Child excluded from holiday with other parent

If exh wants ds to stop over to reduce the amount of child maintenance he has to pay, can you afford to tell him that the maintenance can stay the same but ds will stay at home? It sounds like that would make exh's home life easier in the short term. Perhaps some distance would make exh realise that he's missing out on the relationship with his son and might try to rebuild their bond. DS might find it easier not being constantly disappointed by his father.

It's awful when your dc can't speak openly to anyone and have them advocate on his behalf.

I've only read your first few responses, OP, but I feel sorry for your son. He's only 14 and his father has deliberately excluded him from a family holiday. Even if he didn't want to go with his step-mother, -brothers and -sisters, he should have been given the choice.

If children don't feel like they fit in because they are at an awkward stage, the solution isn't to exclude them from family life but to explore ways of creating a bond. Even if it's collecting them a McDonald's on the way home so that they know that you care.

i don’t think this is a fair comment to make at all. 14 years old. He feels like he doesn’t fit in. Hormones are all over the place at this age. OP states that son wants to have a relationship with his dad. When my step son joined our family he was 9. His behaviour was uncontrollable. I’ll admit that I used to dread him coming over but then I sat there one day and thought about the situation. He is coming into our home, my 3 children were there and he felt like he didn’t belong. How would I feel if I were in that situation? He was doing it to direct the attention to him. I spoke to my partner about it and said that I think he needed to spend some 1 on 1 time with him as well as us all being together. We have included him in everything thing we do. My side of the family have taken him on and he is treated exactly the same as my children. He is 16 now so he picks and chooses when he wants to come on holiday, come to family events, etc. He is secure in knowing that he is welcome here whenever he wants and he will be invited to where ever we go. Maybe dad needs to grow up, accept that he has a child from a previous relationship, make some time for his son, put the effort in and ensure that his son is secure and welcome. That goes for the whole of dads new family. I garantee they will see a massive change. People are too fond of starting relationships knowing their new partner has a child but put no effort in what so ever. If you don’t want to include the child then don’t get with their parent. Same goes to the parent of the child… you don’t pick and choose when it suits you. Child neglect! Just because the child doesn’t live with them it doesn’t mean they are not neglecting them. Remember he is still a child. You can’t put this on him or OP. You state OP’s son has problems and she needs to find out what they are… can you not see what it is? He feels pushed out and like he doesn’t belong. Have you ever heard of fight or flight? Instead of putting himself in a position where he feels uncomfortable he is avoiding it. Example… sitting in a room on his own. Why doesn’t dad go and sit with him? Ask him to come down and join everyone? Take him for a walk? There is so much here that can be done. Just seems like dad cant be bothered and is taking the easy route and excluding him.

From a SP point of view we couldn’t win with my SS. We would take him on days out and he’d have his head in his phone and honestly looked so miserable. We’d organise loads of different types of activities and he’d point blank refuse to engage.

We’d ask him what he wanted to do and he’d say that he just wanted to stay in his room and play on the computer, but then go to his mother and tell her that we refused to do anything with him.

We’d Take him away for UK weekends and holidays and he’d just walk behind us with his head down, totally refusing to join in.

He told us that he didn’t want to go abroad “because that food is disgusting and I hate the heat”, but when we went without him he’d complain to his mother that we were excluding him. He made every holiday miserable for everyone involved.

my husband even took him alone for weeks camping etc and he’d complain that we were excluding him and not treating him as family.

i don’t know why my SS acted the way that he did, we tried everything to include him, read countless books about blended families etc but he just didn’t want it.

If he won’t engage, then I honestly don’t blame his father for not taking him, I wish that I’d had the strength to suggest that to my husband but I wanted us to be a family.

Unfortunately my adult kids will still comment on past holidays and say “yeah that was brilliant, but remember when SS did this and we had to leave early” etc. He ruined my children’s childhood experiences because we only did things when he was with us, simply to not exclude him.

your son needs to understand that actions have consequences and if he wants to be unsociable and ruin other people’s holiday time, then he will get excluded.

What a pathetic specimen your ex is, you are well shot of him.

My son had a friend who loved with his dad, new wife and 2 children they had together. He also spent time with his mum, her new husband and their 2 subsequent offspring. The poor kid never felt like he belonged anywhere!! Both his parents had "moved on" and he was stuck between them both. I know this is a different situation to yours but it affected him so much that he caused problems at school, was a very unhappy young adult and eventually got into trouble. I think you need to talk to your ex and tell him how much it I'd affecting your son, his son. Playing hapoy families with a new wife and her kids must have a really strong affect on him, he's only 14. I divorced my ex when my kids were adults with families of their own and it still messed them up. Ask your son how he really feels, and what he would really like then talk to your ex so you can both come up with something to help. 14 is not that old plus it's a difficult age at school as well so there's lots of stuff going on for him.

If he refuses to relate to the family, then he is going to feel left out. I think, as a mother, you are preferring not to see what is actually going on. Your son has problems, instead of blaming others you need to find out what they are and help him.

