Family problems making me want to move

If you moved away, not only would you lose your mums help and care with children, living near to her, your H would be vilified for abandoning his parents.
Then you have the problem of, they may decide to move, to be closer to you again.

Your H will get the backlash either way from family, they are more than happy for him to feel obligated and guilted into being their parents carer as it doesn’t fall to them.

Just because you are putting your children’s needs first, not getting roped in to please his parents or jumping when in laws click their fingers, you are still being supportive to H. Someone has to put the children first and that’s you.

What exactly do they ask you to do and how often? Do they do anything for you?

I would stay put, you have your mum nearby and you are settled. If you moved, there is nothing stopping your in laws moving near again.
You have to keep firm with the boundaries, you have a busy life bringing your children up and don’t allow any expectations or demands fall onto you.
They are your H family and siblings, it’s on him to deal with them, if your mum got ill, it would be you caring for her. In those circumstances, the children still need one of their parents to see to their needs.
They obviously thought they would see GC whenever they liked and have you and H running errands, continuously at there beck and call. That you would both care for them when they can’t look after themselves. When they realise that isn’t going to happen, they might decide to move closer to another adult children!

Would they have not got to a point were they could be of help? Did your DH ever put it to them that family help is a two way street? How do you manage to fit your Mum in, when you are so busy?

I would echo those posters who say to leave this to your DH. You love your home, your own mum is near. Why would you move?

Just be clear to your DH that making time for his parents is down to him. If you find they are calling you too often, consider blocking them for periods when you don’t want to deal with them, or set up Do not Disturb. Do not let your DH’s FOG become yours too.

While you don’t want to cause a schism with your DH, do tell him that you are concerned that his parents, and brother are going to need help, which you are not going to provide. Be clear with him where your boundaries are.

It is not easy, I know. But sticking to low contact will help .

Some of the replies on this thread explains the higher divorce rate, and depression between the Western world and the Eastern and African worlds …….

and then there are theads on people complaining parents don’t help with childcare …..

bonkers

Just stick to fortnightly vists for a hour or two, if they complain “why dont you join the church/local volunteering to meet some new people? We are very busy unfortunately we did warn you before we moved that we wouldnt be able to come round that often.” Rinse & repeat.

OP, if your location and mother nearby suit you then I think your focus needs to be your husband and marriage.
Just spell it out to him that you are not going to be in any way involved with his family and if he wants to allow that to destroy his family with you and marriage, then that is on him.
Do not bend.
You have your mother and she soumds more loyal than your husband.

Fundamentally this is about you not budging one inch.
His relationship with his family is his alone.
He can bring the children to visit his parents, but you will not be involved.

Of course he wants you doing his emotional load with his parents and brother.
So what if they don't like you or are pissed off with you, who cares? You aren't going to be around them.

His brother, his issue.
Don't give them your phone number.
Keep telling your husband I have the children and my own family to support, I am not getting involved with yours.

Moving doesn't sound like it is in your best interests if you have your mum nearby.

You know you can just refuse to engage with your husband on this subject.
Don't ask about his family, don't have an opinion, no questions about them.

But be prepared that he may get quite nasty with you when he realises you are not moving an inch on this.

You need to cease to care what his family think about you at all.
It is not your business.
Focus on your boundaries with them and not moving an inch on the subject.

I can see from this thread I'm unusual in that I'm used to each partner taking the primary caring responsibility for their own parents - there was absolutely no question of it being my job to care for FIL or dh's job to care for my parents.

@EveryNowAndThen That’s how it is with us too. I support my elderly Dad (I’m an only) and I won’t be getting involved when DH and his siblings need to provide more support for their parents. Luckily they don’t need much yet, although DH does a few things for them.
We’re not on bad terms with either side, we just divide and conquer!

@Pineapple1826 In your shoes, I’d honestly let your DH/siblings deal with his parents and you plan to help your Mum when she needs it. This includes seeing your children - can’t your DH take them over to their grandparents for the odd visit? Not everything has to be a joint effort.

The problem is, they could just follow you.

I think DH is unreasonable bringing siblings into it. Why will they be upset? Because more of the burden will fall on them?

Can you bring your mother in on the issue, could she move too?

