Me and DH aren't on good terms at the moment. Basically I am a 3 month pp mum of 2. One being a demanding toddler the other being an overly clingy baby. I am a sahm to both so he can see his new business up and coming. Lately I've just been feeling so swept under the rug. Like none of my needs are prioritised or matter. I get being a mum means putting your kids first but I had a c section and breast infection post surgery whilst ebf a baby who is (currently) cluster feeding. I would like at times, for my DH to consider me more and just ask how I'm doing. It's so bad that on days he is working I can't shower/eat until late into the day because baby just won't nap or be put down.
Anyways, yesterday, I asked for one simple thing. Something that would be a pick me up. Think a drink from Starbucks. I am exhausted from being up with newborn and bfing through this cluster feed phase. Dh dragged his feet, kids got to bed late and then surprise surprise it was too late to go. I got extremely fed up because to me it just feels like the icing on the cake to not ever being considered. I'm tired of never being able to get have breakfast or shower or brush my hair or put on makeup.
I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense? Last night I went to bed after the last straw for me and DH followed. DH is a massive non talker and hates communicating. Predictably, rather than just asking if I'm okay, he made a few remarks about how I was being unfair to him so I told him to give me space.
This morning he has woken up and wanted to "talk". Again all very predictable, on DH's terms and conditions. I said I'm past that point as I went to bed mad and he knows I hate this. I'd much rather communicate in the moment. He blamed me for saying I needed space as to why he didn't communicate (even though it felt like he came to me to defend himself rather than talk) So instead of just getting on with it, DH then left a screaming newborn just whilst I was making breakfast. Meaning I did not get to eat. AGAIN. Here was me thinking he is home so I can finally eat in peace and no. He literally dumps screaming dbaby down and walks off into the garden.
What really sticks to me is that I remember reading a post about what makes a strong marriage/relationship. And one of responses was that despite arguments and not being on good terms that each partner would still be on the same team and show each other love throughout. I just feel like my partner can do things out of vindictiveness and whenever we had a feud or argument that he makes it well known he isn't going to support or care for me in the moment.
Is it the pp's hormones? We are meant to be getting married soon and all this stuff, although small, is making me have doubts. I don't like this sort of dynamic for a relationship but it's just who DH is as a person. It all seems very depressing and stressful.
I just feel like it was a real d!ck move to leave newborn screaming alone in a room forcing me to attend to them when I was just about to have breakfast after bfing all night and feeling very shaky/weak. DH knows I've been struggling with the cluster feeds and it does not feel supportive one bit, regardless if we are in each others good books or not.