Page 13 | Child excluded from holiday with other parent

Aquestiontoponder · 2025-07-14T10:25:03+00:00

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed? I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25). I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children). He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad. Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty. His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife). Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year. I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work. He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

Pennyforyourthoughtsplease · 14/07/2025 12:07

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 14/07/2025 11:28

I think this is a bit tricky, I can see your sons point but also if there was lots of drama on holiday and he was asking to come home, then I understand why they aren’t taking him.

His Dad needs to take him away separately to make this any better.

This. He didn't even enjoy it last time so why does he want to go?

Dinosaurshoebox · 14/07/2025 12:06

Is your son meeting this relationship half way?
He stays in his room and doesn't engage.
He doesn't like the holidays.
He doesn't like staying.

There is only so much they can do before they put the ball in his court.
Families dont and shouldn't have to chase and beg.

If he wants to be engaged and an active member then he needs to participate.

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/07/2025 12:04

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:58

He wants a relationship with his dad. The reason he hasn't wanted to go is because he gets excluded and doesn't feel part of the family. They've excluded him before and only seem to do holidays and trips when he's not there.

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Privately , I think he would not enjoy a cruise if he needs a quiet space to escape to.
Cruise cabins are tiny and crowded , unlikely he'd have his own space as the costs are ££
Getting away if he feels he wants to come home would be near impossible as he'd need to offload when the ship docks .

I thinks he's dodging a bullet but yes I can see he feels hurt and excluded

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:03

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 14/07/2025 11:56

I would speak to his dad and explain to him how he is making his son feel. Not just about the cruise but about everything. He has gone from having a dad to having a whole other family - who were already family with each other - and he is expected to just fit in.

My dad did this, moved a woman in with her 2 DC and then had another 3 DC, I never felt welcome, the conversation was always about them, my SB & SS have a great relationship with my half brothers and sisters, I tried but its always been strained, i'm not one of them. We have been NC for about 15 years

I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Blended families can be so difficult. That's the thing, I do understand. I'm in another relationship and my partner has a son. We also have a DC together but I try so hard to ensure everyone is happy and included.

I completely appreciate they will do things without him there, that's just life. Ultimately though I do feel his dad needs to be spending sometime with our son and make him feel included and welcome. I feel sad that they just don't have a good relationship anymore as my ex was a good dad.

I do appreciate people's opinions that maybe my son shouldn't be invited. However, this isn't going to do much to repair the relationship and going to further reinforce that he isn't part of the family and is excluded.

OP posts:

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 12:03

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:54

Oh he told him he'd heard him but his dad responded "well it's true".

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I’d be so hurt if this was my son, and furious. I’d be worried sick about this lot taking him on holiday so he probably is better off with you. He is very young so having to deal with this rejection with the holiday/phone call/general not feeling welcome in there home is a tough thing for a child to swallow, just let him know how much you love him and maybe if you notice it getting to him some counselling? What are your ex husband’s family like, do your sons grandparents/aunties ect know how there grandchild is being treated.

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2025 12:02

But if he stayed in his room, tried to avoid them and was texting you repeatedly saying he wanted to come home, clearly repeating that is not in anyone's interests.

They've included your ds in the family WhatsApp group but he doesn't get involved. He doesn't want to go there any more.

It's hard but his dad now has a new extended family and that isn't going to change. Your ex's new wife is entitled to post about days out with her family. It's her life too.

It sounds as though your ds wants some alone time with his dad, which makes perfect sense and is understandable. Why not get him to suggest a ' boys long weekend' where he and his dad spend some quality time together. Do they have a shared interest?

Freeme31 · 14/07/2025 11:59

I think it’s up to you as his mum to tell his father how upset he is, this idiot of a man needs told and you need to defend/stick up for your son so he sees someone is fighting his corner

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:58

Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2025 11:54

This doesn’t make sense to me. Your son doesn’t even want to go to his dad’s house for the weekend but yet would want to go on a family holiday?

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He wants a relationship with his dad. The reason he hasn't wanted to go is because he gets excluded and doesn't feel part of the family. They've excluded him before and only seem to do holidays and trips when he's not there.

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DuskyPink1984 · 14/07/2025 11:57

From what you have written I think that your ex sounds like a very weak man, OP.

Ultimately, it will be his loss that he is not close to his own son. It's horrible, pathetic behaviour on his part. The holiday is one thing but how can he not notice that his son sits alone when at his house and doesn't engage with anyone? He should be taking his son out alone and simultaneously making every effort to involve him in his new family.

