Page 11 | Child excluded from holiday with other parent

Aquestiontoponder · 2025-07-14T10:25:03+00:00

Hi all. I just want to gauge if I am unreasonable for being annoyed? I have a 14 year old with my ex husband, We've been separated 10 years and he remarried last year. His wife has 3 children (15, 19, 25). I have just found out they are going on a cruise next month and have told my son he's not invited! It'll just be my ex husband, wife and her 3 children (I appreciate 2 are not classed as children). He feels really upset and excluded. There have been issues for a while where he feels excluded from what he sees as "their" family. My son says when he goes there he stays in his room and avoids contact with anyone. He doesn't really have a relationship with stepmum as he perceives she causes issues with his dad. Last year they went on a big family holiday and there were some issues. Largely stemming from the fact he doesn't feel part of the family and they are always "on at him". My son ended up trying to avoid them and it caused a huge falling out. He was messaging me daily saying he wanted to come home. To make it clear; I was encouraging him to speak with his dad about how he felt and advised to try and keep the peace. Once back my son heard his dad on a work call saying he was stressed after holiday and it was nothing to do with his step children because they are lovely, it is is biological son who is horrible. Obviously this upset my son further and he hasn't really wanted to go to his dad's. It's at the stage he dreads going but goes out of loyalty. His dad has always been a good dad and has very regular contact, however he has changed over the last few years. He doesn't really speak to me anymore (since he moved in with now wife). Anyway, they have basically told him they're off on a cruise next month and due to the stress of last year's holiday, he shouldn't go. They are going to leave it for this year and then he can go away with them next year. I also want to add that my son is genuinely a lovely, kind and caring child. He's considerate and honestly the best company, so he's not rude or hard work. He's upset and I'm not happy but my son doesn't want me to say anything. He already feels pushed out and this is making things worse.

KaitlynnFairchild · 14/07/2025 13:02

I think they are stuck in a bit of a rut, your son being a child sounds like he is going out of his way to exclude himself (sitting in his room alone avoiding everyone) He is immature, of course he is, he's a child, he doesn't know how to handle these feelings in a productive way so he is just sulking - well they don't want me around so I will just stay out of the way.

This results in a catch-22 the step family see him as difficult and that he doesn't want to be there so they exclude him.

That reinforces your sons view that he isn't wanted. All he wants is his Dad to include him and he doesn't know how to communicate that. He shouldn't have to of course, his dad is an adult and should have his sons needs front and centre.

Your son should not have to fix this, however you have no control over the others so maybe you could suggest to him that he really tries to get involved, be around, include himself when at dads. They will include him more if he seems like he wants to be there.

Separately you could suggest to dad that they have some 1 - 1 time and remind him that your son is still only a child who loves his dad.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/07/2025 13:00

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:55

I agree it's a tricky age and he's hit puberty but honestly I have no issues with him at home. He's lovely. He got up this morning, made his bed and made me a cup of tea for when I came down.

He also loves doing things and going out. When we go away he loves traveling and seeing new places and wouldn't sit on his phone (unless we are in the hotel during the evening). He's great to go away with...from my perspective 🤣

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Yes, I feel the same way about my two, but holidays are centred around things I know they’ll enjoy, they’re great company and we have fun travelling - but they are still puberty struck teenagers so it’s not always plain sailing. I just think as a society we’re loosing the give and take that is part of all relationships. Yes it might be an easier, nicer holiday without your DS, but they’ll also miss the part of him that is funny, good company and lovely, need to take the rough with the smooth.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 13:00

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 14/07/2025 12:54

I would personally change the set up. Your son doesn't feel wanted going to stay at his dad's. Instead staying the night, could he arrange to meet his dad outside of the house to spend 1:1 time with each other, then return to your house in the evening? Or sometimes stay the night at his grandparents and the dad comes over.

That way he is still having a relationship with his father without the step family.

I think it would be a good suggestion but he would refuse. He wants him there in the evenings. Annoyingly there are times when he won't h.be home from work until 9pm and he still won't allow our son to stay with me. So he ends up going to a house he doesn't feel comfortable in, without his dad there. He says stepmum doesn't even look at him, let alone talk to him.

OP posts:

Confused118 · 14/07/2025 12:58

As many posters have said this seems to be centred around the Dad and what he's willing to do to help, sadly it may be that he views his child as the issue and not him.