I’m 100% with you on this OP. I have a 15 year old son that has autism & adhd (recently diagnosed). Myself & ex split nearly 12 years ago. We have 3 children together. He was a fantastic dad up until 8 years ago. He helped out with collections from school. Had them every Friday night until Saturday morning and then other weekend, Friday evening until Sunday evening. 8 years ago he met someone else (which he is entitled to of corse) but almost straight away the Friday evenings stopped and it was just every other weekend. He then stopped collecting the youngest (now 15 old year) from school but still went to the same school and collected the new step son. Moving forward a year or so later he went on to have another child with his new partner. Excuses came as to why he couldn’t have the children on his weekends and after a few months it stopped all together. The new partner refused to have anything to do with my daughter and this caused a huge row and he stopped talking to our daughter for 2 years. She was 13 at the time. Zero contact with her for that period. 15 year old was struggling in mainstream school so I managed to to get him a ‘medical move’ to an Alternative Provision. I tried communicating with him and getting him involved. I would forward him reports from CAMHs, keep him in the loop about stuff and try and get him to show some interest but I never once got a reply. He has no idea about my 15 year olds life. Cut a very long story short my son was involved in a very traumatic event about 6 weeks ago. Dad couldn’t come to see him because he had work the next day. He hasn’t contacted him once since it happened. Hasn’t sent me a message to ask how he is. Radio silence. My son has never got along with new partner. He said she was horrible to him and used to make comments when his dad wasn’t in the room. I can’t speak to ‘Dad’ because he becomes verbally aggressive at the drop of a hat. They recently went to Disneyland together and my son wasn’t invited. It’s so hurtful and completely unnecessary. My son is now of an age when he has made his own mind up about his dad. He said the other day ‘yea that’s nice, he can’t pay his child maintenance (£50 a week) but he go to Disneyland, drive around in a new car and take the other kids to the cinema’. Before anyone jumps on and asks how he knows he’s dad fails to pay maintenance it’s because he used to put the money in my sons account. He refused to put it in my account incase I spent it on myself 🤯. At the end of the day when you have a child whether you and the other parent are still together or not, if you have step children then all the children should be treated exactly the same way. He is your exes son. He shouldn’t be picking and choosing when he goes on holiday with them. Imagine if that was you. You went off on holiday with step children and left your son behind. He would be the first to have something to say. Unfortunately for my son he has no relationship with his dad at the moment. These kids see things that we don’t realise. Maybe he has some resentment so will act differently towards his dad. That’s on dad, not your son. You have every right to feel annoyed. I feel deeply for your son. I mean who even does that? Exclude your own child from a family holiday because it was a bit stressful. Doesn’t matter if the child lives with you or not, they are still your child. You don’t pick and choose. Hopefully your ex realises his mistakes soon because your son will no doubt do the same as mine and wash his hands of him. It’s such a shame that people are like this. I just don’t get it. Unless you have experienced it yourself and seen how it affects your child then people don’t understand. I hope your son is ok.

You need to try to get your Ex to see how unfair he is to his DS, his wife has projected her animosity she has for you to your DS which is totally unfair to your DS as he had nothing to do with the breakup etc. Your Ex needs to stand up to his wife if he wants a lasting relationship with his son.

It strikes me that your son wants to be seen and included in that group which is why he is upset when he isn’t. He is young and not able to or confident enough to express himself with other older individuals who have not shown understanding in the past. Sometimes when people want to be noticed and don’t how to achieve this in a positive way, they take themselves away and hope that people will ask them if they are ok and encourage them to join in - this is a scenario for example your child will have seen at school etc, but he isn’t getting that reaction. And so doubles down. This cycle will only break if efforts are made to either include him - properly although the step family don’t seem willing or he decides it is too painful go continue which he will find upsetting to admit. He is still so young, and dealing with rejection is very hard. Shame his Dad does not see this.

Surely if he had such a miserable time last year, he should be happy he’s not going and he gets to spend more time with you?

We had a lot of issues on holiday with DSD this year. She cried every day. Which was horrible for her and everyone else too. I think she felt overwhelmed and missed her mum etc. But she is 12 and she cried constantly eg we went for a buffet breakfast and there was lots of food she would ordinarily eat but she cried and refused to eat and said she only wanted a chocolate crepe etc. (one of many examples) would I accept this from my child. Nope. I got her a chocolate crepe after we all ate breakfast. But the stress of that half hour was horrible. I honestly don’t want to take her on holiday again and that’s a horrible thing to say because I’ve been in her life a long time and I do love her. I also don’t want to leave her out.

I book the holidays etc for our family so I’ve declined to book one for next year. So nobody is having a holiday except dsd who is going away for 2 weeks or so with her mum.

Maybe after a prolonged break I can face it again.

I don’t think they step parents can win. Dynamics are different in both houses naturally. Everything is different between how different people do things. Also with bigger families there are more people’s needs to take into account whereas dsd and her mum are a unit of two, we are a much bigger family with more opinions to take on board and nothing is ever any one individuals ideal really.

