To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

I am completely normal. I remember waking up in the middle of the night after a nightmare and knocking on my parents' door when I was about nine years old. My parents didn’t shout at me.

I think sleep should have been sorted by age 6. You are too soft your partner sounds a bit too hard. You need to work together to solve this issue, listen to each other.

If you have room, put an airbed on the floor and tell your DC that if he is scared, he can come into your room and sleep on it. Or put a double bed in his room, so you can go in with him and then return to your own bed when he's asleep but it doesn't matter if you fall asleep.

Sleep issues are not worth getting worked up about. Just get everyone back to sleep in whatever way is easiest. Practically no teenagers still sleep in with their parents.

I'm sure there is a better way of saying this but here goes... children only have a certain amount of cognitive capacity. Stress impairs cognitive capacity. If children are lying awake, either upset or scared, on a frequent basis, this reduces their cognitive capacity for learning, exploring and other activities. Given that you suspect potential ND/other difficulties (which means your son already has a lot to cope with), it makes sense to help him by making his home as low-stress as possible, including nights and sleeping. Otherwise, his cognitive capacity is simply being further drained, leaving him tired and less able to cope with the other challenges he faces.

I think your partner is awful.

My youngest DC is now 7 and still doesnt reliably sleep through the night. Can go up to maybe 3 nights max before waking in the night and calling for me. I go straight in, get in the pull out bed & go to sleep. They are back to sleep within 2 minutes of me walking in there.

Just before christmas they woke up every single night for 3 months straight - that was completely tiring for me but I just got on with it.

My DC has no additional needs but is absolutely terrified of being on their own at night. I have no idea why and my much older DC were perfect sleepers from being a baby. Youngest DC has always had trouble sleeping through (was waking up for milk in the night til nearly 2).

Ive worked out that its quicker for me (& them) to get back to sleep by going into their room and just staying there. Ive done absolutely everything to try and get this sorted out. They dont know why they do it other than they are scared when they wake in the night, stickers charts havent worked, shouting/being sad/being proud of them when they sleep through etc havent worked, tiring them out before bed hasnt worked, theyve had the same consistent routine of bath, book & bed with no screens etc since they were tiny and that hasnt helped either. My DH (their dad) never wakes up to hear me being shouted for so generally has a lovely nights sleep (at least 1 of us is!).

I have never shouted at them to go away no matter how irritated or tired I am, not would I shut the door on them and leave them sobbing in their room. They are genuinely scared and you cant just 'scare' someone out of that which is what your partner is trying to do. He is behaving terribly and I would be deeply ashamed that he was my partner (I wouldn't tolerate him behaving like that and we would have split up a long time ago if I were you though).

Im hoping that my DC will eventually grow out of this as I cant see a 15 year old still needing their mum in the middle of the night but until them Im just getting on with it.

The only guaranteed respite I have from this is our annual 2 week holiday in the sun as they will be room sharing with their much older sibling & will sleep through like a perfect angel as they wont be alone. Unfortunately there is no way either of their siblings will allow them to sleep in their room at home though (I have tried!).

Poor you OP.

I agree with most posters. I lean more towards your style. I think some children just need more support. My DD (2.5) is the same. that's just her. I'd love to be in my bed with my husband but at the moment - this is our life and I'm sure I'll blink and she'll be a moody teenager who won't come near me 😂

I'd be upset if my DH behaved this way even though I know he gets frustrated.

Xx

Your child is getting extremely mixed messages so nether yours or DH way is going to work

There’s middle ground when it come to cracking this
compromise need to come from both of you but you seem very my way

All his dad is doing is teaching his son that he doesn’t give a shit about how he’s feeling. I absolutely wouldn’t let anyone treat my child that way, especially his own father.

My daughter is AuDHD, almost 9 and we share a room because she hates sleeping alone. We’ve gone through years of bed sharing but we’ve finally found a solution that works for all of us as my husband is a horrendous sleeper and disturbs me all night. We’re all happy with our arrangement. Though we’re moving house soon so not sure what will happen.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Why is it normal for adults to share a bed but kids are expected to sleep alone? Weird if you ask me.

Why are you living with an abusive bully who terrifies a small child.?

I think some posters have maybe missed the part where it says the child is being so distressed by the man's behaviour, to the point he is lying sweating.
For a traumatised child, nightlights and a hug aren't going to work.

Your partner is a dickhead. Please don't let your son cry it out. He needs reassurance and love. I was terrified of the dark when I was his age and could only sleep under the cover. My parents made me sleep in my own bed and it affected our relationship, I am now LC with them and developed mental health issues (bipolar).

edited to add- this was only part of what my parents did there was a lot of domestic violence that when on.

He's an abusive bully and he needs to sort his shit out - that's a disgusting way to treat a child and I suspect he treats you just as badly

It could be that he is simply afraid and needs reassurance or it could be a sleep disorder such as night frights. If you have not had them yourself ( I still have them, 2 of my children had them) it is impossible to imagine just how frightening it is. If someone shouted at me whilst I was in or just awakening from a fright I would be terrified even as an adult.
it is tiring for parents but whatever the cause your child is not doing it to be naughty. I feel you are 100 percent correct in not wanting to shout.

