Child excluded from holiday with other parent

Or he's yet another man setting himself up in a new, fresh off the shelf family without a second thought for anyone else?

He's a 14 year old child! He's not responsible for making this new family dynamic work, his father is.

So many kids put into this situation, myself included, are expected to step up and make it work while their Dad cracks on with the 'new' family.

Not only is he going this kid going through all the stuff teenagers go through, his dad is leaving him out of a holiday for behaving essentially like teenagers behave.

Also OP, give him some autonomy to deal with his Dad. If he doesn't want to go or talk him let him.

Step mum is orchestrating this with ex dh as puppet. Twats the both of them.

If your son isn’t happy with what is being posted in the group then he can leave!

My dad and his wife used to go on holiday with her children I never went every time with them and to be honest it didn’t bother me, I used to see my dad frequently as he only lived 5 minutes away and I spent a majority of my time there with him, I only used to only sleep at home

Oof what an awkward age for this to happen. I can't imagine the pain and confusion. At 14 he's very much still a child and learning about relationships. He obviously desperately wants a good, loving relationship with his dad but his dad is not handling him well at all. I think step in stop him going to his dad's and block the f'ing what's app (we all know how damaging social media images are and how they are staged) Tell his dad what's going on and that the expectation is that his dad will take steps to rebuild his relationship with his son gently. Support your son, let him know he is loved, don't minimise his feelings. He's right to be upset even if unintentionally his own internal insecurities and behaviour have contributed to the problem.

Exactly this.

Agree. Also, why is it on the mother? The child is fine and happy with her. It's for his father to "find out what his problems are and help him".

This is one the least helpful posts I've ever seen.
It's his father's new 'family' who aren't relating to him and his father is now so invested in his new 'family' he can't see what's in front of his eyes.
This poor lad has no connection to his step family, it's not even as if any of them are half siblings. The only person he has a connection to is his father and father isn't spending any one to one time with him.
Oh, or are you the father ? 🤔

Stop "encouraging" him to talk to his dad. His dad is bloody useless, and all you are doing there is twisting the knife.

Your DS is unfortunately going to have to see his father for what he is. A weak man, who has gotten himself an easy new family and can't be arsed anymore.

You and your DS, can't make him be better. Your DS is old enough now to decide whether he wants to continue bothering with his Dad. Your job is to build your DS up and support him, not encourage their relationship (or not).

Maybe his dad was a good dad before. But he isn't now. You can't make him. So help your son deal with how things are, not with how they should be.

Your son is being excluded by the new wife, she's putting her kids over him and that's why he feels excluded. Your ex isnt seeing this or if he is he isnt acting on it. Frankly your son seeing his dad is now just pain after pain and honestly she is designing it that way so he stops coming.

I hope you can take your DS on a holiday - there are some good value cruises around that you could take him on. Ask his dad for £ towards taking him on one since he missed their family holiday....

For me I think she's won for the minute and your DS should limit seeing his dad or not see him at all. Your ex is a twit for not noticing/acting. What an AH.

Your son is being excluded by the new wife, she's putting her kids over him and that's why he feels excluded. Your ex isnt seeing this or if he is he isnt acting on it. Frankly your son seeing his dad is now just pain after pain and honestly she is designing it that way so he stops coming.

I hope you can take your DS on a holiday - there are some good value cruises around that you could take him on. Ask his dad for £ towards taking him on one since he missed their family holiday....

For me I think she's won for the minute and your DS should limit seeing his dad or not see him at all. Your ex is a twit for not noticing/acting. What an AH.

Very sad situation OP. I don’t think it’s OK for him to be excluded but I also don’t think he will enjoy it jf he goes. What he actually needs is for his dad to prioritise him. If your ex shuts down any conversation about this, perhaps you can send him an email or message about what’s going on from your son’s perspective

Don't make him spend time with a bad father who doesn't care about him, feel so so sorry for your poor son.

Have an honest, non confrontational conversation with your ex - tell him everything about how your son is feeling. His father has a new family but his/your son does not feel part of this new family and why should he - this new family us his father’s choice not your son’s. Your ex needs to step up and be a father to his son and give him the 1-2-1 the boy is craving.