It's wouldn't take much for him to organise a holiday with his son, it wouldn't take much for him to have understood how hurtful that he has a fathers day dinner once your son had left when he could have placated him with a separate nice meal or experience for the 2 of them, neither would it take much to explain to his new wife that he has to be a father sometimes however difficult his child might be.

I don't for a second think your ex is always the bad guy and your son is an angel but if communication is mostly body language then what a sad thing your ex has just said to your child.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:58

Also I forgot to add...

Last week they told DS that next year they are all going on a family holiday together (my son included).
DS told me that he had had a conversation with his dad and some things had been resolved.

Then a few days later he tells him he's not invited on this year's holiday.

To me it makes no sense.

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/07/2025 12:57

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 11:52

He's 14, he just doesn't really use WhatsApp. I don't think he enjoys seeing pictures that the step mum plasters all over it showing his dad with her children. They don't do anything when he's with them for the weekend but when he's not there, he gets to see pictures of his dad on days out with her children. Of course I appreciate they will do things without my son but it definitely feels they are rubbing it in his face.

Furthermore, a few months ago my son's nan (husbands mum) took him for some dinner after school (she collected him from school). She sent a picture of my son having his meal in the family WhatsApp group. 2 hours later step mum posts a pic to the family group of his dad and her son in a fancy restaurant having food!

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I don't think being on that Whats App group is helping your son at all.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/07/2025 12:56

His dad is very much about treating the children equally.

Except when it comes to holidays though.

MellowPinkDeer · 14/07/2025 12:55

@Aquestiontoponderare you taking your son on holiday?

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:55

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/07/2025 12:41

Fourteen is a tricky age on holiday regardless of anything else. Out of routine, no structure and naturally pulling away from
parents, add in moody hormones. Your ex should understand the developmental stage your son is at and find ways to engage him, while accepting he’ll also want his own space.

My DD14 can be a pain in the arse on holiday - and I’ve wondered why I spent so much money taking her somewhere for her to sit on her phone. But she’s mine, and I love her company and I know this time will pass in the blink of an eye. Soon enough she’ll be off in her own, and I want a relationship with her. Your DH needs to recognise that relationships are tricky and need work - not dropping his son when it’s hard and he has a shiny new family to play with.

I agree it's a tricky age and he's hit puberty but honestly I have no issues with him at home. He's lovely. He got up this morning, made his bed and made me a cup of tea for when I came down.

He also loves doing things and going out. When we go away he loves traveling and seeing new places and wouldn't sit on his phone (unless we are in the hotel during the evening). He's great to go away with...from my perspective 🤣

OP posts:

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 14/07/2025 12:54

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:03

I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Blended families can be so difficult. That's the thing, I do understand. I'm in another relationship and my partner has a son. We also have a DC together but I try so hard to ensure everyone is happy and included.

I completely appreciate they will do things without him there, that's just life. Ultimately though I do feel his dad needs to be spending sometime with our son and make him feel included and welcome. I feel sad that they just don't have a good relationship anymore as my ex was a good dad.

I do appreciate people's opinions that maybe my son shouldn't be invited. However, this isn't going to do much to repair the relationship and going to further reinforce that he isn't part of the family and is excluded.

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Your son should very much be invited, this is a their problem not his

My stepdad is my world, he never excluded me from anything and has been more of a dad and grandad than my real father - in fact, that was the last straw with my father, the last time we spoke he made a flippant comment about how he never liked my stepdad - after all he had done for me (brought me up from being a toddler, i wanted for nothing, my mum and dad had split up a long time before she met him), after that I just thought I am done, I don't need this toxic man in my life anymore - and I've never regretted it

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 14/07/2025 12:54

I would personally change the set up. Your son doesn't feel wanted going to stay at his dad's. Instead staying the night, could he arrange to meet his dad outside of the house to spend 1:1 time with each other, then return to your house in the evening? Or sometimes stay the night at his grandparents and the dad comes over.

That way he is still having a relationship with his father without the step family.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:52

Goldbar · 14/07/2025 12:30

I would support your son to take back some control and start setting his own boundaries.

First, how much time does he want to spend at his dad's house? Let him know that it is very common as children get older that they want to spend more time in one house, which they regard as their main home, and that very few adults would be happy moving constantly between two households. So it may be time for the 60/40 split to be reconsidered if it's making him unhappy and anxious.

