Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

163 replies

Gagamama2 · 14/07/2025 10:15

My partner and I are at loggerheads with my son's behaviour. There's lots going on during the daytime as well but the issue I'd like to know is who is being the more reasonable one at night, me or my partner.

My son is 6, with possible ADHD / Dyspraxia / SPD (all to be assessed soon once I've saved up the money).

His sleep has always been a bit up and down, but we've had a fairly good 6 months of it. Recently (within the last month) he has been waking up at night and wanting reassurance. He is scared of the dark and has to go to sleep with his main light on. I then switch this off and leave the hall light on with his door wide open, but he still doesn't like being alone. In the daytime he will not stay in an area of the house by himself, or go into the garden by himself, as he says he is scared of being alone.

On the two nights a week when my partner isn't here and he wakes up I put him back to his bed when he comes into me, give him reassurance, get him water etc. He generally goes back to sleep within 20 mins.

But when my partner is here he shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc and I can't stand it. He tells me not to go in there as I'm making him worse and making the sleeping patterns worse. Last night I listened to my son crying for 15 mins, then he stopped. 10 mins later I went in to make sure he wasn't completely covered by the blanket (he does this to make himself feel less scared) as its too hot to have it over his head etc. He was wide awake under the blanket sweating like mad. He needed the loo so I took him, got him some pjs that weren't wet with sweat, and put cream on his eczema as it was itching. He then went back to sleep v calm. All in all took about 15-20 mins.

I am fuming with my partner that he can treat our son this way. It's the same night after night. But AIBU?? perhaps I'm being too soft and he would have gone back to sleep by himself? I'm not sure it's normal for a 6 year old to be needing so much reassurance and support at night but then again maybe what's normal doesn't matter? of course I would LOVE a whole nights uninturruped sleep. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night for the fun of it. And doing all the emotional support work for my kids without my partner taking any of it is really taking its toll.

OP posts:
JustJoinedRightNow · 14/07/2025 10:33

Your partner is abusive. Put your foot down and care for your poor scared little boy. This made me so sad to read

Original poster
Gagamama2 · 14/07/2025 10:32

doodleschnoodle · 14/07/2025 10:22

Is your partner your son’s dad?

Yes he is my son's dad (and the other kids dad too). We are together etc, he is only away two nights a week because of work

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 14/07/2025 10:31

Is your partner your son’s dad? If he isn’t I wouldn’t let him stay over unless your son isn’t there (at his own dads?). If it’s the case that he isn’t his dad and your son is with you 7 nights a week you probably have some hard decisions to make.

usedtobeaylis · 14/07/2025 10:29

Also your partner has absolutely no right to dictate to you that you don't go in to your son when he's crying, absolutely no right at all.

Abracadabra1 · 14/07/2025 10:29

He's 6, with potential additional needs...I think you should trust your gut on this one, children don't stop needing you just because it's dark.
Being woken in the night isn't great, but you may end up with bigger problems down the line if he doesn't feel safe now.
Is your partner your child's dad? I would be having a hard think if your partners behaviour is something that you want to continue exposing your child to because it sounds damaging.

MischiefandMayhemManaged · 14/07/2025 10:28

I'm of 2 minds on this. As a ND kid, I couldnt sleep with the light off, but my mum got me a small bedisde lamp that got left on.. I gradually gre out of it. So that might be a way round it for that.

As for the getting up to settle him, it looks like your way works. However its also probably better to get him used to not having someone there, or its going to re-enforce an unhealthy (and does already sound a little unhealthy) co-dependancy .
Can you get a lighter weight blanket so that he doesnt get too hot (I bury myself under blankets too, and i'm in my 30's at this point.)

I'm also not adverse to laying down consequences - though your DH's methods might be a little harsh - I also dont entierly disagree with the sentiment....

Is he under any health teams at the moment? Can they suggest any fixes for the sepaaration anxiety? I could offer dozens - but they only work for dogs!!

usedtobeaylis · 14/07/2025 10:27

Your partner sounds like a dickhead. You're doing it the right way - you're awake anyway by that point so what's the point in listening to the poor soul crying instead of helping him settle back down?You're not being too soft, you're supporting your child.

The one thing that is certain is that all children are different. My sister slept in with my mum most nights until she was 14, it's just how she was, especially after her dad left. She grew out of it in her own time. Your child will grow out of his night-time fears in his own time but shouting and bawling at him and refusing him comfort won't help in any way.

TY78910 · 14/07/2025 10:26

@Darragon that just upset me. No child should have to feel like this.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/07/2025 10:25

I wouldn’t lie listening to my child cry for 15 minutes.

You and your partner need to discuss and agree a plan for dealing with your child not sleeping. It may be that you’re too accommodating and your partner sounds too harsh, there may be a middle ground but also I always found that once I had one sleep problem cracked, another would pop up again.

Disturbed sleep is horrible for everyone, so whatever gets the most people the most sleep is what wins in my house. Both my two had sleep issues and only recently aged 12 and 14 have they settled down. Before then it was a combination of quickly settling them back to sleep, co sleeping in various combinations and changing rooms, bedding etc to get the right combination. You do need to speak it through though because you need to be on the same page.

Darragon · 14/07/2025 10:24

My mother used to do what your DH is doing now. Eventually I gave up trying to get support or comfort, so she thought it was successful. In reality, I used to lie awake for hours hiding under my quilt terrified and crying every night. I was NC with her from the moment I left home at 18. It was part of a pattern of nasty, unempathetic behaviour that left me very emotionally damaged and needing a lot of therapy as an adult.

doodleschnoodle · 14/07/2025 10:22

Is your partner your son’s dad?

Bitzee · 14/07/2025 10:21

He sounds absolutely awful, your poor DS.

If he doesn’t want to encourage the night waking with lots of attention then I get that, additional needs to not withstanding it’s a pretty well established technique that typically works well, but you do it the supernanny way and lead them back to bed silently or at most repeat a boring phrase like ‘it’s bedtime now’. There’s absolutely no excuse for shouting and pushing.

TY78910 · 14/07/2025 10:20

how terrifying for your boy. so sorry. Totally unacceptable.