Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child excluded from holiday with other parent

342 replies

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:25

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed?
I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25).

I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children).

He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad.

Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty.
His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife).

Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year.

I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work.

He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

OP posts:
dogcatkitten · 14/07/2025 12:33

Your son can't cope being the spare wheel with his dad the new wife and her kids. I would remind him how bad it got last time, it's not nice being left out, but it might be much worse to go, he would have a miserable time. Your ex needs to arrange some nice things to do with his son away from his new family who are not accepting of him. Talk to your ex!

Swan6 · 14/07/2025 12:33

Unfortunately that is step families for you
The man remarries to get someone to do the wife work and deal with his bio kids when they visit
The man's stepkids aren't his responsibility and he assumes the step mum deals with his bio kids .
The step mum doesn't give a shiney shit about the dads kid and so the situation you describe happens.
Dad turns a bind eye to bio kids feeling left out as he wants an easy life.
It's how it is instep families
All basically boils down to useless feckless fathers wanting an easy life

2024onwardsandup · 14/07/2025 12:32

That’s awful - but not much you can do. Try to have a word with his dad - but at the end of the day sounds like they e been bullying and excluding him and they’ve got what they want. Anyone would respond if they were being excluded like that.

make him feel as loved and special as possible and make it clear it’s not him

MounjaroMounjaro · 14/07/2025 12:30

I think you need a face to face conversation with your XH where you tell him he's at risk of losing his relationship with his son. I know you say you and he don't talk - and I imagine his partner would hate you to talk - but you need to try to do this for your son's sake.

Goldbar · 14/07/2025 12:30

I would support your son to take back some control and start setting his own boundaries.

First, how much time does he want to spend at his dad's house? Let him know that it is very common as children get older that they want to spend more time in one house, which they regard as their main home, and that very few adults would be happy moving constantly between two households. So it may be time for the 60/40 split to be reconsidered if it's making him unhappy and anxious.

Second, what sort of relationship does he want with his dad and would taking a huge step backwards improve things? It sounds like there is some stress in the family set-up when he is there (although I'm not suggesting it is his fault at all, ultimately it's up to the adults to improve the dynamic). So temporarily removing that stress might make your son less anxious and pave the way for a better relationship with his father. Sometimes giving each other some space can be a good thing.

Third, absolutely reinforce to him that it is not the role of children to run after their parents and try to please them all the time. It is for parents to support and nurture their children. Some parents are less capable than others of doing this, and it might be that his dad falls into that category. It is ultimately useless and dispiriting to expect more from people than they are able or willing to give, so it may be beneficial to him in the long-run to accept that he's probably not going to have the sort of relationship with his dad that he would like to have, but that's not his fault in any way. The fault lies with his father.

Finteq · 14/07/2025 12:30

Some of you should hear yourselves making excuses.

A grown man would rather go on a holiday with 3 kids that aren't his own than his only son.

What a useless excuse for a human being.

GentlemanJay · 14/07/2025 12:27

Sounds like your ex is trying to avoid the disastrous holiday of last year happening again. Rightly or wrongly. A holiday isn’t the time to be fixing their relationship. They’ve had a year to improve it.

Hecatoncheires · 14/07/2025 12:26

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

Could not agree more with this! The boy is 14 years old, of course he's going to feel a bit overwhelmed with his dad, stepmum and her 3 kids. He's outnumbered, for goodness sake!

@Aquestiontoponder It absolutely is a failing on his dad's part that he's not working to ensure that your son feels more comfortable and included. He needs to understand that your son is a person with his own likes/dislikes, who doesn't need to engage with the family Watsapp group to be a valuable member of the family. I fully understand that 14-year olds can be grumpy/puzzling wee pooheads at times (I have a DD17) but it sounds very like your ex is using that as a blanket excuse to not step up and advocate for his boy. This is not the hallmark of a good parent. I'm very sorry indeed that your son is experiencing this hurtful situation and can imagine that it is very stressful for you too.

Christwosheds · 14/07/2025 12:25

MoveOverToTheSea · 14/07/2025 12:17

So your youngest child who lives with you is a pain last holiday so …. you dint take him this year.
Is that the way you function in your own family?
You INVITE your 14yo to spend a hol with you and the rest of the family. It’s not a given?

Not my way of doing things.

Show quote history

Exactly this !

MellowPinkDeer · 14/07/2025 12:25

It doesn’t sound like your son behaves in a great way around them, or participates but now he’s cross he’s not invited ? ( after hating the last holiday? )

it seems to me like hes ( and or you are ) bothered about the principle of it rather than actually wanting to go on a family holiday, this isn’t the right reason to make a fuss.

if he wants to be part of the family then he needs to put the work in too. He isn’t a baby anymore and he should be taking responsibility for his actions / behaviours.

sorry, I’m sure that’s not want you wanted to hear .