Second, what sort of relationship does he want with his dad and would taking a huge step backwards improve things? It sounds like there is some stress in the family set-up when he is there (although I'm not suggesting it is his fault at all, ultimately it's up to the adults to improve the dynamic). So temporarily removing that stress might make your son less anxious and pave the way for a better relationship with his father. Sometimes giving each other some space can be a good thing.

Third, absolutely reinforce to him that it is not the role of children to run after their parents and try to please them all the time. It is for parents to support and nurture their children. Some parents are less capable than others of doing this, and it might be that his dad falls into that category. It is ultimately useless and dispiriting to expect more from people than they are able or willing to give, so it may be beneficial to him in the long-run to accept that he's probably not going to have the sort of relationship with his dad that he would like to have, but that's not his fault in any way. The fault lies with his father.

Thank you for this post, it is really useful.

My son is definitely finding it harder going between two households and would rather stay here. However he wouldn't want to see his dad less as he feels bad. Plus his dad is not happy with him missing a day.

He loves his dad and wants a relationship with him. I think he'd just like to occasionally have some one on one time. I do appreciate that isn't always possible due to a new family dynamic, however 2 of the step children are adults.

His dad is very much about treating the children equally. So the SC get the same at Xmas etc (fair enough) but I also think he's gone too far with it. For instance, my son goes to his nans sometimes after school and she occasionally gives him some snacks. He wasn't allowed to take the snacks home unless he shared them with the step kids (even though 2 are adults). His nan once text the family group and said she'd get a McDonald's for my son on the way home and his dad said no, not unless she was bringing one for her other 3 children. Which I would understand if they were actually children.

Obviously I know teenagers are not perfect but it's an adults job to be the bugger person.

OP posts:

Bufftailed · 14/07/2025 12:49

My experience of my own family and seeing many others is dads put their partner first (child has to fit in, new woman often makes the rules), and mums put their kids first. Obviously there are exceptions but more often than not this is how it goes.

cadburyegg · 14/07/2025 12:48

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/07/2025 12:41

Fourteen is a tricky age on holiday regardless of anything else. Out of routine, no structure and naturally pulling away from
parents, add in moody hormones. Your ex should understand the developmental stage your son is at and find ways to engage him, while accepting he’ll also want his own space.

My DD14 can be a pain in the arse on holiday - and I’ve wondered why I spent so much money taking her somewhere for her to sit on her phone. But she’s mine, and I love her company and I know this time will pass in the blink of an eye. Soon enough she’ll be off in her own, and I want a relationship with her. Your DH needs to recognise that relationships are tricky and need work - not dropping his son when it’s hard and he has a shiny new family to play with.

excellent post.

I remember being a PITA on holiday when I was that age. I would always look forward to going but the reality was that while I was there I had FOMO with what my friends were doing and there wasn’t much to do. I’d still have been devastated though if my parents excluded me the following year!

grumpyoldeyeore · 14/07/2025 12:46

Would your son consider counselling. It might be good for him to have an independent person to talk to. Sometimes there is support at school he could access. And yes he can change contact if that’s what he wants.

Your ex isn’t a good dad he’s harming his child’s self esteem. I would suggest to your ex he spend time with your son without his blended family as your son wants a relationship with him. But the rest is up to your ex.

My ex is the same he does take dc away but only once a year on a cheap weekend doing exH hobby he doesn’t include them on his expensive holidays or anything that dc would choose for themselves.

mondaytosunday · 14/07/2025 12:45

When my DH got divorced it ironically improved his relationship with his kids no end. They were 10 and 12 and they no longer had their mother as a buffer - who was always there and who ran their lives. Suddenly my DH had them on his own for weekends. He had to come up with activities. He took them on holiday each year - just the three of them. It was terrific for them all.
When i entered the picture I had no kids and we married and had two. The eldest of his children moved in with us, but declined to go on holiday with us (not really fun with a baby and toddler), but the younger one did. Not sure how much he enjoyed it though!
It has been suggested several times that your ex take his done on a few weekend just the two of them. Could you put that to your ex? Your son doesn’t want to be an add on to his dads new family, he wants his father to pay attention to him.

