Family problems making me want to move

Just be sure that if you set this boundary now, your dh will stick to it. If he's going to help them later on even if it means driving hours back from wherever you move to, then think about whether moving actually helps you.

In other words, if you're going to say no you will not be available to help, then don't be available to help - ever. Otherwise you could end up with the worst of both worlds - still with your dh having caring responsibilities he hasn't quite managed to shed completely, but now from a distance, which could take him away from you for long periods. If he doesn't want to shed those responsibilities completely, then honestly I would think about whether you're better off accepting that fact and staying where you are.

I can see from this thread I'm unusual in that I'm used to each partner taking the primary caring responsibility for their own parents - there was absolutely no question of it being my job to care for FIL or dh's job to care for my parents. We just supported each other in the background. Part of that support was managing the transition to a care home for one of them when appropriate, and the only arse wiping was a bit of help in the very final stages of a terminal illness for one of them.

With those boundaries firmly in place, elderly relatives being local was only an advantage, but I can see if you haven't got those it might feel different.

Rather than discuss with their adult kids what help they wanted as they got older they decided to move to your area. They want family help as they age and possible care to keep them out of a nursing home. Even now his parents are not getting involved in groups in the local area and building up their own friends group. They had to be told not to call to you unannounced.

They have shown no consideration for you or your husband. Your a married couple with 2 small kids. In reality how could you or him stop working and provide long term aged care when you have a mortgage, bills and 2 small kids to bring up?

Now you have found out that the sibling with a mental illness is planning to move to your area.

Of course they think that you and your husband are going to provide care to them all when things start to go wrong. You need to tell your husband this and tell him straight out that you both need to make plans and it now time to look for better job opportunities elsewhere. He needs to consider what best for him you and his kids now because your not going to care for his parents or become there taxi service. Nor are you going to deal with his sibling when they have a mental health crisis because you know they are planning to move to your area.

You need to fight now for what's best for you and your kids and that does not include staying in the area for elderly care and caring for a sibling with mental health problems.

One friend of mine ended up looking after her mother for weeks due a health issue a few months ago. Her mother has some cognitive decline. My friend siblings did as little as possible to help out. She told one friend in particular about this and asked their advice. This friend had cared for an elderly parent said to her change jobs and get more hours because otherwise she will be left doing a lot of care later on.
My friend is currently looking for a new job and has keeping quiet about this fact.
She will move once the right job comes up.

This is dangerous tertitory because it becomes You vs Them and your dh has "to pick sides"

Ideally you want to position it so you are on your DHs team and its not a game of tug of war.

I'd honestly recommend couples therapy to help navigate it...

It's not clear from your posts what exactly they are expecting from you, so difficult to say whether YABU or not.

If they need support as they get older, is there any reason you and your husband wouldn't want to help them? I know Western culture is different but it is still quite common to help care for elderly parents to varying extents. Why wouldn't you / your husband?

Do they want to spend more time with your family and DC specifically? If so, why is that a negative thing?

Because he would rather harm your relationship than upset his siblings. The same ones who don't visit now and won't when his parents need care.

This sort of crap harms children too.

I would move if it was what l wanted and if finances allowed. If not, then l would dig in for the long haul. Sky high boundaries, not being at their beck and call. Maybe husband rings or text them once a month? Give them zero head space or energy. Don't let them make you be their carers and make clear to professionals you aren't getting involved

Maybe read the thread on here about people feeling lonely now most of their family have died?

Op how is your relationship with your own family?

Deep down, you probably feel like you’re not supporting your H, but he is the one who is fearful of putting his boundaries down incase his siblings fall out with him. It’s him, who will be expected to care for them, you have stepped back and made it clear, you won’t be manipulated to cater to their expectations.
You can sympathise with him, when he is run ragged, it’s his choice not to want to speak up, just stay back and don’t get angry when he’s forever at their beck or call. This isn’t your monkey, not your circus.

Am I right in thinking that they expected to move near you and all of a sudden you'd be at their beck and call? Calls to pick this up and bring it to them, come and fix this and that, etc.

The reality is that you have a hound family to look after and they are your priority. I'd tell your DH he's free to help them as much as he pleases but I would make it clear that you won't be helping and that your family can't suffer because of it.

Same with your BIL, your children will not be subjected to his MH, any care expected will fall to your H. He won’t be moving in with you or children, when he gets ill. You won’t be running around taking them to appointments or looking after them if they are sick. You are a mother with young kids, they are you priority and everything will be falling on his shoulders. You don’t care what his siblings say or think, if they get so concerned with parent’s and brother’s needs, they will have to take responsibility of them.

You knew they would cause hassle, told them you were uncomfortable with it, they chose to ignore that and did it anyway. Hope they are happy in their new neighbourhood, no reason at all why you should stay there. I'd move.

🤣🤣🤣

It is JUST like I have seen this before

Good for you going NC. You are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

If you are NC then you are in the clear(ish) as long as you dont get sucked back in... the danger zone is your DH because as the demands increase more and more of his time and energy will be taken up with this and will it still impacts you and drains the family unit but its even more annoying because you have no control over it!!!

Like I said difficult situation...

You have every right to choose how much involvement you want with them, their expectations are their problem. If your H is worried about putting his boundaries down, then let him deal with their expectations and deal with them. It’s his siblings he is worried about falling out with if he doesn’t cater to his parents needs, his problems!
You tell your H that it’s all too much for you, it’s making you feel like moving away, that your priority is your children and he has to deal with his parents alone.

I'd be very reluctant to move due to costs BUT also very reluctant to stay due the implications of arse wiping and running g around dealing with BILs mental health crisises.

What makes it REALLY difficult is if you do what you should which is say "fuck this for a game of soldiers" you risk a LC/NC situation with his family and all of a sudden you are the villian in this terrible tale... not the inlaws or your husband 🙄

Fyi your husband has IMO handled this abysmally and "failed" you and your children by not effectively tackling it pre move.
Its actually your DHs problem which he let become yours by his failure to handle.his business.
Its not you posting online trying to solve this....not him.

Because when you and he are running errands / doing hospital apps / paperwork blah blah blah it takes away from you but it also takes away from your kids.

With that in mind id have a 3 pronged strategy.

1. Sit down with DH and ask him what life will really look like for you in a decade? How does HE see it unfolding? And I'd be challenging any fanciful happy endings he presents
2. Decide if what you've got now is worth clinging to or you should cut loose and abandoned ship (only you know the realities of this) I'd make this decision solo not with your DH
3. If you decide to move (most.likely outcome imo) do with necessaries and start the process quietly. If you want to stay be very clear on what you need to do yourself and what you need your dh to do. And I'd be prepared to revisit.

If you think you want to move its going to be much better for everyone to do it now while kids are small / not in school.

I'd move because otherwise you will be their carer.

For so many families this defaults to the woman and your husband's family won't be seen for dust (but they'll have time to criticise you).

They are all being selfish, your husband included.

You sound like you never liked his family in the first place.

How did you get on with them to start with?