I haven’t read all the replies so I may be repeating someone else, but it sounds like your sons dad is in a controlling marriage.

You sound like a loving and considerate mum, OP and your son sounds hurt. However, and I say this wholly kindly, I think you should back right out of your son’s relationship with his father.
It feels like you are (inadvertently) fuelling a proxy war. It doesn’t sound like it is going to help your son’s relationship with his Dad. They have to find their own relationship.
Many teenagers go through a difficult spell with one parent - blended family or nuclear family. The temptation as a mother is to jump in and try to make it all better but you can’t and it won’t.
Your son and his father may end up repairing their relationship but it won’t happen if you endlessly point out how let down your son feels . Ought to feel.
I’d lend a sympathetic ear to your son if he complains about his dad’s family but I wouldn’t actively encourage it or ask how his time with his dad went. I’d stay completely neutral and shut it down if it goes on too long in favour of a more positive chat.
It may go against the grain but in (inadvertently) reinforcing a sense of victimhood in your son, you are doing him no favours.
Just ensure his time with you is happy and secure and as much fun as possible. Don’t overcompensate for his dad’s behaviour or for any guilt you might feel about the split and the way it happened.
It’s not unusual for teens to pick up on a parent’s disappointment with their other half and feed into it. He may also now feel he would be betraying you if he went to his dad’s house and had a good time. He may unwittingly be telling you what he thinks you want to hear to reinforce your sense of grievance on his behalf.

I’ve read your updates but not all the responses. This is heartbreaking, but you now your son can change the ex’s behaviour. It is clear the ex doesn’t want to hear it and obviously takes it out on your son if you intervene.

you son has been clear that he doesn’t want you to talk to the ex so you must respect that.

however there are things you and your son can control. Firstly archive the ‘family’ what’s app chat or mute it so he doesn’t have to see it, he doesn’t get involved anyway so clearly it is a tool for the ‘family’ to brag at what they are doing. Let him set up a separate what’s app just with his dad - if the dad doesn’t engage or say it is family or nothing, then that says even more about his character. Secondly, you need to be neutral about the ex, as it stands your comments come across as you encourage your son to go and he then feels guilt that he doesn’t want to go, but goes anyway and is miserable. Third, get your son some therapy and assertiveness training. If he doesn’t want you to stand up for him, then he needs to learn how to advocate for himself with his dad - if nothing else it will help him as he transitions to an adult and into his adult life.
I would also suggest that you help your son forge a closer relationship with Ex’s parents. This is nothing by to do with ex or the family and you don’t need to go through him to ask for permission.

your son should post whatever photos he likes on his social media, but I would suggest he unfriends or makes his posts private from ‘the family’. It is none of their business.

the ex’s new wife clearly has self esteem issues and her way to make herself feel better is to hone in on these innocuous and frankly ridiculous issues your son has inadvertently done. She reeks of cake and eat it… we will ensure things are weighted in the new families direction but gets hurt when your son does something. It almost reads a bit like Cinderella

in essence you son should manage the things he can control and try to let go of the things he can’t. Sadly his dad isn’t the person he once was.

an the Father’s Day thing - unforgivable

As a step-parent I am often the one who feels like I am not part of the family, it's shit but I think it's better than the other way around and the children feeling that way. However, unless his stepmum is actually batshit crazy Im wondering if maybe your son's perspective on things could be a bit different to theirs. I say this as a number of the points you have said have really reminded me of my 13 year old stepson, such as saying that his dad or I have been getting on at him when talking about dreading his work experience, my stepson is incredibly negative about everything, any life experience or event he will see in a negative light and it is really draining to be honest. I dont get on at him about it (although sometimes his dad does) but we do both try to encourage him to see the positive and usefulness of different experiences and try to change the negative narrative a bit.
And in relation to finding sweet wrappers in the bins, I have an issue with my stepson eating all the snacks in the house. Im talking I've bought enough snacks for school, nursery and after school for 4 kids for at least a week on Sunday night, to find them all gone by Tuesday morning. I've heard stepson complain to his gran that I dont allow him to eat snacks which just isn't true but I've asked him to just ask before taking them so I can know what's there for lunchboxes. He is very overweight and secret eats and we find loads of wrappers of things in the bin which DH talks to him about, not to give him into trouble but to try to get to the bottom of it and help him. No one is digging through bins but you open the bin and can see tons of crisp packets and cookie bags sitting there at the top and know he's eaten all that in the space of the 15minute walk home from school.

