let son know that his relationship with his dad, good or bad, is theirs alone. Where it isn't working, he could think about writing it all down, cry it out, make the points more rational, then talk to dad in person about a few key changes he'd like to see, while being open to constructive criticism back.

Good luck to you and your son. He'll be ok with or without dad because he has you in his corner.

OP, I may be completely wrong, but I get the impression your son just wants to spend one on one time with his father.

When Courts make Child Arrangement Orders the Orders specify who a child will live with and who and when they ‘will spend time with’ (usually the non-resident parent).

That wording isn’t just plucked out of the air. It is not unknown for Courts to stress to the non-resident parent that this is specifically time for them to spend with their child and for relationships to work, the non-resident parent needs to ensure they make that time appealing for the child to want to spend that time with them.

I understand from your posts that despite you also being in a new relationship (and new ‘family’ ?) you ensure you spend time with just you and your son ? This is what your Ex should be doing. It’s not easy but nobody said being a parent was easy.

If your son’s father wants to have a fulfilling relationship with his son then he needs to invest time and effort into that relationship. He must understand his son doesn’t have an emotional tie to his new wife and her children and may not even want to. If his father had children with his new wife then his son would have a tie to his half-siblings but these people in his father’s new ‘family’ are nothing to him. His father may have been a good father before he found his new ‘family’ but he isn’t now.

I may be cynical, but I have seen enough cases in Family Court where the non-resident parent has used the percentage of ‘time spent with’ in a CAO to score points off the resident parent or minimise their Maintenance payments.

Having pontificated, what can I suggest ? Sadly, it doesn’t sound as if your Ex is listening to you or your/his son so the only thing I can suggest is going to Family Court for a formal CAO and hope the initial Mediation or work with CAFCASS might help the scales drop from your Ex’s eyes.It comes at a monetary cost and there is no guarantee it would work but it would formalise things and allow your son to express his ‘Wishes and Feelings’ to CAFCASS. Your Ex might listen to an independent view especially if it is reinforced by the Court. Sometimes a sledgehammer is needed to crack a tough nut.

I hope this is of help and I wish you and your son all the best.

Oops

This is such a bizarre response . Children are divvied up like that. His Dad is going on a family holiday without his son.

OP It doesn’t really matter how your son behaved or didn’t behave on the last holiday his Dad should be prioritising him, I feel sad for him. At the same time he shouldn’t go on a holiday where he isn’t wanted and is treated like that, you need to protect him from that. Hard and sad all round but with your love and security he will be fine, it’s just tough that his Dad doesn’t have a backbone and is choosing this ‘family’ instead of his own. Sadly I think that this might be the beginning of it all and if his Dad doesn’t listen now I worry about their relationship moving forward, it’s hurtful.

So much to unpack here, OP. The holiday business isn’t great but the bigger picture is the real problem.

Your ex sounds like he’s trying so hard to make a perfect family with his new wife that he’s failing his own son, at an age when he needs his Dad more that ever.

Is contact court ordered? If not then DS definitely does have a say and doesn’t have to stay the night. I’m wondering if your ex is hung up overnight stays because it reduces any maintenance he has to pay? Or is it a point of pride?

The ‘everyone must be treated fairly’ approach is also flawed because fair doesn’t always mean equal. And only two of the children are children.

i know you said he reacts badly when you or your DS try to speak to him. Would he consider attending some counselling sessions with you and DS or just DS?

if not then I think it’s worth trying again to say ‘please stop and try to build some positive next steps with DS’ It sounds like they have zero 1:1 time together, which is terrible. The PP who suggested them spending time together away from ex’s house is absolutely right - this is a great way to rebuild the relationship and trust. If your ex won’t do this then he’s not putting your son first.

As the wife of a 45 year old DH who has lived this as a child, let your son decide and back him up. DH and BIL were never a patch on the step kids. Now all adults, step siblings had their kids who now have kids, our kids (actual grandkids) don’t get a look in but the great grands do, parties (which are always kept secret from us), sleepovers, trips out of town etc. DH’s step sister got married last year and non of us were invited. A quiet affair yet distant friends were there. Our families were excluded and FIL never said anything or spoke up yet came round the following weekend to bung our kids their monthly £10 and brag about how good it was despite us blatantly not asking about it or being arsed.

It’s all been off since we met 20 years ago. Women can come into another blokes life and erase what he had to make room for what she has. My FIL, as nice as he is, just goes where he’s told and does what he’s told. The step side take priority so we don’t bother and haven’t done. My DH doesn’t want our kids exposed to that so we just keep away. My DH doesn’t have a relationship as such with his dad. It’s all very awkward and the hurt is still there.

This sort of exclusion and victimisation within the family is a form of abuse. I'm not saying this situation is the same but justifying exclusion due to a child's "bad behaviour" and othering them is very much a feature of some of the child abuse cases which have made the papers in the past few years.

This is really sad. His dad will ruin his relationship with his son. If they were adult kids going on an adult cruise in term time I'd say fair enough, but the 15 year old is going too. It's so unfair. No wonder your son doesn't feel he belongs with them.

There was a similar story from a step mum in the last few days saying do they have to take step daughter on holiday as she only chooses to see dad for shopping trips and holidays and never wants to come to see them otherwise. If someone can find and link it here that might be interesting reading for you!