To not shout at my child to go back to bed in the middle of the night

Hmmm, so you couldn’t seek comfort from your mum in the night, and now, in your 30s you need a weighted blanket, but it’s done you no harm…..

ok

@Darragon this is absolutely heartbreaking, so sorry you had endure this

"needs more than a nightlight and a hug"

If that's what was garnered from my long ass post on what i've been dealing with for the last 18 years, then i have been seriously minimised. I'd love to know how many of you who were dealing with this with your under 10s are now supporting a young adult through it... Sometimes it is never fixable and you have to do what works for you both. As i said, i have never slept through because of his night issues.

My nearly 19yo son has..
A star projector
A night light
Music
A 'safety plush' that he can't sleep without
Unfettered access to myself/my bedroom at all hours of the day and night.
Lights on the stairs and in the bathroom that are motion sensitive.

Fear of the dark/being alone isn't just worked on AT NIGHT, you have to work on it during the day.

The MOST IMPORTANT thing for any child with anxiety is to make it clear that YOU are their safe space, their safety. You establish that they can always trust you to understand/support/help them, and then you build on that.

DS will never sleep through, at least 2/3 nights of the week he will end up in my room and i will have to take him back to bed, but now if i follow the routine and offer reassurance he will resettle without issue within 10-15 minutes, it's less about fear these days and more about can't sleep/feel sick/anxious about something going on in the day/at school/just needs reassurance.

OP: While your (notsoD)H is scaring the fuck out of him and putting him in that position of fear/anxiety, and neither of you are doing anything constructive to help with his anxiety in the day, this won't get better.

If I had to choose between my child and my husband, it will always be my child and my husband knew that! They’re young for such a short time and it’s our job to make them know they’re loved and safe…your husband’s a dick! I would find that so unattractive in a man and he’d either have to stop treating my child like that or find somewhere else to sleep if he wants interrupted sleep but I am NOT sneaking round in the middle of the night comforting my child so as not to upset the husband! I’d take a bullet for my children, I’d duck if someone fired at my husband 😆

I wouldn't tolerate this...

It’s not “borderline” abusive at all!! It’s full on psychologically and emotionally abusive! You need to change the locks next time he gos on a work trip and tell him to find somewhere else to stay when he comes home

Your DH needs a reality check.

His behaviour is unacceptable and will make things worse. He needs a really good look at himself and how he’s treating a small child.

And getting a ND child back to sleep in their own bed in 20 mins is frankly amazing!! It what many parents strive to achieve. He needs to recognise that you’re managing this really well.

He needs to be aware of other similar children and how well his son is doing in comparison!

DS has co-slept with us for half the night for over 2 years. It is the only way we get any kind of sleep. And even then we have delights of nights like last night…. 4 hours in the middle of the night wide awake, talking nonstop, hyper fixating on characters from different transformers films!! Completely manic.

My DH would have been bloody ecstatic if we managed to get him back to sleep in his room within 20 mins. You’re doing an amazing job!! He’s in the wrong and is being awful.

I think you need to find a middle ground on this, your partner sounds very rigid and a little cruel but on the flip side you sound way too soft. Your DS is 6 not 2 I don't think he needs as much "hand holding" as you give him. (Want and Need are very different things). He needs to learn to self soothe like you do with a baby. Even with additional needs by 6 he should be perfectly capable of going to the loo in the night on his own and going back to bed. I think shouting at him and slamming doors is wrong but also there's no way id be getting up every night and molifying his behaviour.

The problems your son has in terms of his anxiety and trouble with seperation, have probably come from having a angry, un empathetic father.
you’re doing the right thing, you’re looking after your child. I don’t like the sound of your husband at all.

Your partner is an abusive bastard and is bullying your child. If Gina's far to say he is physically abusing him by pushing him forcefully back into his room. It is intimidation and needs to stop

For everyone's sake and safety you need to leave him. Protect your child!!!!!

So this. No man would ever keep me from my child in distress. I would lose so much respect for anyone who put me in that position that it would kill any relationship stone dead.

Oh no - you need to find another way. My ASD dd got into my bed until she was about 7 maybe 8 in the night. They are only little, and they won't do it for ever, let them feel secure. Would a mattress on the floor or a super king-size bed help you as a family?
or a separate bedroom on his own for your partner

I know what you’re saying about doing sleep right.
I have friends who bring their kid back every time.
Let them cry. Be alone. Not allowed into their bed.
I co-slept my DS. I loved being in my parents bed.
There’s no right or wrong, IMO. Just your own way!

Imagine how your son felt, frightened and pushed by grown man (someone who should love him) back into the place he’s scared of.

I know I couldn’t do what you did.

Years later my then widowed mother had an alarm that would get in touch with me should she need it.

I get a phone call from the alarm operator at about 03:00am telling me mum's alarm had gone off. Long story short she'd accidentally set it off in her sleep. She shouted at me when I arrived (me expecting to meet her fallen down somewhere) saying that she hadn't asked to be woken up in the middle of the night & told me to piss off.

After that she didn't wear her alarm because she didn't want me to be called in in the early hours - despite me saying that was the purpose of the alarm & I was happy to do it.

Unfortunately she had a fall in her bathroom in the early hours. I didn't find her until I went to check on her at lunchtime the following day.

She was taken into hospital & then a care home where she died 3 weeks later.

I can't help thinking that, if she'd been more amenable to accepting help, if she'd have live longer.

She was always a feisty independent person & maybe just as well that she died being that way?

My DH is doing bedtime tonight.
He’s not able to be calm, there will be drama.
No patience at all for DS…
It’s totally needless. Yeah, he’s tired.
He goes on worse than a toddler.
It’s why I do it 90% of the time…

Your ds is possibly neurodiverse and he is 6. Not 16 or 26 - he is still a very young child.

you are giving him reassurance and that is clearly what he needs

I feel so sad and upset about what I just read. Your partner is utterly horrible and that is just no way to treat a young child

some babies sleep through, some don’t, some dcs sleep through - some don’t - you parent the child you have, not someone else’s

Please keep reassuring your ds and helping him find ways of settling himself back to sleep and also need to find a way of addressing this with your partner.

someone higher up suggested the “super nanny” way of dealing with this - before I was a parent I thought this was such a good way to handle kids

as a parent of a ds who is ND (but only recently diagnosed) those ways would never have worked for him, but other ways have worked. He was the first baby at baby group to sleep through at 6 weeks - and one of the easiest babies and toddlers - but it hasn’t always been plain sailing since then

a night light might be a good idea for night time but also he needs you to help him settle please don’t leave him to cry like that again - he’s not naughty - he’s struggling with being on his own - let your partner be by himself & go look after your ds

I wish you well with everything

You are reinforcing his anxiety by affirming he has something to be anxious about. I would work with him on very slowly getting used to be alone for short periods in the house and garden. And working to find other ways he can handle anxiety at night e.g. favourite cuddly soft toy, breathing exercises. It would be a slow process. but I would not just be ignoring his anxiety by reassuring him.

No one, especially my DH would keep me away from my crying child. I'm really sorry hes making you act against your gut instinct. Your child will remember this (whether consciously or not) and it will affect them. Please go to your son next time, he is obviously scared

YABU because you know it's wrong and he's making your son unhappy but you are continuing the relationship.