To think this was a d!ck move

I'm married to someone like this. (Though mine would never come to me to talk like yours did.)
It doesn't get any easier. It does get harder. From this post and your replies, this isn't an isolated incident.
You already know he's not interested in meeting your needs and isn't concerned with your well being. It only gets more lonely and overwhelming feeling like that.

(I'm 20yrs in and constantly feel like we would all be better off divorced. But 2 kids, a mortgage, me typical default parent but with chronic illnesses making me unable to work for 5+yrs now, means I'm financially dependent on him and feel trapped. The resentment builds too. - and if anyone reads this thinking my poor DH, he is fully aware of how I feel having tried to discuss it all with him probably 50 times over the past years, but he disagrees and refuses. Nothing changes. Which just goes to show even more how my wants and needs are non existent to him.)

He doesn't "suit" being at home with the kids, so he gets to spend all day on his dream career? How lovely for him.

This period is always tough, when one of you is home on mat leave and the other person is working full time - it's almost impossible to relate to the other person. Even taking that into account, though - your partner is awful. He should be acknowledging your MASSIVE contribution to your family, and showing you love and kindness. And showing up for his family, regardless of whether it "suits him." What a loser.

Just because she didn’t mentioned it straight up, it doesn’t mean we immediately have to look at it with suspicion. Personally, I’d rather give a postpartum mum looking for help the benefit of the doubt and provide advice/support as best I can.

I didn’t ignore the parts about him trying to talk about it, I just don’t think it’s that remarkable or unusual for a postpartum mum to not necessarily have the strength to battle through another defensive chat that she knows won’t actually solve the issue which is that he struggles to communicate. Plus, it sounds like OP was keen to work things out before bed and he ‘couldn’t deal with it’ at that time so he doesn’t get praise for doing what it sounds like she was keen to do hours before.

So yes, I can agree with you that communication is what needs to be worked on but her struggles should be really quite obvious to him and she can only ask so many times for him to open up. Hence why I said therapy for him would be good because he can work out why he struggles to talk about stuff. I’d also recommend therapy for her as she’s feeling so unsupported but then I genuinely believe almost anyone would benefit from therapy!

He is gaslighting you a lot, my ex did this to me a lot while pregnant kept making out that me wanting any care, help or kindness was a completely unacceptable unreasonable unusual neuroticism of mine and he was so hard done by. He walked out juts befor baby was born and I was with my parents post Partum and your post is making me grateful
That this trauma happened as the alternative would be what you're going through now!

He's disgusting - imagine finding it embarrassing to help you postpartum post surgery mother of your child.

I agree with @NoSoapJustUseShowerGel

However, I think
Op has made it as clear as day and he's stu being a shit.

I would try relationship counselling and if no improvement make a plan to leave (after the wedding if financial better for you) and in the meantime he needs to fund some help if he can't do it himself - 1-2 hours a day babysitter from an app to be mothers help /make you food/ hold baby while you shower /play with toddler with you there, etc.

I doubt it would work anyway. Fairly sure short marriages courts aim to return things to how they were prior to the marriage, to stop exactly that happening.

Do people really put a dress on and walk down the aisle to say vows they don’t mean so they get half the house? I’m not sure I could do that

Did he really say that though or is the OP embellishing as that didn’t start in the original post.
you’ve also ignored the fact he has tried to discuss with her at different times but because she couldn’t deal with it then she walked away. I’m simply saying communication is the issue if they both behaved like adults and talked about how they are both feeling they’d be better able to get the support they need from wherever they need it.
if he listened to her he would be able to see the areas she’s struggling in and they could devise a plan to see how they could work together to improve things. If she listened to him she may be able to see what it is he is finding so difficult and find ways to help him.

Firstly, most post partum men are not as vulnerable as post partum women (I say most as some may have underlying MH issues that predate parenthood). Yes, men need support after babies are born but I actually think it’s a time when they need to try to get it from family and friends rather than their partners. Women post children can be just trying to survive. If you found it easy, great. Well done. But lots of women struggle with such a huge transition and they may not have the emotional capacity to support another person beyond their child. Men need to appreciate the complexity of post partum and realise that it’s a time when men and women are not struggling in the same way with the same problems.

Secondly, there is struggling and then there is telling your partner that you ‘don’t want to give into her every request’ because you have mummy issues. I think this is the problem many people have with the partner. He’s actively not making an effort when his partner is clearly struggling. He may be struggling too but he is certainly not being kind or in any way helpful if he cannot even help his partner eat three meals a day and shower regularly. Meanwhile, she’s still looking after THEIR kids, THEIR home. She’s trying her best to be a good team mate while he is actively resisting doing things for her (because of his issues with his parents’ relationship not because she’s done something wrong).

No, actually she did describe how a successful healthy partnership should work. I imagine the fact you can’t see that probably explains a lot about your own failings in the same regard.

You both have your own pressures and it’s very relevant to you both as individuals. unfortunately that’s where resentments build up. Just try and do you the best you can without the focus of what you feel you’re not getting. I’m married but completely a ‘single’ parent when it comes to anything to do with our DC

Why would he leave the 3 month old because he's annoyed with you? It's not the baby's fault you two have argued? I've had arguments with my husband before while he's got the baby...and he kept the baby. Because he was looking after her. He wouldn't just leave her alone crying because he was annoyed with ME. That feels like a big red flag to me about what he's like as a dad. Sounds like he thinks looking after his own child is doing you a favour, so he stopped doing you that 'favour' when he got annoyed.

