To think this was a d!ck move

It's interesting (and a bit worrying) that he views attentive care as "simping."

Adjusting to new babies is difficult for everyone and it sounds as though he is glad of his work to get him out of it all. He might also be resisting any extra support you need because he thinks that is the slippery slope to you relying on him for everything, not just finances.

Could you have a talk with him about how you each manage to preserve your own identity and boundaries faced with the challenges of raising another child? Instead of expressing resentment that he didn't help you more, describe how much difference it would make for him to just make that extra effort as you are struggling to keep your head above water?

All this said, I am sorry to say this but I would hesitate to commit for life to someone who does not see me struggling and step in to help me, without needing to be asked. My first marriage was to someone like that, and the loneliness intensifies over time.

Put the baby down and let him/her cry. You need to eat. Go and eat now. When you have eaten sod the dishes, they can wait. Pick up baby, pick up book to read to toddler. Feed and read. When baby has had ten minutes either side put baby down in cot. Have a cup of tea/coffee whatever (gin and tonic probably unwise!), have playthings out for toddler. Shower, wash hair, dry it, brush it. Make-up if you fancy. Feed and read again. Put baby back in the cot.
Whilst baby is in cot - within sight if this helps you - work out what you need to do because you need a routine. Write it down: i.e. times for breakfast, lunch and dinner, shower time, bedtime for toddler. Stick to it.
Make sure you have meals (you can't b/f if you do not eat properly), that you shower, that you rest. Find out if there are mothers' groups in your area that you can go to. If so, go to it.
Tell DP to stop being a prick. If he doesn't, do not marry him, he is not good husband material.
Better off a single parent than stuck with a jerk who can't understand that what you are doing - raising the next generation - is more important than his job and so he should make accommodation for that and also treat the person he is supposed to love above all as a person.

He isn’t working to bring money in for you. If you leave now he still gets to be a father to your kids (which you produced for him) and yet you will have zero claim on his money or work product.

Oh FFS. I’m willing to place good money on the fact that her partner is still getting to eat and take showers.

Why cant she eat or take showers? Put the baby down. Crying won't harm a baby for 5 minutes.

The baby is not going to spontaneously combust if you put them down for 2 minutes to clean your teeth and have a shower. Put them in a bouncy chair or something in the bathroom so you can still see and talk to them, stick the toddler in the shower with you, and crack on.

Oh FFS. I’m willing to place good money on the fact that her partner is still getting to eat and take showers. The fact that he would rather leave her unable to eat than set aside any difficulties they’re having in order to behave like a loving, caring partner speaks volumes.

He is doing something he loves, gets all the benefit of OP managing all the house and child stuff, while recovering from a C section, and he can’t even be bothered to lift a finger - or a baby - so she can have something to eat? He has time to himself to think, drink a cuppa.

There is no way my DH would have left me without food, drink and support, and he would absolutely have been bringing me little treats to show his appreciation. OP’s partner is breathtakingly selfish.

YANBU, when my two were small we took it in turns to get up with the baby. The fact you are breastfeeding and you are up all night and he gets to sleep is even more reason he should step up and give you a break when he can. I work but maternity leave was really hard. I used to envy my husband leaving the house for work. He also appreciated how hard it is at home and completely understood that he is equally responsible for looking after his children. If he gets to eat breakfast, you get to eat breakfast. If he can have a 10min shower, you can have a 10min shower. It has to be fair and you should want your partner to be able to wash and eat. These are basic necessities. It is really difficult when they are small but you've got to be a team. Don't get me wrong, we argued about out who was most tired, who was in the shower too long etc. It can get petty but we still knew that we both decided to have children and it was our equal responsibility to care for their needs (when both at home).

OP. 50% of marriages end in divorce. The figure is higher due cohabitating couples. If tomorrow he dumped you what would you do?

Sorry to say
But you in this situation,not married is the main dick move
Did your friends and family not advise you to keep your financial independence untill you were married

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense?

How do you imagine he feels? Starting a business is incredibly stressful. Can you imagine the weight of expectation on him as the sole earner? You doing him a favour? He’s the one bringing in the money and keeping the family afloat. You think he goes off to work and puts his feet up all day? “His own business” It’s not a hobby. Relationships and family are supposed to be about teamwork and sharing the load. So we’ve heard how you feel, how about him? Do you ask about him and his needs? To you treat him how you want to be treated? Have you asked him how he feeling and if he is happy. Believe it or not, it isn’t actually all about you. You’re in this together,
and you need to figure it out together. Your growing resentment of him is likely pushing him further away. He needs to communicate better and you need to lose the resentment. You both need a reset.

You need to get married
How have you got yourself in such a bad situation
Never be a SAHM if your not married.
Concentrate on getting the wedding sorted ,so you have some financial security

Good Advice OP.

Take this step by step... You've had a very tough time with the c section. I know how hard it is settling in new baby with an active toddler. Esp when baby is cluster feeding.

Just wanted to say. It will not always be like this... things will settle down.

So set your priorities. Do online shops and order yourself exactly what you need. No dragging around a supermarket with the pair of them atm. Although in a heatwave.. I used to take them to the supermarket for the air con. to cool down.

Remind yourself that at the moment nothing matters but getting yourself, the baby and toddler fed and looked after through the day.

