To think this was a d!ck move

Now you know you are in a vulnerable position ( and therefore your children too) you need to start to plan to protect yourself and your children. I would let DP know that you will be going back to work full time after maternity leave so he needs to start to pull his weight with the kids as it will be a partnership when you go back to work. Don’t support someone career at the expense of your basic needs especially when he can’t be arsed getting you a drink.

OP, I would love to tell you that it gets better but I highly doubt it. My DH is the same. He's absolutely rubbish at communicating - I can sit there in tears specifically telling him that I'm upset and I need comfort and he'll just stand there in utter confusion. At the risk of trotting out the cliche, I suspect that he is on the autistic spectrum as he genuinely cannot seem to understand that other people have thoughts and feelings different to his own way of processing things, and his impulse control is poor.

When I had our DD he was very attentive and would bring me food and drink - even holding the straw so I could sip whilst feeding the baby. And this was us with just one child to look after. But he still put his own wants ahead of anything and would buggar off to do his new hobby every chance that he got, leaving me with the newborn and two dogs! It caused a great deal of resentment on my part and there were arguments. One particular day I told him during a row (him claiming that he had to be able to have his hobbies and time to himself) that if he didn't like it then he knew what he could do and just fuck off!! That seemed to hit a note and he was horrified that I felt that way. I'd like to say that he's less selfish nowadays but he's not. I have simply adjusted my expectations and put less in myself. Not ideal but there we are. We are decades down the road down and have a good life but the differing communication style still rears up and bugs me.

I hope you can find a resolution and that things work out for you.

Depends on the country. And if it's England unless their house is in both names she'll be entitled to nothing but cns, which won't be much if it's a new business her dp has started.
OP babies can be left wile yoy eat and shower, even if they're crying. Dint fall into mummy martyr mode, take care of yourself and then I think things will become a bit clearer.

Is “simp” your word or his? Because if it’s a word he uses to describe men doing kind things for their partners I’d be really worried about what kind of man he is.

The not being married or having financial equality aspect is important as it feeds into the relationship dynamic of him not respecting you and not having to worry about what happens if you split, where you do - so it creates a power imbalance where he feels he can treat you like this because he holds all the cards financially and you won't leave whatever he does as he has all the assets. Getting yourself out to work once the youngest is old enough will help balance this out I think. But don't hand him all the power so he can abuse it.

and say it's nobody's business

yet they keep posting on here saying it’s so stressful, what do I do etc etc. Unless he did a 180 change surely his behaviour is not a complete surprise, he must have been like this with the first? Wait let me guess - you desperately wanted a second and didn’t want a big age gap.

@Lotsa that wasn't really a talk, well not a good enough one.
You need a new one.

when I was pregnant it went along these lines, long time now, so sketchy but something like

"obviously financially it makes sense to concentrate on you bringing in cash (his career had/has the potential to be far more lucrative) but that puts me in a precarious position if I give up work"
"well it doesn't because we are married you get half of everything"
"quite right I am doing half the work, not paid work but still half of what we need to be done and what about my pension NI contributions"
"have you checked your pension tracker on the government website"
"course not I'm 31"
"well go and check it"
......
"working it out once youngster is 12 I will then need 7 qualifying years"
he checks his
"and when youngster is 12 I will still need 15 how is this right"
"because I signed on between a levels and college so got in the system"
"I worked that summer as a labourer"
"bet you didn't pay tax, NI though, all cash in hand you need to get into the system babe"
"seems unfair"
"you need to work 15 years after youngster turns 12 regardless"
"I'll bump up the private pension so our state pensions won't matter - they'll be means tested by then anyway"
"fine do that then"

That's a talk - of sorts.

There is an interview somewhere online with Michelle Obama where she talks about how things change post kids and you can’t ‘slay your dragons’ in the same way as you used to. And if you can, there’s massive inequality that needs to be fixed. I feel like it’s relevant here in that your husband may have his dream business and be enjoying his work life but that doesn’t mean he gets to check out of the family he is 50% responsible for. Just brining in the money is not enough. Having a young family is hard on you both. Why does he get a free pass?