Your poor little boy, how absolutely awful of his dad to treat him this way.

So sorry to hear this. I've been in a similar situation - my 6 year old wakes up every night and is terrified to be on his own. The compromise we came to (as the sleep deprivation from getting up and having to settle him was killing me) was to put a camp bed in our bedroom next to me. Now in the night he just runs into our room and gets into the bed and goes back to sleep and it's minimum disruption for everyone. I have no idea if this is the 'right' thing to do, or how we are going to get him to stop doing this! But at the moment it seems to be what he needs. I have tried being more strict/trying to force him to stay in his own room but he just gets distressed. I have accepted now he is a sensitive child and I have to adapt my parenting to that! I think your husband needs to do the same.

I wouldn’t tolerate this for one more day. Tell your partner to go sleep on the sofa and let you son come to you when he needs you. Let him co-sleep. He needs connection. Once he feels safe, he will sleep.

I think that it is abusive, and not just to your little boy but to you too. What the hell is he doing trying to hold you hostage when you want to go and comfort your child?

While I understand that you would love to sleep through, and I hope that happens for you soon, I think your method is kind of working. You are resettling him calmly and in a reasonable space of time. It’s not like he is in your room crying for four hours. It’s twenty minutes and he is resettling in his own bed. You’re right and you’re doing well with him. Your partner is a problem.

I could cry for your son. Don’t leave him alone crying in the dark, be the lovely mother you want to be

There’s being firm but reassuring and being cruel and shouting.

saying to a child firmly but reassuringly that there is no burglars, monsters, aliens or whatever else is scary to them and they need to go back to bed is ok, walking them back to their room saying goodnight and returning to bed is fine, being horrible is not fine.

i was a soft touch with dd2 in my room until 7

Check out attachment behavior, safe and nurturing is so much better than anxious or fear based attachment. You can't spoil kids at any age. Behavior changes when they feel safe.

Check out Supernanny she has some great methods for staying in bed and getting them more comfortable. There are some eps with ND children as well.

I feel like also, he's 6 and children are already bombarded with things they need to 'learn'. Maybe he just doesn't need to 'learn' to cope with these fears at this exact moment.

My husbands parents were like this. They had an unkind and unsympathetic approach to everything. He gave up telling them when he was sad, worried, frightened etc. He hid under his bed a lot. There was no physical violence but a lot of shouting and fear. He never dared disagree with anything they said right up until the age of 18 when he moved miles away from them and met me.

They think they did a brilliant job with their kids. Both him and his sibling recently agreed (over a few drinks) that they despise him and resent their mum.

He sees a therapist now, has antidepressants and anxiety...this has become worse now that our children are in primary school and of an age where he clearly remembers childhood. It makes him sad and angry when he looks at his kids as he cannot comprehend ever treating them that way.

His dad was the nasty one but he holds his mum just as responsible for letting it happen. She wasn't scared of him, just followed his rules too. Stick up for your son.

Your six year old is a PERSON. I’m sorry to be harsh but it is unbelievable that you have to check whether his dad’s behavior is ok.

His Dad, when there, “shouts at him to get back to bed. pushes him back into his room. slams our door shut etc etc”

Do you think that’s an acceptable way to treat another person? How would you feel if you asked someone for help and this was their response to you? I’ve no idea what “etc etc” covers in this context but I doubt it’s anything good.

From what you’ve said it does not sound as though this type of behaviour from your partner was a one-time occurrence - or due to some specific and highly stressful incident. More that this is how your partner behaves regularly.

Your partner is abusive and you are not doing enough to protect your child. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy but to leave - but if this is what he is inflicting on your six year old I don’t see how you can imagine you have a choice. if you are worried your son may have additional needs you do not want to leave this and then wait for him to implode as a teen.

If in doubt read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That?

But for God’s sake stop being so passive and take action to show your son that bullying and getting physical with someone is not ok.

As a kid I would get treated like DH does to your son. I would just stay awake all night not sleeping and terrified, but unable to seek support from my parents. As an adult I am not close to them and do not go to them for any support with anything (obviously that was not the only reason, but fitting with their of their general lack of emotional support.) It’s quite normal for ND to have sleep issues and need extra support. Shouting is just going to make him more emotional. It’s only effective in that it stops the child coming out of their room, but does nothing to help the child.

Get rid of your partner. Your son comes first, he's only six and his behaviour is not unusual at that age and he'll outgrow it.

Mine was the same! He will soon be 46 and doesn't do it now :-).

The man sounds horrible.

This is awful and YANBU. From the age of about 9 to 10, I had terrible separation anxiety at night. My parents were so patient with me, sleeping in my room, or I slept in my brother’s room and eventually they weaned me off it by having me sleep with a piece of my mum’s clothing. The process took several months. I used to feel extreme anxiety and terrible sadness as bedtime approached, it was horrible. God only knows how I would have felt it if I had been shouted at and shut in my room. Your partner sounds odious. I don’t know if I could stay with someone like that, although that is easy for me to say! Stick to your guns. Is it possible for you to put a temporary bed in his room and sleep in there and gradually ease yourself out, like my parents did. That way you can all get sleep.you cannot teach a child to be independent, they get it from feeling secure and loved and having their needs met.