To think this was a d!ck move

There is a lot to unpick here.
Did you have therapy before deciding to have children? You agree with comments about not being compatible so what made you want to stay with him?
Who wanted to start a family?
What was he like when you just had one child -was he more helpful then and more respectful of your needs?
Why did you decide to give up work and not go back part time?

Yes he sounds a dick, but you also sound naive and foolish to give up everything for this man (and I am wondering whether you were desperate for children that you weren't really bothered about who with, as you agree you are not compatible so I am not sure why you got yourself into this mess).

Did your DH want children OP? Was it very much a joint decision?

Don’t marry this man.

It’s during difficult times that you find out who really has your back. It doesn’t sound like you are a team at all.

There's a world of difference between doting & basic bloody kindness.

He sounds horrible & selfish & tbh I'd consider not marrying him!

That’s awful that he deliberately doesn’t want to care for you - and that he uses an awful word like “simping”.

He sounds horrible and misogynistic.

And yes it was a dick move to leave you with a screaming baby like that.

You are in an incredibly vulnerable position - you should never give up work and SAHM without being married or civil partnered - not without cast iron agreements which might as well be one of those things (and then simpler just to have the marriage/ partnership!).

Get married fast for your financial future! You can divorce at leisure should you need to.

Exactly.

No decent man would use this kind of terminology for someone who supports and cares for his partner and young children.

I don’t care how stressful someone’s job is, you still have to show up as a partner and especially as a parent. There are parents who work multiple jobs or incredibly stressful jobs yet they put their own stuff aside for the few hours a week they see their children. Of course, everyone has off days when they might be a bit short or not want to play and then you work as a team and ‘cover’ for the other. But generally speaking, a job doesn’t give you an infinite ‘get out of jail free’ card for being a rubbish team mate or parent. It’s unfair on all the parents out there who are at least trying to do both roles well.

Its not quite as simple as that.
Marriage is a good idea if you give up your career and have children. For example OP has no claim on his business or earnings other than for the children. Her career and financial sacrifices are not taken into account.

I didn’t spot this additional info earlier - sorry to double post OP! This is why it is your husband who needs to pop along to therapy! He cannot bring his own baggage into your relationship like this at your expense. He is being triggered by his parents’ relationship and it’s affecting your wellbeing. Caring for your post partum wife isn’t ‘simping’ or a sign of weakness. To be honest, you shouldn’t have to request to eat or shower everyday. He should make sure you’re doing that because he’s a decent human being.

Unless you are making outlandish requests 24/7 (which it doesn’t sound like you are), he needs to realise that a relationship involves give and take. Yes, he has this amazing and probably stressful career but that doesn’t mean you get to neglect your family. Post partum women are vulnerable and need to be looked after. The fact he’s worried about spoiling you is (in some ways) like worrying about spoiling a new born - god forbid you rely on your partner in a vulnerable moment and feel loved and comforted by him! Please tell him you are not his mum and he needs to do better. He needs to work on why his parents’ relationship is such an issue for him and why his automatic reaction to a request from his partner is resistance.

And to those saying just leave your baby to cry whilst you shower, aside from some people not being comfortable doing that when they’re so little, the main reason OP shouldn’t have to do this is because she has a partner. If he is home, there is zero reason why he shouldn’t be responsible for at least trying to soothe a sad baby whilst his wife has a shower/eats a meal. I don’t care what your job is, if you choose to have children, you step up and when you’re home you try your best.

You sound like a devoted mum albeit an exhausted one. My second baby went through a phase of cluster feeding which went on for far longer than my first. The health visitor said to persevere as he was quite a big baby who coudnt seem to get enough. I won't go into all the reasons suffice to say I made the decision at 4 months to change to bottle feeding & we never looked back. Dh shared the feeds as did grandparents & baby started sleeping through the night. I know this wouldn't be for everyone but I have no regrets & would do the same again.

You could have worded that so much nicer.

I mean how can you be sure it will be very successful?

I don't think it's fair to say this is the honeymoon period with two little kids underfoot. Surely the honeymoon period is when you've just got together, getting to know each other, unaware of each others annoying points and shagging like rabbits?

I really admire the couples therapy that you have done

but if you’ve got that far and that’s still not working or not being out into practice of what their suggestions was to communicate more effectively. Then what more can you do?

She absolutely should not marry this abusive twat. It might be better for her financially - MAYBE - but you can guarantee his treatment of her will get worse once she's 'locked down.'

Unfortunately this is the best advice at the moment.

If you were financially secure we would be telling you to just leave him.

But “we” won’t have lots of money. He will.

His behaviour is awful. For the first 6 months of DC2, my husband brought me breakfast in bed as I was famished from breastfeeding and being up all night. Now my baby is older, one of the first things he still does is make me a coffee as I'm still the one getting up at night. Your partner sounds like he has a very strange and aggressive attitude to someone he's supposed to cherish - fiancée and mother of his children!

I read this on here once and it stuck with me, many men seem to think that babies and small children are like a sort of hobby for mums. He thinks you are lucky to be at home indulging in your hobby, even though it leaves you exhausted and with no time for yourself. As a pp said, his working and bringing in money is not something he is doing for you and the dc, he is doing it for him, and the rest of you benefit from the rewards. Supporting his family is the absolute least he can do, the absolute minimum, morally and legally. Babies and toddlers are fucking hard work, you need to take care of yourself, and he needs to support you in that. Not eating or showering or whatever is not an option for your children, or your dh and it shouldn't be for you. If you need to eat/wash you hand the dc to him, if he won't engage with them, you need to eat/wash anyway. Most decent men understand that mums have needs too, if yours doesn't, he needs to learn. It won't harm your dc to be left crying for a few minutes, and like your dh, they will learn that they have two adults in their lives, not just you.

What the fuck am I reading?

You do know that this man has two children and, as it's not the 1950s any longer, that he needs to put as much work into his family as OP does. It doesn't matter that he has his own business and may be stressed, they are his children too and he needs to give his wife (to be) a break no matter how he's feeling.

He's a spineless, moronic manbaby who needs a kick into the real world. Using phrasing like simping and saying he doesn't want to cave to your demands - what an utterly disgusting, Andrew tate loving, embarrassment to mankind.

OP, you say he wanted to talk this morning, but you refused. He may have many faults, but you can’t say "he won’t communicate" if what you mean is "he won’t communicate at the time I choose". Perhaps it’s just that you prefer to air grievances in the heat of the moment and he prefers to wait until you have both calmed down a bit.

It doesn't matter whether it doesn't "suit him" to be at home with the kids. He's a parent. He's going to have to step up more and support you.
Have a conversation - when both of you are able - about needs and expectations.
When you decided to have children did he say that he would be a proactive parent?

Probably because the poor woman is sleep-deprived, trying to manage a cluster-feeding baby and a toddler, and absolutely running on empty. It’s hard to think straight or focus on other things when the baby is crying and the one person you should be able to rely on to back you up fucks off and leaves you to it.

The hungry cry was one that always got a visceral response from me: it’s really hard to ignore. I was lucky that DH eventually just got some formula and forced me to take a step back so I could look after myself. But OP doesn’t have that support from her partner and knows that if she doesn’t deal with it, nobody will. I have nothing but sympathy for her and what she doesn’t need right now is to get dunked on here when what she needs is support and some sympathy.

Her partner punished her for being upset by neglecting his own baby. That’s very definitely a dick move.