Child excluded from holiday with other parent

@Aquestiontoponder the dad is not thinking of the future at all, is he? his son is going to grow away from him. he has seen the attitude and neglect of his father worsening for a few years now. this situation is not going to improve and will only worsen. son will eventually just cut him out of his life! he is barely in it anyway at the moment/

💯 this

Ok so the step mum is a bin dipping weirdo but still she is probably conducting all this shite and ex dh is the puppet. Absolute pair of cunts.

So what tools are you going to give your son to help him through this? Starting with his social media. What can you do?

It sounds to me like the step Mum is actually so bad she is abusive. Going through bins to find sweet wrappers and have a go is mental. Especially as most of the time she ignores him. I think it is up to you OP to protect your son. He is too young to know what to do. Yes it will cause issues. Your son should not be made to go visit his Dad when his Dad isn't there a lot of the time. Write a letter detailing the issues, reduce contact and go to court to make it official if needed, talk to your ex MIL to explain the issues and ask for some support for her grandson - ideally setting up some regular visits so he can rebuild a relationship with that side of the family. Your son is not strong enough to make the decision to reduce contact himself. Also get a new CMS claim in. Get what you can as you can guarantee step mum will ensure your son is cut out of any futurr will.

What a shame that a young teenage boy has to deal with this because his father is weak-spirited and his step mother has multiple issues. Teenage years are full of hormones and emotions, and the damage done with his father now will never be repaired to its full potential.

Your ex has tried for so long to appease his wife that he’s probably changed his thinking. She seems very manipulative but not in an obvious way, and your ex is parroting whatever she tells him eg, “my stepchildren were great on the holiday, but my son was disruptive”

I doubt things will get better, which is sad, because nothing should come between the relationship of a parent and child.

I wish the part about the dad changing surprised me, but I've seen it happen multiple times IRL. Dad just wants to play happy families with his new partner and children and his own children are expected to just slot in or are dropped altogether. Seems especially common where the partner's children have no dad of their own on the scene. Its incredibly fucked up.

Come on. Assuming even half the things the OP says are true, the SM is completely mental! But ultimately she chose to be with a man who already had a dependent child. Its a package deal. If the man is a half decent human being, that child is his first priority (ahead of her, ahead of her children). But IME quite a few women just don't think through or want to think through the implications. And the man then mostly goes a long with the new woman. Of course if there's a No 3 in the future No.2's children will also be dropped like a stone too. Its really sad.

And of that is too much drama for his father, then tough shit. Better no contact than a relationship that destroys your self worth and confidence.
It is not rocket science.

Your ex husband needs to make the effort to build a strong relationship with his son. He needs to spend the time with him when he is in his house, take him out one on one, spoil and celebrate him. BS that of treating all children equal, because they are not. Having a father's day meal, but only when your son is gone.... and then refusing a mac from gran! No way!
And to overhear your father saying you are horrible and stressed him on his holidays. Compared to the ideal step children...
This is far far far too much.
Your son should tell his father. And not see him till he addresses the way he is treating his son. He is treating him differently from the others. Plain to see. Failing that, text your ex or write a letter to him spelling it out.
Nobody should be treated like this.
If I were your son, I would make very clear to my father that I am not going on any holiday next year. Or ever, if he keeps up with the BS.

I think it’s tricky really. If he doesn’t feel involved and there was stress and drama because of it last time they all went away, I’m not really sure why he wants to go anyway. I understand he feels left out, but does he honestly make an effort when he’s with them? There must be a reason why his dad thinks he ruined the last holiday.
I can see why the rest of the family aren’t keen to have him if he made the previous holiday so difficult.
Blended families are hard. I don’t know if there’s even a decent answer here.
I feel for your son, but I can see why his dads family might be reluctant to invite him again.

And I'd also start looking at therapy for your ds ASAP. I was loyal to my biological mum when I found her at 17. She then got bored of me and when her other dd was old enough to see her again she dropped me and didn't want to know anymore. This triggered further trauma to me already by the fact I was adopted and further rejected again. I have borderline personality disorder and depression. Please please let your ds know he doesn't have to give a shit about his dad.

I'd sit down with ds and explain he doesn't need to be loyal to his dad. This could potentially trigger an awful trauma response, if not already by these pricks. I'd go through courts now and get evidence of ex dh earnings and money he sends. You need to concentrate on healing your ds. Best of luck and give ds a big hug from me.

Haven't rtft yet but already a few things are jumping at me.