I think it definitely sounds like his dad is not making him feel loved or supported the way that he should be and it's a real shame that you don't feel like you can speak to him about this the way you once could, but I'm just saying my own experiences to show how it might not be exactly how your son says it is, not because he is lying but just because he is looking at it from a different perspective.

If I were you I would make a last attempt.to discuss with his dad, trying to keep it as amicable as possible, if that doesn't work then I would try to make sure that your son still feels a part of his dad's family by going above your ex's head and starting to reorganise those family meet ups between your son and his extended family on his dad's side if you still have a good relationship with them.

Some of the responses here are unbelievable and I haven’t even read them all. He is a child. Period. The damage being done here to his mental health is by far the worst thing. The manipulation and childishness is beyond belief. Emotional immaturity on his dad and SM’s behalf are off the charts. Your son has more maturity in his little finger. How you have described it OP is non stop mental abuse and a child is expected to just accept it and accommodate 2 ‘adults’?! I’m honestly baffled. I wouldn’t even be letting my son go there.

WhatsApp group. Why is a grown woman sending constant photos of eating in restaurants?! That’s not normal in itself. Who gives a flying F if they’re eating out, what a performance. The SM sounds unhinged and his dad should be ashamed at putting his new family before his own child’s wellbeing. Whilst you are respecting your sons wishes I think there comes a point where you do have to take charge as the only seemingly sensible parent that he has, and stop them from all treating him like a verbal punchbag. He’s a teenager at the end of the day, it’s never going to be all sunshine and rainbows is it?! Despicable behaviour from his dad and SM!

I think these are growing pains. The adults need a more hands on approach to make this work. Family counseling might be a good place to start. Maybe dad could take the two younger kids on an outing for bonding time. What do the kids have in common? Work from there. It may never work. Some natural families don’t get along. But dad should spend time with his son regardless.

Sounds like he is one of those men who just goes along what the bew wife says. It is easier to forget about the old family and concentrate on the new.

Hiw is your relationship with ex-mil? Can you talk to her and she can maybe tlan to ex, if he doesn't talk to you?

Your son is 14, dealing with adolescence and a complicated new set of relationships that sound like a minefield. He doesn’t want to feel excluded by his dad. He’s 14 for goodness sake - I would find this situation stressful and hard to navigate and I’m ancient. I think his dad needs to know how much your son feels excluded and hurt. His dad needs to give him equal / full status in the new family. It might be worth trying to talk to him. The new family mustn’t see him as a second class citizen. And yes of course 14 year olds can be a pain sometimes - withdrawn, moody, and frankly exasperating - but if this wasn’t a blended family he wouldn’t just get left at home the following year. That is not kind and sends out a really negative and hurtful message to your boy.

My goodness, your son needs to realise that he's not responsible for his Dad "getting upset", or angry etc., and just stop going. Then you can claim more CMS and take your son on more trips just the two of you.

It sounds like your son is walking on eggs shells with your Dad, whilst feeling like he's in the lions den with his awful step mother.

Your poor son, no wonder he feels so crappy, excluded, and unloved by his Dad and his shiny new family.

I hope one day soon he realises that it's ok to just stop going. Is he aware that you would be financially better off if he stopped going over there? I know that shouldn't be used to emotionally coerce him to stop going, but it sounds like he's genuinely really unhappy going and feels like he only should to stop his Dad getting angry or upset, so just wondering if he is aware that they only have him 40% of the time to avoid paying you much CMS. Perhaps I'd be making him aware of how much better off you'd be if he stopped going there and how that could enhance the quality of your lives. And before anyone jumps on me, I really don't mean this to sound manipulative, just trying to gently persuade him on how his life could genuinely be made happier, win win.

You are agreeing with me.

Tbh he’s best off not going, he’ll only be miserable & they’ll have more fuel to blame him for
id tell him he’s best off not going why put himself through more heartache