Family problems making me want to move

I honestly don’t think your H will be able to cater to their needs in later years, he is working full time and won’t be able to devote all his time after work to them. He will go home for meals, see your children and may only have an hour or two left before bed.
I think their plans are totally unrealistic and as they have pushed you so far you’ve had to go NC, it must be apparent to them. They are not getting their own way at all, I would insist if BIL comes down, he stays with his parents, you can’t have him refusing to leave if he has another MH crisis.

Please explain about hd siblings more
Are they local too?
Do they help out?

OP, this really reminds me of the way my parents communicate with us. When I talk frankly, they get upset. When I want to make some improvements, they always say no and assume that their way is right. That’s because everyone else in the culture is like that and when they are more reasonable and respectful, they lose out. Eastern cultures are low-trust cultures where everyone is out to get you.

It’s essentially a gaslighting culture where you are always right and everyone else is wrong. You’re upset, it’s because of someone else’s fault. It’s quite toxic.

In our culture, if your parents don’t approve of the person you want to marry (because of something trivial like skin colour, religion or the fact that someone is adopted) then you don’t talk about it, it’s simply forbidden and that’s that. So instead, you elope. Your mother pretends to be distraught in front of friends and relatives and vows to disown you. It’s all a performance. But they secretly couldn’t care less or even feel happy for you. A year later, everything is fine and everyone has moved on and welcomed your husband into the family. And those are the moderate or liberal people. The really nasty ones who are genuinely tyrannical and super-conservative do bad things like disowning you for real, kidnapping you and forcing you to divorce or engaging in honor based violence.

Having given you the context of your husband’s parents culture, I hope to arm you with some tactics for dealing with your in laws.

If you want to move, then do it. And then get your husband to tell his siblings just how just how difficult your PILs were and how hard it was for your family and that the children suffered so much because of the tension it caused in the house. Do the same thing they do. In their culture, there’s no shame in stooping to your PIL’s level. It’s simply how you survive. Also, instead of being genuinely kind, you can perform kindness and they will be equally happy with that kind of attention. For example, you can move away, then be kind in a superficial way like giving them presents.

@Pineapple1826 It sounds as if they’re unhappy people who are leaning on you and your DH to “fix” things for them, I.e., make them happier and their lives easier. It’s an impossible expectation.

I still that that your DH needs to deal with them and you stay out of this shit show. And never let his brother stay with you again!

💯 aware of how unhinged it is 😅
All of this has stopped and is very much in the past now.

Surprise! Relations arent the best with the inlaws these days but I stopped giving a shit / toeing the line and smiling tightly a loooooong time ago.

Now they have stopped treating us like walking ATMs and occasionally buy us a meal...
I do what suits me for the most part but do try and be a bit nice / fake it from time to time for my DH and find a (very) little bit of goodwill goes a long way.

Why should OP want to be in the middle of a shit marriage.

OP, they sound like absolute users who know exactly what they are doing.
They are 100% about their needs and what is best for them.
Your BIL moving into your home with a mental health crisis is absolutely batshit entitled.
You are 100% right to protect yourself against people who clearly couldn't care less about you.
My advice is make it clear to your husband that this issue could cost him his marriage and mean it.
Frankly no man nor marriage is worth the bullshit caring that some women tolerate.

@Lafufu both you and your husband have zero boundaries to have tolerated what you did, people using your home twice uninvited?
Do you really not realise how unhinged this is?

Just because the OP hasn't had quite that level does not mean she is completely justified in not accepting their behaviour.

Having a BIL foisted on you with a MH crisis, when you have a newborn is frankly unhinged IMO.

OP, stay strong.
His parents care only for what they want.
They want a carer for them and their son.
Divorce is preferable IMO.
Don't let that be your life.

I'm going to be super honest...

My experiences of this are things like

DH Being expected to pay for birthday dinners for x 8 people for fil, mil, bil and his own birthday. Also expectations to send flowers to mil and take pil out for their wedding anniversary 🤷🏻‍♀️ these meals were all £100 a head type affairs.

DH and Being expected to give £100+ gifts every birthday and Christmas when id had 2 mat leaves in 3 years and being critised and guilted heavily for trying to scale it back.

Being expected to travel 4 hours each way to see them at least once a month for an entire weekend so leaving 6pm Friday returning home 10/11pm sunday. Tears if we tried to leave after breakfast or lunch on sunday...

Being used as a literal taxi service when we visited

Having PILs invite visitors to stay in our home without asking then crying hysterically when we said no and DH Being guilted into agreeing (this happened twice 🙈)

Dh doing a 10 hr round trip drive to drop BIL home from an airport during covid because he didnt "fancy the train" or an internal flight.