It sounds like you are blaming the step mother for the situation. Why ? It's the dad's responsibility. It's not her job to manage his relationship with his son.

You point out that they do nice stuff when he isn't there and not when he is. Sounds to me like the step mother is organizing days out with her kids. When your son is there she leaves the ball in his dad's court to organize stuff. That's fair enough, isn't it ? And if dad's a bit shit and doesn't organize anything to do with his son, that's unfortunate but again, not her job to fix it.

As for the photos, I doubt she's posting them "at" your son to make him feel excluded. More likely she's sharing photos and stuff with her wider circle of family and friends, I don't think she should censor herself (and if she did your son would probably feel even more excluded, no ?)

The only part where I'd blame her is the father's day thing when he isn't her kids' father. That's a bit weird.

But in general it sounds a bit like she can't do right for doing wrong. Whatever she does, if she doesn't share stuff she's excluding him, if she does she's rubbing his nose in it.

Bottom line : it doesn't sound like the step mom is doing anything wrong, your son's dad however is not "ultimately a good dad", it sounds like he's a pretty shit one.

His dad doesn't care, he has shown that. I'd encourage him to detach himself from his poor excuse for a father, as it won't get any better. Far, far better a parent who has buggered off than one who rubs it in your face that he doesn't love you and prefers your replacements.

And of course he should not have to go and be treated badly. Who cares what any of the rest of them think or do - your only responsibility is to your own son. Showing him you lovingly have his back and understand how hurt he is by his father being a bad parent might make him realise at least one parent loves him.

Nailed it.

Sounds to me like he feels excluded, gets upset/acts out (understandably) so they exclude him more, then berate him for not being all involved sending lovely family WhatsApp’s or whatever. He’s a teenage boy, not the adult in this equation. The two adults, and especially his dad, need to be stepping up here

Personally I would tell him he doesn’t need to go to his Dad’s any more. My DS stopped going around the same age, mainly due to his step mum who was increasingly vile to him. I’d also suggest to his Dad that he should arrange 121 activities with his son. The important relationship is the one between father and son, he doesn’t need to have a relationship with the rest of his dad’s new family if he doesn’t want to.

I think you need to help him navigate this and communicate with his dad. He’s a 14 year old boy and these are tricky conversations and he’s obviously not able to do it himself.

Continue to support your son, love him unconditionally and do everything you can to make up for the poor excuse of a man who is his Dad.
He and new wife will definitely damage your son and his emotional health, hopefully you will be able to counter some of this. Therapy for your son?

I agree with this except for the last bit - I don't blame the OP at all for this situation. The ex won't talk to her. She has no control over the other family and how they behave. Her son wants to maintain a relationship with his dad. She has spoken to the ex and been shut down and the son has gotten it in the neck for it. What was she supposed to do? Forbid her son seeing his dad??

But yes - all the rest of it. your son needs to know that he isn't in the wrong to feel unwelcome and unwanted when there is a clear strategy to make him feel unwelcome and unwanted. He needs to know that it is ok to take a step back and see his dad's actions for what they are. I would probably explain it to him as your dad is a bit weak and wants a quiet life. Like the poster said, I'd encourage him to have a separate relationship with the dad's family, limit the time he spends in the home which is not welcoming, and start doing other things in life.

It is just so sad though. My own kids would have been devastated to be treated like this. God, my sister and I would even get a bit jealous when my mum would make a big fuss over our cousins - whom we loved!

Your ex is a weak man. He was decent when he was with you because you expected him to be decent. This woman expects him to favour her children as a tribute to her so he does that instead. This won't get better and can't be changed by you or your son.

Look, the man you were married to has gone. He's a shit dad now. He's blown the last however many years with your son, and he will continue to do so. You cannot change the behaviour of other people and get them to feel what you are feeling. All you can do is adjust your own behaviour. You need to let your son decide to no longer go where he isn't wanted or to help him with some coping strategies. If that includes not being tortured by WhatsApp groups and the like, then take him off them. He is entitled to a relationship with his paternal grandparents without needing the permission of his father and his cow of a step mother, so facilitate that. He's entitled to his privacy and not to have his phone searched by that woman, so find a way for him to keep his SM/photos private from her. See if there's a hobby he'd like to take up to boost his confidence and channel his emotions. This entire mess is an adult created clusterfuck, and you've played your part in this with your passivity. Time to step up and support your son and be a parent.

But you haven't answered the question why it has to be OP who tries to convince him; she's already tried.