I would be inclined to book a lovely holiday or day out for you and your son. All you can do is be there for him.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:56

IthasYes · 14/07/2025 11:53

Right he's big on being fair to a dsd whose basically lost interest in him and doesn't have his back.

I don't think it's fair to say to your son it's a shame.

That's on dad.

I would not make anymore comments like that which may make Jim feel guilty and emotionally blackmailed.

Having him on a what's app group today then share pics of dinner out isn't inclusive.

Op remove these comments and just say whatever he wants is fine with you.

Sorry I'm confused, what comments have I made to my son to emotionally blackmail him?

OP posts:

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 14/07/2025 11:56

I would speak to his dad and explain to him how he is making his son feel. Not just about the cruise but about everything. He has gone from having a dad to having a whole other family - who were already family with each other - and he is expected to just fit in.

My dad did this, moved a woman in with her 2 DC and then had another 3 DC, I never felt welcome, the conversation was always about them, my SB & SS have a great relationship with my half brothers and sisters, I tried but its always been strained, i'm not one of them. We have been NC for about 15 years

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:55

ExpertArchFormat · 14/07/2025 11:35

If your son lives with his dad 50% of the time he should be included in 50% of the holidays his dad goes on and 50% of the holidays that you go on. If the arrangements are more "every other weekend" then it woukd be reasonable for him to go on 3/14ths of the holidays his dad goes on and 11/14ths of the holidays that you go on.

Given that the last big holiday he joined with them was upsetting and stressful for all concerned it seems perfectly reasonable for them to have a holiday without him, but if his dad is a genuinely good dad he should be putting effort into the relationship with his son to try to heal the breach

It's about 60/40 (with me a bit more) but they only have 1 family holiday booked this year.

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Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2025 11:54

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:47

My son is big on loyalty and fairness. He wouldn't want to upset his dad by not going. However he no longer wants to go and dreads it.

I have said he's old enough to make his own decisions and doesn't have to go. However I have also said that it's a real shame and he should have a conversation with his dad about how he feels.

Ultimately his dad has changed alt in the last few years. He sounds quite grumpy and short tempered and never used to be this way. He used to have a chat with me but now won't speak to me at all. Not that it's a huge issue, ultimately I don't need him to be friendly with me.

This doesn’t make sense to me. Your son doesn’t even want to go to his dad’s house for the weekend but yet would want to go on a family holiday?

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:54

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 11:51

Or his dad and step mum are complete dickheads.
Sounds to me like the new girlfriend wanted a new boyfriend to be dad to her children but wasn’t so keen on accommodating ops son and unfortunately ops ex has been weak enough to go along with it.
I’d be really pissed off too op, I’m not sure I’d even want my son going on the holiday. I’d let ex know that his son heard him talking on the phone and if his not careful his son will resent the hell out of him and it could ruin there relationship permanently.

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Oh he told him he'd heard him but his dad responded "well it's true".

OP posts:

IthasYes · 14/07/2025 11:53

Help him out of this toxic mess

outerspacepotato · 14/07/2025 11:53

Your son's behaviour around dad's new family has been an issue. He wanted to come home early from the last holiday.

I get he's the youngest in a poorly blended family due to a recent remarriage. I really get his feeling of being replaced and it sounds like he's got an accurate view of things. I think therapy would give him space to come to terms with how he feels about that.

But he's not always going to be included on his dad's vacations anymore. The last one, there were issues that caused a fight or big argument. That's going to make it even less likely for inclusion.

It would be nice if the dad could take your son on a short 1 to 1 holiday. I don't know if that's realistic or will happen, but it would help with his feelings of rejection.

This is going to be hard for him to live with but he's going to have to. That's why therapy. You can't tell him it's ok to resent his dad while he still loves him, but a therapist can have a safe space where he can express really complicated feelings and come up with ways to deal with that.

Good luck.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:53

Snorlaxo · 14/07/2025 11:47

I understand why your son feels increasingly distant from his dad and his new family but considering his last holiday, it sounds fair enough that he shouldn’t go this year. Is it more about the principle that he’d like to have been invited and a chat beforehand saying that he didn’t enjoy previous holiday so shouldn’t go on this one would have been better received?
I think that your ex should have arranged some different 1:1 time with his son though.

I’m sure that your son is as great as you say but I very year there are loads of posts on here about 12-15 ish year olds going on holiday and spoiling it by hiding in the bedroom on their phones rather than exploring etc Is it possible that your son’s behaviour was seen like that? I’m not sure why ds isn’t feeling relief to some extent ? Is it about the bigger picture of feeling increasingly distant and this being concrete proof?

My son wants a relationship with his dad though. He's desperate for it but he gets angry if he tries to talk to him.