Mydoglovescheese · 14/07/2025 12:24

My DGC didn’t get on with their stepmother so holidays with the blended family were a no-go. Their dad takes just them away for a couple of weekends each year to do activities they enjoy. Perhaps this could be a way forward?

Christwosheds · 14/07/2025 12:23

I feel really sorry for your son. Your ex is being a terrible father, he should be making an effort with his son, and showing him that he is loved, not moaning about him in comparison to his step children. It is really upsetting reading this.
I have teenagers, of course sometimes they can be hard work, but your son sounds sad and withdrawn when with his Dad, not a stroppy nightmare. Anyway even if he had been a pain last year (which seems not the case) he was 13, who on earth doesn’t take their own child on holiday this year because last year they were tricky ? I can’t imagine ever holding a grudge against a child for that length of time, it’s so cruel. Most parents understand that it’s hard being a teenager, and it’s really hard being the child adjusting to a new step family set up, and they cut that child some slack.
Honestly your ex sounds bloody awful.

Livpool · 14/07/2025 12:23

Dinosaurshoebox · 14/07/2025 12:06

Is your son meeting this relationship half way?
He stays in his room and doesn't engage.
He doesn't like the holidays.
He doesn't like staying.

There is only so much they can do before they put the ball in his court.
Families dont and shouldn't have to chase and beg.

If he wants to be engaged and an active member then he needs to participate.

He is a child though - why isn’t his own father engaging with him more? It shouldn’t be on the child to step up with their own father

bridgetreilly · 14/07/2025 12:23

It’s really hard, but the reality for children in this situation is that they can’t be part of everything all the time. Remind your son that he didn’t enjoy it last time, and so it’s probably better that he doesn’t go this time, especially on a cruise where he really will be stuck there if something goes wrong.

MoveOverToTheSea · 14/07/2025 12:21

@Aquestiontoponder im afraid your ex is NOT a great dad anymore if he can’t see it’s essential for him to spend time with his own child 1-1.

He isn’t a great dad if he isn’t able to step back and see where the issues are coming from (eg blaming him and only him about the stress of last year hols when one if the cousins had the be escorted out. Not realising his ds feels pushed out etc….)

Your ds is also at an age where he can decide not to see his dad if he feels so bad about it.

Original poster
Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:19

CuriousKangaroo · 14/07/2025 12:13

I think the focus of your ire should be your ex, not his new wife. She might be a bit of a dick but your ex should shoulder all the blame for the deteriorating relationship with his son. A good father would not allow a new relationship/marriage to come between his relationship with his son.

I would consider a call or an email to the ex setting out how your son is feeling, because if he doesn’t know (though he should) he needs to be told. Avoid any criticism of the new wife or it will be put down to jealousy. How he then behaves is up to him but you will have tried and all you can then do is make sure you make your son feel loved and comforted.

It’s all a bit shit though. Your ex is an arse and a bad father for letting it get to this stage.

I totally agree. Whilst I think the change is down to her, it is 100% his responsibility to ensure our child is included.

I have tried to have a conversation but he gets angry and defensive. My son has begged me not to say anything because the last time I did, he got angry with him for talking to me and then apparently got really upset that he doesn't feel part of the family.

I've zero jealousy regarding the wife. I chose to leave the marriage and have moved on, my ex was a fantastic partner and husband and I honestly wish him nothing but the best.

The only thing I will say is that 6 months after he and I split up, I asked if he wanted to try again (it was a big mistake, I was lonely, Xmas etc). Anyway, I don't realise at the time he had started seeing his now wife. He ended the relationship with her to give it another go with me. When that didn't go to plan, he literally got back with her within half an hour! She's never liked me but I suppose I can see why.

OP posts:
MoveOverToTheSea · 14/07/2025 12:17

Beamur · 14/07/2025 11:39

Given the last holiday/general relationship with the step family I can see why they haven't invited him.
But, Dad should be stepping up to spend some holidays with him 1:1

So your youngest child who lives with you is a pain last holiday so …. you dint take him this year.
Is that the way you function in your own family?
You INVITE your 14yo to spend a hol with you and the rest of the family. It’s not a given?

Not my way of doing things.

IthasYes · 14/07/2025 12:15

It's extremely understandable he doesn't want to be involved in the family chat or go there

Op you may not realise it but saying things to him ile

Like can you talk to your dad it's ashame and if you don't want to go it's a shame he was a cold dad etc are putting too much emotional pressure on him

He's not a good dad he sounds bloody awful and he's letting his new wife set the tone here

I agree you should be speaking to your ex about this and before ask your sin if he wants to visit at all. It sound it sounds extremely damaging to me and if he says no dont say oh that'd always shame just back him up

CuriousKangaroo · 14/07/2025 12:13

I think the focus of your ire should be your ex, not his new wife. She might be a bit of a dick but your ex should shoulder all the blame for the deteriorating relationship with his son. A good father would not allow a new relationship/marriage to come between his relationship with his son.