Perhaps she'd cheer you on for moving when she realises their plans to turn you into their gopher and carer and how much their presence is stressing you, and how little support you are getting from your dh.

I understand, but I think the only way to avoid constant future struggles, hassles, messages and demands is to make sure you are just not available and are too far away for anyone to just drop by or insert themselves easily in your life.

Your parents in law sound entitled and have deliberately ensured you are within their easy reach.

You said "It seems like they cannot accept now or for the future that I didn’t want such close involvement and that for as long as they are near us, that expectation will remain for how they wished/continue to hope things turn out. They are getting older with some health issues and I fear that the incompatible expectations will create more tension in time to come."

So if you don't move, what is your plan to prevent them harassing you and making your life difficult, since your husband doesn't have your back and his siblings are also on board with his pushy parents?

He should definitely have your back. YOU are his family, first and foremost, his wife and children come first, unless you were being extremely unfair and you are absolutely not.

Moving would definitely solve much of this. And never forget, if your husband has so little loyalty to you now there's no reason to think he'll step in when they try to make you shoulder his and his siblings' responsibilities. As the comment above says, you are being lined up for this.

I'd move, and fast.

OP, even the nicest of husbands can quietly line up their wives to look after their parents and be stunned when the push back is non negotiable.

I have seen it many times with friends and even they were surprised at their lovely husbands thinking they would be happy to help out.

Even though their husbands had never been troubled by their families.

My friends said absolutely not happening.
None of them were close and where there were only sons, they were told to get organised as it was nothing to do with their wives.

With careers and young children, looking after their own birth families, they were certainly not taking on the load with the in laws.

You are being lined up by your in laws and probably your BIL.

Your husband doesn't sound as if he has much loyalty to you, so you need to be very firm on this.
His family, his issue.
But you have no wish to be involved.
That IS your choice to make.

This can bring tensions to a relationship.
A decade ago my childless friend was moving house and quite by accident learnt that her husband had told his sister that his aging mother might move in with them into their new house, and they might convert the large detached garage for her.

He hadn't mentioned this to his wife! It explained how excited he was about the garage though.
They were taking on a much larger morgage buying this house, using a large inheritance of hers.
With this information she told him she had changed her mind and she didn't want to move.
He was very upset and things became very tense.

She never let on that she knew about his mother.
She got legal advice and was told not to put her inheritance into a marital asset.
As soon as she received it she invested wisely.
Within 12 months they had separated.
She no longer trusted him.
They sold their house and went their separate ways, despite him wanting to stay together.
She absolutely felt that she was being lined up by the golden so, to mind mummy.

She has never remarried, but is in a long term relationship with a lovely guy she met in her tennis club.

I think the advice to move for a positive reason is a good one, though its awful to have to if you love where you live.

Well if you move as far away from PILS as the other siblings live, they can hardly complain!!!

Once every 2-3 weeks I would drop DP at his mum's whilst I got on with 'jobs' . These jobs could be shopping etc or just lying in the bath. She had him for at least three hours to do bits and pieces. I'd go to collect him and usually stay for 20 minutes or so. If she was being really annoying we'd have to leave straight away because I needed to 'get stuff in the freezer'. Worked well for me.

Glad its helpful.

As an fyi...You will be very unlikely to help him navigate this on his own and he clearly doesnt have the tools himself...

Whether its solo or joint he will probably need an external party to "facilitate" his "journey or realisation" or whatever therapists are billing it as now...

You can support H decision but not involve yourself in running round after them. If he does all that they expect, he’s going to be very tired, sympathise with him but do not involve yourself in their expectations.
If you get asked to clear the diary, so they can see the children, when it’s only convenient for them, let them know you are busy and to ask H to take kids over.
He may find it too much for him, he might try to deflect some of the load onto you, you stand back and let him get on with it.
If he’s ill, they don’t get any help that week, same as when you go on holiday.

Allegedly...
You should centre it on what DH wants and you supporting him with what he wants but he needs to disentangle what he feels he should do or must do because of FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and work out truly how he wants things to be.

Easy to say... hard to do.
Hence my recommendation for some therapy. I think your husband has some leg work to do here tbh.

That's approx 1.5k of free therapy right there.
You're welcome!!! 🤣