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IthasYes · 14/07/2025 11:53

Right he's big on being fair to a dsd whose basically lost interest in him and doesn't have his back.

I don't think it's fair to say to your son it's a shame.

That's on dad.

I would not make anymore comments like that which may make Jim feel guilty and emotionally blackmailed.

Having him on a what's app group today then share pics of dinner out isn't inclusive.

Op remove these comments and just say whatever he wants is fine with you.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:52

Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2025 11:47

Even here though to play devil’s advocate, how could they win?

He’s included in the group chat, but he doesn’t contribute anything to it.

If he wasn’t in the group chat he would feel excluded, but now that he is in it he feels excluded because they do things without him- he isn’t there 24/7 so there will be things done without him.

It does sound like there are issues for his dad to address but as far as this holiday goes your son doesn’t speak to them when they are in the same house here, why would anyone involved think going away together would be a good idea?

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He's 14, he just doesn't really use WhatsApp. I don't think he enjoys seeing pictures that the step mum plasters all over it showing his dad with her children. They don't do anything when he's with them for the weekend but when he's not there, he gets to see pictures of his dad on days out with her children. Of course I appreciate they will do things without my son but it definitely feels they are rubbing it in his face.

Furthermore, a few months ago my son's nan (husbands mum) took him for some dinner after school (she collected him from school). She sent a picture of my son having his meal in the family WhatsApp group. 2 hours later step mum posts a pic to the family group of his dad and her son in a fancy restaurant having food!

OP posts:

Bikergran · 14/07/2025 11:52

Last year they hated it and your son hated it, so why would anyone want to repeat the experience? Could your son and his dad do a short break for just the two of them? Can you talk to your ex about it?

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 11:51

Motomum23 · 14/07/2025 11:32

Well your son is obviously doing something to be overheard being complained about being hard work.

Or his dad and step mum are complete dickheads.
Sounds to me like the new girlfriend wanted a new boyfriend to be dad to her children but wasn’t so keen on accommodating ops son and unfortunately ops ex has been weak enough to go along with it.
I’d be really pissed off too op, I’m not sure I’d even want my son going on the holiday. I’d let ex know that his son heard him talking on the phone and if his not careful his son will resent the hell out of him and it could ruin there relationship permanently.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:47

My son is big on loyalty and fairness. He wouldn't want to upset his dad by not going. However he no longer wants to go and dreads it.

I have said he's old enough to make his own decisions and doesn't have to go. However I have also said that it's a real shame and he should have a conversation with his dad about how he feels.

Ultimately his dad has changed alt in the last few years. He sounds quite grumpy and short tempered and never used to be this way. He used to have a chat with me but now won't speak to me at all. Not that it's a huge issue, ultimately I don't need him to be friendly with me.

OP posts:

Snorlaxo · 14/07/2025 11:47

I understand why your son feels increasingly distant from his dad and his new family but considering his last holiday, it sounds fair enough that he shouldn’t go this year. Is it more about the principle that he’d like to have been invited and a chat beforehand saying that he didn’t enjoy previous holiday so shouldn’t go on this one would have been better received?
I think that your ex should have arranged some different 1:1 time with his son though.

I’m sure that your son is as great as you say but I very year there are loads of posts on here about 12-15 ish year olds going on holiday and spoiling it by hiding in the bedroom on their phones rather than exploring etc Is it possible that your son’s behaviour was seen like that? I’m not sure why ds isn’t feeling relief to some extent ? Is it about the bigger picture of feeling increasingly distant and this being concrete proof?

Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2025 11:47

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:42

The issue is that the reason they had issues on the last holiday was due to the fact my son feels excluded from the family.
He's said he feels uncomfortable with them all. For instance they have a family WhatsApp group and when my son didn't really engage in it (doesn't hugely use it) they started complaining and stating he doesn't want to be part of the family.

Another example; his stepmum posts lots of photos on the family group of them out together for meals and days out when he's not there.

Also, I've just remembered that they also went on holiday without him 2 years ago. They didn't tell him they were going and he saw the pictures that step mum put on Facebook.

I just see how excluded he feels and ultimately his relationship with his dad has hugely suffered and it's a real shame.

Even here though to play devil’s advocate, how could they win?

He’s included in the group chat, but he doesn’t contribute anything to it.

If he wasn’t in the group chat he would feel excluded, but now that he is in it he feels excluded because they do things without him- he isn’t there 24/7 so there will be things done without him.

It does sound like there are issues for his dad to address but as far as this holiday goes your son doesn’t speak to them when they are in the same house here, why would anyone involved think going away together would be a good idea?