When FIL died, MIL and BIL went thorough all his things BIL took a rolex and omega and all the gold jewlery. my dh was given a broken 1950s omega worth max £500 and offered any of his dead fathers shoes he might want (they arent the same size also ... shoes 🤮). Dh then on his own (with my help) had to sort of dispose of all his things as mil "couldnt face it" and bil fucked off somewhere...

Key details changed to protect the innocent ie. Me

So when your best example is your MIL making a comment about feeding a cat... it is really isnt the horror show I was expecting 🤣🤣🤣

What have they actually done wrong? You say there are 'unsaid expectations' and the only example you give of any behaviour is that they asked to see their grandchildren when they moved near you. I'm really struggling to see what the issue is with them that makes you want your DH and DCs to not have a relationship with them.

Don't bring up the enmeshed family as they are Asian!
You are working, bringing children up with no spare time, end of.
I would use the excuse when he wants to take children round, that you barely see children as it is as you're working and want to spend quality time with them. I would say, oh I was about to take the kids to the park or go visit someone with kids etc.

Ahhh OP I think you have to be balanced here.
Its reasonable to foster a relationship with locally living GPs.

They are "takers" and its a one way street with them... okay but unless they are actively harmful / racist / Andrew tate loving / violent / criminal people you should allow you DH to facilitate a relationship between DC and GP.

A few hours every or two week isnt doing anything to anyone at their ages. Also you get a break...

Pp is right that there is probably a level of enmeshment at play.

Your husband is a people pleaser, he has been brought up to cater to his mum and not rock the boat. The problem is, that no matter how much you try to please, there is always someone you displease. He knows if he put you and children first, he will get raged at and if he puts his parents first, he risks losing you.
Unless he goes to therapy, he will be stuck in this cycle. I suggest looking up enmeshed family’s, where people shape their children to feel shame about having their own needs and wants, that only the adults needs are to be met and the affect on them. I also think your BIL’s MH problems stems from their childhood, maybe he was the scapegoat, that he dared voice his feelings and was punished till he let finally was rid of autonomy.
You need to sit down with H, tell him he comes from an enmeshed family, sympathise and tell him he needs help. Tell him, he can jump through every hoop his mum creates but you won’t allow your children to be used as a bargaining tool to appease his mum. That your children will not be forced into the role of a people pleaser and you will die on that hill, if need be! You’re not asking him to choose but you won’t be allowing any manipulation to spoil your babies childhood. That he has to tell his mum, you and kids are busy and when it suits you all, he can take them round.

I'm not even sure I understand this thread or whatever OP is saying. What I am taking from it is that PILs moved closer to their son because they are old and need help? And OP is not happy with this for whatever reason (I don't undertand the reason, but it seems selfish). And the people here are telling her to run away.

Now, I am not British, so there might be a cultural difference here, as we generally look after our elderly parents where I come from. Yes, it's a little inconvienient, but that's the right thing to do (in my mind). I don't understand this modern Western selfishness - isn't it the main cause of solitude in the old age here? I've seen quite a few pensioners here living alone in their flats and dying alone, totally abandoned by their families (I used to live in a block of flats and witnessed this). It's just so, so sad.

I would advise OP to think about her old age and how she would feel if her children are acting like this when she is old. And finally, since they are her PILs, I would say, they are rather her DH's problem and his siblings' and not hers. I would stand back in her shoes and wouldn't whisper any negative things about them into my DH's ear - I think doing that is really horrible! It should be his decision about the level of involvement he wants to have.

There are threads about stopping wife work, read through them and get inspired! Don’t move away from your own life.

Given you have your mum nearby and you are happy with your location, I would not move. I would try to get to a dynamic of ‘supporting’ husband rather than a me vs. them dynamic by dropping the opposition to the current situation but I would have a frank conversation that it is my parents = my problem, his parents and family = his problem and make it crystal clear all care needs will be on him and his siblings, not me. Then stick to it. I would sympathise, emphasise but not do. I’d be crystal clear he chose this and if he wants it to stop, he must choose that also. I would visit them in a regular slot - maybe once every fortnight for a few hours for a catch up and then that’s it. Ideally, all communication should go directly to your husband, not you. Start to train them now. Any comms not relating to your regular slotted visit - redirect. ‘We were wondering if you have time to pop to the shops for us’. - Im not sure what the plans are - please check with DH. Let him come to the realisation himself that a change is needed and then you can work together.

You need to stay put, let your H learn for himself that he needs to speak up. He will be juggling work, home life and his parents, he will get to the point, he says to his family that he can’t keep it up. It has to come to the point, his parents decide they aren’t getting what they expected and move. They can throw shade at you all they want, but just keep up, like a broken record, that you’re too busy!