I think it is particularly infuriating when men get cross and strop off whilst you look after kids. I couldn’t do it but a huge part of me would be tempted to join him in the garden and leave the baby inside crying - no doubt he would ask where the baby is and you’d be made out to look bad when he did exactly the same thing.

i think this phase of life is incredibly hard and I dont think any huge decisions should be made when you’re in the trenches (unless there’s abuse, of course). I think it’s hard but you need to keep communicating when you’re overwhelmed. Tell your husband you will be taking an hour on Saturday and an hour on Sunday and you will not be available. That’s literally two hours in a week - not unreasonable - if he can’t cope with that, he isn’t a proper father. Wash, do your hair, nap, walk around the block. Just feel like you for a minute. Don’t just accept that this is the dynamic and he’s happier at work. You guys created children together. He needs to do better and I’m afraid that means you have to keep forcing him to try. And re communicating, if that’s his issue you don’t need couples counselling. He needs counselling by himself to figure out why he finds that so hard. I think couples counselling often makes sense only after you’ve figured out your own issues. I find it quite infuriating when adults say “this is who I am, I just can’t talk about emotions” or similar when they have the ability (with lots of work) to change this.

I hope you have some family members or friends nearby to give you a bit hug. You’re doing amazing things for your children. Don’t think that automatically means none of your needs matter.

What happened when he went out into the garden? Did you call him back and ask him to look after dc for 5 minutes while you ate? Or leave him to it?

Of course you shouldn’t have to ask, but leaving it to fester every time isn’t great either.

One of the more sensible posts on the thread. I would add in stop breastfeeding an unpopular suggestion on MN I know.

Yes it’s annoying you were trying to eat and he put the baby down. The bigger problem is you are not communicating on the same level and you are being arsy with each other. Write down your annoyances with each other and unpick it. I had a dh that worked long hours I just had to get on with all childcare, eating showering etc. I tended to eat when baby was asleep or one handed. It’s a whole different juggle when you have 2. The new baby stage is not fun everyone is tired. Move the wedding back if your not in the write headspace. But you need to be nicer to each other. Also self care. Leave him with the kids for an hour go and get your drink have some peace. It will do you the world of good!

You both need to agree on how you are going to communicate - and that needs compromise on both parts. It is okay that you are both different. Your communication needs don't trump his, his don't trump yours. Work out a middle way.

OK so it sounds like he wants to be seen as some great manly man, in charge of his world, whereas actually he's is more likely to act like a toddler if he doesn't get his own way, argue and leave.

So that is what you are working with.

So use it for your benefit.

If he wants to be a manly man, they are providers for their family, perhaps not being a "simp" - I am assuming this is an manosphere made up image of not letting a woman boss me about type thing - but these non-simps are allowed, supposed to provide for their children at the very least so use that.

The big manly ego providing for the children his big manly balls produced.

So use that as a determination that your assets, business, house, bank accounts need to be legally defined and should anything happen to either of you the other will have full legal access because you both will need that reassurance because you have two children, his children, to pay for and protect and if they did, heaven forbid, lose a parent, the last thing they would need at that time would to be homeless and poor as well.

Start there.

He's a complete cunt. He's getting his children looked after and his house kept for free whilst he hasnt even married her and keeps pursuing his business.

Im surprised so many women enable this and say it's nobody's business.

Aside from your relationship with this person you need to take better care of yourself. Make sure your baby is fed and changed then put them in their cot and take a shower. If they cry you know they are not hungry or needing a change and they are in a safe place so will be ok for five minutes.
Make food you can eat with one hand if you have to hold the baby.
As you are solely responsible for your day to day care of your children that means you have to prioritise yourself.
I’d also look into getting some sort of childcare (relative, professional, whatever) to give you even half a day respite. Get your head clear to think seriously about the way forward.
You partner is unlikely to change. He’s not going to suddenly become supportive. Do you have a neutral person in your life to talk it out with? Everyone here can give you bold answers like ‘marry then divorce’ or what have you, but someone on the ground can actually help you work through it with you.

If you’d put your first child into a childminder’s and worked then you would have. Or you work opposite shifts.

You do literally anything else but give up work when you’re not married, unless you are independently wealthy. You’ve got no pension and no claim on his, you say your name isn’t on anything so you’ve no claim on the house, you say there are no savings but even if he has savings, you’ve got no claim on those.

You do anything to get yourself into a position where you have your own income and pension, especially now that you have two children to worry about.

I’m struggling to understand why you can’t eat ? You must feed the toddler, why aren’t you eating at the same time? You will feel better when fed.

You had a choice not to have children unless you were married.

You’re not married but you’re not working? Stupid move. Really stupid. You’re fucked financially, you’re out of the workforce and if you split up, you don’t get anything to compensate what you gave up. Why have you stopped working with no protections for yourself?

If you didn't have any kids I would have said just leave him