I would consider a call or an email to the ex setting out how your son is feeling, because if he doesn’t know (though he should) he needs to be told. Avoid any criticism of the new wife or it will be put down to jealousy. How he then behaves is up to him but you will have tried and all you can then do is make sure you make your son feel loved and comforted.

It’s all a bit shit though. Your ex is an arse and a bad father for letting it get to this stage.

Original poster
Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:13

SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 12:03

I’d be so hurt if this was my son, and furious. I’d be worried sick about this lot taking him on holiday so he probably is better off with you. He is very young so having to deal with this rejection with the holiday/phone call/general not feeling welcome in there home is a tough thing for a child to swallow, just let him know how much you love him and maybe if you notice it getting to him some counselling? What are your ex husband’s family like, do your sons grandparents/aunties ect know how there grandchild is being treated.

Show quote history

I feel hurt on his behalf, largely because I don't think his relationship with his father will ever be the same again.

My son and I have a fantastic relationship and I take him away each year for a few nights on a European break, just the 2 of us; so he will have that to look forward to.

His family are really good. I get on well with the ex in-laws but I don't get into conversations about my son's dad.

OP posts:
SharkBaitOooHaha · 14/07/2025 12:12

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2025 12:02

But if he stayed in his room, tried to avoid them and was texting you repeatedly saying he wanted to come home, clearly repeating that is not in anyone's interests.

They've included your ds in the family WhatsApp group but he doesn't get involved. He doesn't want to go there any more.

It's hard but his dad now has a new extended family and that isn't going to change. Your ex's new wife is entitled to post about days out with her family. It's her life too.

It sounds as though your ds wants some alone time with his dad, which makes perfect sense and is understandable. Why not get him to suggest a ' boys long weekend' where he and his dad spend some quality time together. Do they have a shared interest?

It shouldn’t be the child in this situation, a child who has heard his own dad slagging him off on the phone and when queried by his child was told.. It’s true, you are horrible!

cadburyegg · 14/07/2025 12:12

Dinosaurshoebox · 14/07/2025 12:06

Is your son meeting this relationship half way?
He stays in his room and doesn't engage.
He doesn't like the holidays.
He doesn't like staying.

There is only so much they can do before they put the ball in his court.
Families dont and shouldn't have to chase and beg.

If he wants to be engaged and an active member then he needs to participate.

What bs this is. The dad absolutely should be “chasing” the relationship with his child. This is his 14 year old son we are talking about, not an old friend that should “meet him half way”.

Original poster
Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:10

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

This is how I feel. Our son is a child. He is the adult.

I also forgot to state that when at their house they watch films together and don't tell him. Also, when they were on holiday last year, he said his dad would go out without him and he didn't even know where he had gone.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 14/07/2025 12:10

lunar1 · 14/07/2025 12:05

on Mumsnet, the child is always expected to be a better person that the parent and step parent.

it’s down to his dad to make sure he still feels included and welcome, it’s his dads job to talk about last year and how they can do better, and it’s his dads job to reassure his child that he is 100% his son and part of the family no matter what.

step children aren’t an optional extra, only to be part of the family when they put up and shut up.

I totally agree with this. He’s still a kid!!

Original poster
Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:08

Meadowfinch · 14/07/2025 12:02

But if he stayed in his room, tried to avoid them and was texting you repeatedly saying he wanted to come home, clearly repeating that is not in anyone's interests.

They've included your ds in the family WhatsApp group but he doesn't get involved. He doesn't want to go there any more.

It's hard but his dad now has a new extended family and that isn't going to change. Your ex's new wife is entitled to post about days out with her family. It's her life too.

It sounds as though your ds wants some alone time with his dad, which makes perfect sense and is understandable. Why not get him to suggest a ' boys long weekend' where he and his dad spend some quality time together. Do they have a shared interest?

Surely though as the adult, his dad should actually be making an effort.

It's a cycle. He doesn't want to engage in a "family" chat that has pictures plastered in it of days out he's not invited to (they don't do anything nice when he's with them). It was also last year they were complaining of this. He was 13. He doesn't really use WhatsApp, he doesn't use our family WhatsApp that much either, it's very sporadic. His dad's wife also goes through my son's Facebook page and asked his dad to question him on why he had more photos from holiday with me than there holiday (he'd had his phone taken!).

And I'm sorry but I don't agree with telling him they are having a family father's day meal with his wife and step children but doing it after his biological son leaves.

OP posts: