To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

This is exactly my ASD son. Hated being alone, not scared of anything but worried we had left if he hasn't seen us in the last 5 minutes. Couldn't even go into the garden to hang out the washing without him following me out.

I think you are doing the right thing with the night waking. He needs reassurance, he's not being naughty.

We recorded a video for his ipad saying 'oh dear, have you woken up' plus lots of nice reassuring things. He would watch it instead of disturbing us sometimes. I also put a sign on our bedroom door saying 'we are sleeping, shhhh' and I'd hear him come and look at it and sometimes go back to bed. I'd peep in on him a few minutes later but usually back asleep.

He got better very gradually, by 15 he was OK alone for 2-3 hours and rarely came in at night.

Dd is 8 and still needs some reassurance if she wakes from a nightmare, or is unsettled for some other reason (she's also ND). Invariably, she hops into bed for a 10 minute cuddle with me, and then I return her to bed and she's fine. It's fair to say that dh doesn't have as much patience as me with interrupted sleep, but he'd never rant and rave at her. She's so good most of the time that if she's coming into our room then it's for a good reason. We were the same with our ds at that age. Both went through phases when they were more unsettled than others (if there was a lot going on in our lives, new schools, classes etc) but both settled down after each phase and these night awakenings are extremely rare now. Being emotionally available to your child, a calm and reassuring presence, builds their confidence and resilience in the long run.

Why are you with someone who abuses your kids like this, shouting, slamming doors letting them cry?

We live in the country, no street lights, but it never gets really dark at this time of year. I agree with the poster who is concerned about the light being on all night. Could you use a low watt bulb in that light and get him gradually used to sleeping in the dark. Humans are programmed to need dark nights for deep sleeping.
Apart from that, the TV super-nanny approach is worth trying. Quietly, without speaking much, lead him back to bed, kiss and a cuddle - but not over-much attention, and quietly leave when he's drowsy but before he's actually sleeping.
It worked with my poor sleeper, (took about 3 months) but I confess she didn't have special needs so maybe I don't understand.

Op, you must trust your instinct here.
If your child does have adhd or other needs, he is likely to be emotionally younger than his actual age. Imagine his behaviour on a 3 year old. Completely normal, you see? Even a 6 year old without needs can struggle with sleep. Add in the recent heat, coming up to the end of the school year which can be very unsettling for a child, and then being shouted at by his dad… your boy needs you. I cannot begin to explain how damaging shouting at him, ignoring him, leaving him to cry is.

My ds has adhd, diagnosed age 9. We knew long before. He is now 12. Only in the last year has he stopped coming into my bed at night, his behaviour has changed so much because he is growing up. Emotionally he is a good 2/3 years younger. But he’s getting there, thanks to support, tolerance and love from BOTH parents. It’s not always easy. Try to work out a sleep arrangement that works for you. We’ve had ds in with me and dh sleeping in the single bed when he needed to, we bought a super king bed so we could all climb in if needed, your child must always, always come first. If your partner can’t see that, he is the adult and needs to sort himself out, or get out.

I really recommend the book Raising Attention, ( Sarah Ockwell-Smith) recently published, which echoes everything we’ve worked out by ourselves and would have been invaluable if it had been around earlier. You have to be the safe place for your boy. You know that already. Good luck x

We went through exactly the same with DS aged 6. I don't think we have any SEN but he is an anxious, sensitive boy and went through a phase of being constantly scared. He also wouldn't be alone in a room during the day etc and it felt like it would never end.

He is 7 now and loads better so hopefully can give you a bit of hope.

DH also thought he needed tough love but telling him off and sending him back at night was escalating the situation, distress, and making DS even worse.

Keep doing what you are doing, he needs reassurance and to feel safe to eventually grow out of it. Your approach is totally right, and you're doing great if he goes back to sleep in his own room within 20 minutes!

It's all great having parenting principles but you can only parent the child you are given and trust your instinct as to what is best for them.

I was firmly against DC sleeping in their parents bedroom but in our case we had to resort to a mattress on our bedroom floor and said he could come in if scared but wasn't to wake us up. Everyone was a lot more peaceful and rested.

It worked very well and he now barely ever uses it.

Your DS is lucky to have you ❤️

I mean beyond the fucking obvious....

His behaviour is probably making the night wakings worse.

So if his aim is to stop them he should probably lay off ranting raving amd driving everyone's adrenaline and cortisol through the roof in the middle of the night.

Id also get a dimmer switch fitted and put a bigish nightlight in your sons room.

I "sweep the room" for monsters with my 3 yr old... might be worth a try here depending on what he is afraid of

Sorry to be harsh but get a bloody grip, dump your partner and get him out of your son's life and home.

Poor kid.
It's standard parenting to be available to your children during the night.
Calm reassurance and meeting basic needs fosters long term resilience and independence.
Shame on your DP.