Bufftailed · 14/07/2025 12:43

It’s a really crap thing to do. Would they do if it both parents to him, no. I would express your feelings to your ex. My ex is getting annoyed at my DS for not going round there so is responding by being in a mood whenever he does go. One way or another a lot of dad’s just seem to be rubbish at actually resolvíng things. Excluding him is v poor and will damage their relationship.

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:43

MoveOverToTheSea · 14/07/2025 12:17

So your youngest child who lives with you is a pain last holiday so …. you dint take him this year.
Is that the way you function in your own family?
You INVITE your 14yo to spend a hol with you and the rest of the family. It’s not a given?

Not my way of doing things.

Show quote history

Exactly! Even if children are a nuisance, you don't just exclude them. If absolutely understandable if he was horrible/nasty but he really isn't. I spoke with my ex in laws and they confirmed this.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/07/2025 12:41

Fourteen is a tricky age on holiday regardless of anything else. Out of routine, no structure and naturally pulling away from
parents, add in moody hormones. Your ex should understand the developmental stage your son is at and find ways to engage him, while accepting he’ll also want his own space.

My DD14 can be a pain in the arse on holiday - and I’ve wondered why I spent so much money taking her somewhere for her to sit on her phone. But she’s mine, and I love her company and I know this time will pass in the blink of an eye. Soon enough she’ll be off in her own, and I want a relationship with her. Your DH needs to recognise that relationships are tricky and need work - not dropping his son when it’s hard and he has a shiny new family to play with.

SpryCat · 14/07/2025 12:41

No teenager is going to go on WhatsApp and put heart emojis on pics, push himself to join in with conversations, that don’t include him in.
Step mum’s 3 children all respond on WhatsApp because it’s their family chat, if your ex started posting in there, having a laugh with his son, nobody else would comment, because it’s not about them.
His father is punishing him for being a typical teenager, his dad needs to make the effort to make his son welcome, to include him in conversation and make a fuss of him.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you son x

Original poster

Aquestiontoponder · 14/07/2025 12:41

Doggydoctor · 14/07/2025 12:37

OP was the trouble with fighting & security on last holiday with his dad got anything to do with your son?

No, nothing to do with my son. I only mentioned it to highlight that there was a lot of stress on the holiday but it was the other side of the family.

OP posts:

PaterPower · 14/07/2025 12:37

Sounds a bit like my stepkids’ Dad. His second wife has kids who’ve been seen as top of the pecking order from the start. The difference in treatment is stark and, although their Dad would claim differently, his relationship with his DC is dictated directly (and indirectly) by what his wife wants / feels - or sometimes by what he thinks her opinion would be.

It’s very sad to see how much their relationship has deteriorated as a consequence, but it would be entirely in his power to change.

Doggydoctor · 14/07/2025 12:37

OP was the trouble with fighting & security on last holiday with his dad got anything to do with your son?

cupfinalchaos · 14/07/2025 12:34

arethereanyleftatall · 14/07/2025 11:39

but why would he want to go? He hated it last year.

He probably doesn’t.. but not a great feeling to be excluded by his dad.

Lafufufu · 14/07/2025 12:33

Goldbar · 14/07/2025 12:30

I would support your son to take back some control and start setting his own boundaries.

First, how much time does he want to spend at his dad's house? Let him know that it is very common as children get older that they want to spend more time in one house, which they regard as their main home, and that very few adults would be happy moving constantly between two households. So it may be time for the 60/40 split to be reconsidered if it's making him unhappy and anxious.

Second, what sort of relationship does he want with his dad and would taking a huge step backwards improve things? It sounds like there is some stress in the family set-up when he is there (although I'm not suggesting it is his fault at all, ultimately it's up to the adults to improve the dynamic). So temporarily removing that stress might make your son less anxious and pave the way for a better relationship with his father. Sometimes giving each other some space can be a good thing.

Third, absolutely reinforce to him that it is not the role of children to run after their parents and try to please them all the time. It is for parents to support and nurture their children. Some parents are less capable than others of doing this, and it might be that his dad falls into that category. It is ultimately useless and dispiriting to expect more from people than they are able or willing to give, so it may be beneficial to him in the long-run to accept that he's probably not going to have the sort of relationship with his dad that he would like to have, but that's not his fault in any way. The fault lies with his father.

Could not agree more with this

Separately your poor DS 😔