We do try and manage this as adults by talking often without dsd knowing we talk. It does help for a better experience all round.

This exactly

from what you’ve said your son won’t have a good time on the holiday, considering last years. I say you take him on holiday and have a great time!
you can’t force people to want to spend time with him. They are the ones missing out.
Go enjoy yourselves together.

Wondering if your son might find a part time job or volunteering role or hobby that takes up evening time so there becomes a 'good reason' to reduce the time spent at his dad's house without awkward conversations about loyalty/ fairness. It's more about him becoming older and having his own interests/ commitments.

An early morning paper round (if they still exist) might be a good reason to be with you for getting to work on time. Volunteering with Beavers or Cubs or doing the DofE award are all possibilities. Something musical or sporty or even a local youth club are worth a thought.

Does he have someone to talk to who isn't you? That's worth thinking about.

Also worth helping/ encouraging him to establish + keep a separate relationship with his dad's parents and maybe his aunt on that side (depending what the issues were with his cousin).

Depending on where you're living and the state of the roads, now would be a good time for him to learn about taking busses and trains independently and maybe also cycling for commuting.

My brain keeps going to ways of shaming the step mum into treating him more reasonably but that won't work / is a bad idea.

Why in earth would he want to go if it’s so awful and he wanted to come home. You need to have an honest chat with your ex, clearly other things are going on and maybe it’s not all his fault and your son needs to take some responsibility! 14 year old boys are not angels!

She sounds bonkers. Definitely some of the blame lies with her.

I dont blame the StepMum for the Dad's shitty parenting.
I do blame her for how she's acted towards a young boy in her home.

Always best to read all the Op's posts particularly when the thread is a long one. Most sincere Ops respond to questions that ask for additional context.

Read the OP's posts.

If anything, she's being over generous to the stepmum because of the view (which I agree with btw) that it is for parents not stepparents to parent and spend time with their children. That's all very well, but stepparents who choose to step back still need to maintain a friendly neutrality around their step-children or, at the very least, not be hostile to them.

The fact that caring for the boy is his father's responsibility is in no way a license for her to abuse and harass him.

@Goldbar if the OP added that, that's some dripfeeding because it wasn't in the first two pages.

I just think it's irrelevant how nice or how awful the sm is. It's the dad's responsibility to provide his son with a warm and welcoming environment. I wouldn't stay with someone who treated my children badly, yet it doesn't seem to bother him.

The dad is responsible for looking after the child, yes, but the stepmum is victimising, verbally abusing, cold-shouldering and isolating this boy.

That's not blaming her for his failings. Those are her failings.

It's one thing not to make up for the inadequacies of your partner's parenting, it's quite another to be actively unpleasant to a young boy in your house.

Haven't rtft so maybe the OP added info that puts the sm in a worse light. Maybe she isn't great. But the one who is responsible for making the son feel welcome is the dad. Ultimately, it sounds like the dad is the one who doesn't realize that he's a package deal with his son !

At the end of the day, the dad can't be arsed, unless you want to argue that sm is somehow forcing him to be this useless (yet he's staying with her and it doesn't sound like he is fighting in his son's corner, complaining about his son on the phone, etc, so again, his responsibility).

Stop blaming women for men's failings. Dad is the one with a responsibility to his son, not the stepmom. Dad is the one who should want his son to be around (doesn't sound like he does). Why on earth would it be sm's job to make it happen ?!

The stepmum is abusing your son and his father is enabling it.

Your son is a child and, while a child that age would usually be supported by a family court to make their own decisions about where to spend their time, I'm not sure that this would be the case if there is evidence of abuse.

I think you need to have it out with your ex actually. Your son should not have to safeguard himself from abuse. It's up to you as the parent to step in. Either your ex puts a stop to the belittling and criticism of your DS, makes him feel welcome and tells step mum to zip it, or you won't let your DS visit and he can take you to court. Your DS may be reluctant to take the initiative to stop the visits himself, but you can tell him that you as the adult will take responsibility and unfortunately it is not a healthy or safe environment for him to be in. So you're putting your foot down and he's not staying there for the foreseeable future.

Your son does want a relationship with his dad, he’s feeling rejected and unwanted, so is saying he doesn’t want to visit him but that’s his coping mechanism. Underneath the hurt and fear, he just wants his dad back.

I would speak to your ex and explain that your son is feeling uncertain about it all and a bit out of place. Ask if there’s anyway he can take your son somewhere fun just the two of them, even if it’s one night at a theme park.

I know your son asked you not to say anything but I think your ex needs to know how your son is feeling and it’s likely he’s not understanding due to his current wife taking over and him wanting an easy life or perhaps being too emotionally simplistic to not see why your son was the way he was on the last holiday.

Until they address the root cause of it, I don’t think going on the cruise is a good idea. Your husband needs to focus on giving your son some quality 1:1 time and attention. Lots of praise, reassurance and security in their relationship. His new family is nothing to do with it really.