Haven’t read past the OP but Your partner is an abusive arsehole. LTB

Just to send sympathy and i think you are trying to do the right things as a mum. I'm going through this with my anxious 6 year old at the moment and it gets wearing and seems to be a source of contention between me and my partner. She also won't stay or fall asleep in her bed at night and is scared to be alone, go to the toilet unaccompanied during the day. Her big fear at the moment is bugs but she also gets scared of noises. I want her to feel safe but the not going to to the toilet and doing other developmentally appropriate things gets very wearing.
Her dad is also much more irritable and unsympathetic about it all but he will stay with her until she falls asleep. He either blames me or her but he wouldn't do what your husband did, confining the child in the room when they're scared. I am hoping it's a phase but I have mentioned going to our nice GP to ask about resources to deal with the bug fear (phobia?) which is becoming debilitating for her I think. Of course partner said that was pointless and she just needs to pull herself together... great.

All children are different. Some require more support than others. You can’t force independence, just compliance. And that can have longer term effects on emotional wellbeing. We are talking about a 6 year old, not a mid-teen

For comparison, my 4 year old wakes in the night and runs in to us. He wants the comfort of sleeping with us. My husband tirelessly gets him a drink, waits for him outside the loo, answers all his questions and gets up early with him and plays with him. Every single day. Never a cross word, impatience or anger, just love and kindness and understanding of a small child.

Your poor son. You sound like a lovely mum but I'd be doing everything I could to get my son away from that behaviour from your partner, whatever it might be. You're not overreacting. I mean this kindly, but you're underreacting. Your son needs you to recognise this and keep him safe and happy. Can anyone help you?

He's probably ND, so that makes a difference.

I remind my teens if they are very sick or need my assistance in the night if they are out somewhere and in trouble that they can call me any time of night and I"ll be there.

I have a 12, 10 and a 6 year old (none have additional needs). We've co-slept with all of them. We are still co-sleeping with the 6 year old. He's 6 - still so so young. My oldest 2 don't need us to co-sleep any more, but if they wake in the night, I'm up and there for them. That's parenting.

What your partner is doing isn't parenting. It's abusive.

Ask him what would he do if you'd had a nightmare and were scared in the night - would he scream at you and shut you in your room? I don't think he would so why is it acceptable to do it to a child.

One of my enduring memories is of getting up in the night (I was three) and getting yelled at by my mother to get back to bed. The house felt so big and empty and lonely in the dead of night.

Can you put a bed on the floor next to you for him to snuggle into without disturbing you, if he needs the reassurance of your closeness? You did the right thing dealing with his itching and making sure he was comforted and comfortable at night. He'll know he can come to you if he needs you.

I understand from your partner’s perspective with sleeping away from home for two nights, the nights he does get to sleep in his own bed are ‘sacred’ and having an unsettled / interrupted night’s sleep sucks, but that’s part and parcel of having babies and young children, and he needs to wise up.

My eldest was exactly the same, he was genuinely terrified of being in his room on his own and being in the dark, so I used to bring him into my bed until he went to sleep and then carry him into his, but he always ended up getting up again, flustered and scared later in the night and needed comforting.

He was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 8, and whilst he does sleep in his own bed now, his sleep is still very bad (struggles to get to sleep) and he hates the dark.

Keep doing what you’re doing, can your partner not remember what it was like when he was little and afraid?

I would think your partner shouting at your son, rejecting him in his moment of need and being aggressive is causing far more upset than you.
Young children at night need reassurance and comfort. Make a show of checking their bedrooms for monsters, take down anything hung up that can look like a spooky shadow in the dark, use a little night light and turn up at their bedside when they cry, night after night for as long as it takes for them to be happy.

Your dp is being abusive.

I'm sorry, but for you to think that that level of relaince on someone being there at age 6! is normal? thats a WTF moment. The only time i ever got up to ask my mum for something age 6 was if my other medical condition was flaring. Otherwise Id just go pee, and if i couldnt sleep, get a book out. I knew my mum worked all day and was exhausted, even then. I wasnt going to wake her up because I felt insecure. That was what the nightlight was for. Now..In my 30's i have a weighted blanket that does the trick.

Embedding co-dependancy that young really isn't going to help in the long term.

I think your partners behavior has been well covered in this thread so I won't comment further on that. For your little boy though, could you try a night light, like a lava lamp and a weighted blanket? The deep pressure of a weighted blanket can be really soothing for ND children (just make sure you get the correct weight for his weight).

Wtf is this reply? 🤣 why does he need to get used to not having someone there? The child is 6. True, secure independence comes from knowing your care givers are there whenever you need them. Freedom to explore, learn and make mistakes with the security of having someone to rely on if it goes wrong or you find it tricky. And there is certainly nothing unhealthy or codependent in a 6 year old relying on their mum

My son used to get up every single night and pandering did make it worse and he did play on it, sometimes though he was genuinely upset, we did the Supernanny bedtime because shouting and screaming obviously is not going to help a child who is already stressed out.

Your way is the best way to support a child scared of the dark and/or being on there own.
One of my DC (AuDHD and SpLD is scared of the dark, or being on her own in a room etc (even during the day).
You being attuned to your child's needs is not pandering to him.
Your partner is a cunt.

OP you are right with how you approach your son. Regardless of whether it is common or not for a 6 year old he wants reassurance. Also 20 mins is not a long time for him to go back down. Your partner is completely in the wrong. However you could look at ways in which he can reassure himself. A lamp like PP suggested, a teddy to cuddle etc. continue to support your boy your partner is wrong !!