Do you have any relatives, friends who can help? Or go stay with for a bit of TLC. Could you get a temporary cleaner to come and help? They used to have "Mother's Helps" back in the day maybe the health visitor can recommend. Just something temporary whilst you get back on your feet. If you can get anyone to make you some sandwiches.. you can freeze or get some micro meals ( not great but at least you will eat.) In fact talk to your health visitor anyway and see what advice they have (it will be more up to date).

When you are feeling a bit less pressured. You need to say to DH to be without emotive language. Listen. I need your help. You are not here to see what a struggle this is, but I need you do 1). 2). 3) - give him three simple tasks.. even if its just I need you to take the toddler into the garden and play with them or supervise their tea whilst I do more cluster feeding.
I need you to give toddler a bath and bedtime story this evening.

Phrase it in a no discussion way. If he starts "defending" himself.. don't engage. Just say. I understand but I need you to give toddler a bath. They want time with their dad.. (on repeat, but calmly.) ... or There's no need to discuss it - its a very simple ask.

I sought legal advice. We tried talking it through with legal support however my ex was not willing to give me anything.
My solicitor placed a restriction on the house, whereby my ex needed me to remove the restriction before he could sell. You will need bank statements, etc.

It was a long process but always fight for what is rightfully yours. You may be entitled to legal aid as you’re not working.

I was working 16 hours a week when I left my ex, but I was able to privately rent a house for me and the children, with help from benefits to top up my wages.
This was only temporary, and I have since managed to buy my own home.

Speak to citizens advice, there is lots of free support out there to help you.

Which changes the issue of you being incompatible and choosing to have children with someone like that...how?

Well, marrying him is probably the only chance you've got for some security, unless you're planning to leave and have some way of supporting yourself.

Much as the horse has very much bolted, you know you're not compatible as a couple. You've had "plenty" of couples counselling in the past and even your counsellor has said you're not compatible. And yet you've gone on to have not one, but two children with him AND given up work, and with it thus any form of financial independence. Why would anyone do this?

This is the exact clause that my solicitor used when I split with my partner. We were not married, but our joint account received the child benefit, this account also paid the mortgage and bills.
my solicitor placed a restriction on the property, whereby my ex could not sell it without my permission. And I did not give permission until he agreed to pay me what was rightfully mine. 😊

You want a drink from Starbucks and he said no as it's caving? Don't marry this absolute tosser.

If the child benefit is being paid into the same account which pays the mortgage or bills, you can indeed claim from the sale of the family home.

On which planet is there such a law…

I literally cannot believe some of the responses on here. Let’s remember this OP is newly pp, and struggling!!

If the child benefit is being paid into the same account which pays the mortgage or bills, you can indeed claim from the sale of the family home.

OP is not “fucked”. Relationships take work, both OP and DH are going through stressful experiences.
Having said that, there are options for OP if she wants to leave the relationship. Financial support from the state, and the father of her children. OP can get back on her feet. I have been in this position, it’s not easy but it is possible.

So your partner shuts you down and defends himself every time you want to talk about any difficulties or decisions for the future.
He's always right and it’s his way or the highway.
He wants to get home after work and relax and it does his head in, that you need support as in his head, life is all about him!
When he does begrudgingly help, he passive aggressively does it to make the situation worse.
He is jealous that all your attention is on the children and resents them and you, for not putting him first.
The children are too needy, they cry and he regrets you having them.
He believes he should have a hero’s welcome, when he comes home, a bath run with candles and a four course meal. Sex on tap and you being oh so grateful for him being the breadwinner.

I very much thought this also 😬. I mean unless his mom financially or otherwise abused his dad through disingenuous manipulation, then he’s actually even had a good male role model. And yet, interprets that seemingly positive relationship as his dad ‘simping’?! And then treats OP like he should be on a pedestal just because why? He’s the one that goes out to earn?!

@Lotsa i don’t know how deep your love is for this man but early signs are not good. He really needs counselling to get on top of his moodiness, pettiness and inability to communicate. He absolutely also needs to step up and be a dad ‘in the home’ as well as the breadwinner - it’s not one or the other.

As PP have said, I’m not sure you can trust DP to have your back long-term so as soon as you are able, it would really be in your interests to get back in the job market, earning financial independence from him. Put away what you can afford for a secret rainy day fund also. You’re being very strong and sound like a fantastic mom to your kids. Wishing you the best ♥️

He's really really nasty and unkind, he doesn;t love you because no one would behave the way he is behaving to someone they love. If you love someone, it i unbearable to see them struggling and suffering and all your instinct make you want to help them in whatever way you can.

He won't change, 'nasty' is who he is, it is his personality. Interesting how these vile men never want to talk about things, because they know they don't have any answers for their repulsive behaviour.

While he is at work you are also working full time looking after the children, when he gets home, those children should be a joint responsibility. They are his children, why is he so thick that he doesn;t understand that if you can;t look after yourself and eat properly, you can't look after the children to the best of your ability?

He sounds like a feeble excuse of a man. Do you really want to spend your life with someone ike that? Do you want your children growing up thinking that this is how you behave towards those you are upposed to love ?

YANBU but you are totally vulnerable so I don't know if there's anything you can really do about it.

If he won't communicate in the moment tell him in a letter that his behaviour is going to damage your relationship, and the relationship he has with his children for the long term. State specifically and explicitly what you need from him. Tell him that his role as a father is non-negotiable and should not be contingent on his feelings towards you.

Practically, it may be the right thing to get married - although I don't know why on earth you haven't already - but emotionally, I don't know if I could do it. What is your own financial position? Do you have savings or a career to resume?