He doesn't want to cave to your requests. Fuck that

Don't cave to cooking him food, doing his washing or anything else unless you have been fully fed yourself and had a shower. This is not negotiable

Cave to your requests - this is not a partnership if this is the way he thinks

You're caving to him all the time to allow him to build up his dream business

Prioritise yourself tell him to cave off

Don’t make any decisions, you’re full of hormones and sleep deprived. he’s doing his best with the business and he’s only a man. Just hunker down things will improve when the baby’s feeding and sleep is in a good routine. A tiny baby and a toddler is the very hardest parenting time. You’re doing great. Things will improve - a lot.

Are you close to your mum, or do you have a really good friend you could talk to?. Me and my friends got each other through the hard times as SAHM when DH’s were working. Get your mum or friend round, you need a hug and a good cry. They can entertain the kids while you shower/eat/nap whatever you need. I wouldn’t make big decisions right now while hormones and tiredness are in control. I have a 15 month gap between my two. I had to stop ebf at :4 months as it was taking to much out of me and so much time from my toddler. Maybe switching to bottles would help too.
if you really have no one to help make sure baby is fed,dry and safe and get in the shower. I remember having mine in the baby seat in the bathroom while I showered. I’d give my toddler those bath crayons to keep him quiet and get in that shower it makes such a huge difference to how you feel.

You told him to give you space then you got mad at him because he gave you space and waited until the next morning to talk. You complain about him not being a great communicator but when he wanted talk you shot him down because it wasn't on your terms.

MN is a space that is generally very hostile to men so you have pages of posts telling you how awful he is and that you should leave the bastard (but cynically marry him first so that you're financially protected). And it may well be he is a total dick and the relationship is doomed. But it's also worth considering your own contribution to the falling out.

There is not a single second where I would consider marrying this man. Definitely not now, perhaps ever.

My self respect and my mental health mean that I could not consider myself an equal to this person who treats me so badly, so unkindly, so dismissively, and your life partner is meant to be an equal. Which doesn't mean that things are exactly the same for both of you, but instead, that things feel fair and your basic needs - for clean clothes, food, hygiene, appeciation of your efforts, a feeling of being able to discuss and contribute to joing decisions are being met (- starting a business when there was a new born baby imminent was a dick move - no time is ever perfect but some are less imperfect than others) .

As for what you do, I would rally my tribe. Friends, family definitely family if you can and get myself support. This isn't something to be hidden. Drag his bad behavior into the open.

"Why is your sister here? It's breakfast time, I wasn't expecting people?!"

"Oh, she's here to help me get food and achieve basic hygiene"

Hell, get Home Start in if they're in your area. Get people around you who can look after you because you need it so you can look after your kids. And plan. If this muppet that you've bred with is to be tolerated going forward, he needs to get into shape fast. And that's a choice, his choice. You need to get your needs met however you can. Babysitter an hour a day. Family move in, you go to family. He needs to step up and make changes fast.

Never would I tolerate this because it's not a Good Thing in your life. Fuck therapy, sometimes less chat and more action because this is so so basic. He can either be a father and partner or not. It's not actually your decision. Your decision is whether you want the piss poor version he's offering you and trust me, you don't. It's not "a man at any cost"

It's less lonely to do it alone sometimes.

So because he’s a man he doesn’t need or deserve support. Only women have it tough and everyone around them should bow down to them and ignore the men in a partnership🙄 nice!

Have you actually set a date and booked a wedding or is he just saying he’ll marry you?

If the relationship is so full of conflict, it’s perhaps not a good idea to marry.🤷‍♀️

OP is there any opportunity to go and stay with your mum or close friend / family member until your situation with your baby calms down a little? If he complains / people ask why, tell the truth - you are collapsing due to lack of sleep and lack of food and desperately need help. Let those hearing that decide if your partner’s behaviour is reasonable or not choosing to ‘not give into your demands’!
Once your situation is a little calmer, time for a strong talk with your partner. Or, if there is nowhere else to go, a talk now. Set out your expectations for balance between the two of you - same amount of downtime. His kids are his kids irrespective of how you and he are getting along. If you get nowhere, personally I would leave him. In the short term if there is nowhere else to go move out of the bedroom, claim benefits as a single person and apply for help with being rehoused. You are a single parent anyway. At least then you are not wasting your youth as his home servant and if he wants to continue to be a father for his children he will have to care for them.
oh and I agree with previous posters - eat something and shower, it won’t kill the baby’s to cry for 5 mins if it’s needs have been met.

You haven’t described a partnership. You’ve described her needing to parent a third child….

This man is a raging misogynist. The clue is in resenting his father for providing nurturing care to his mother when she needed it. I’d be giving him six weeks to turn things around and if he didn’t I’d be out the door.

I agree with a previous poster. This isn’t just about you. He’s obviously struggling as well at the moment you’ve said this so what are you doing to support him? It’s a partnership and you both need to be heard and you both need to support each other. A new baby isn’t just incredibly hard and stressful on the mum but it is the fathers too. The dynamics shift so much they can feel very out of their depth and not know how to support someone.
on the face of it yes it is a completely dick move to hand you a screaming baby and walk away but equally we don’t know how he was feeling in that moment. How do we know he wasn’t completely drowning and out of his depth and he handed you the baby to do the sensible thing and regain some composure. There are 2 sides to every story and whilst no one would dispute you need him to step up and support you as a new mum but he is also a new father and will feel an incredible weight on him as well.
You both need to act like adults and communicate and properly listen to each other. If you don’t then there is no point in even trying.