Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

Maybe it does depend on where you live & how you grew up because in my family/friend/neighbour circle, popping in is still very much the norm and I’d probably wonder if a friend was bringing the King with them if they called or text in advance to arrange a visit 😂 but that said, none of us are bothered if the house isn’t perfectly tidy, everybody not perfectly dressed etc so it really doesn’t matter to any of us. Lots of my friends/family & actually neighbours come in and pop the kettle on themselves and wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest about helping put shopping away so I do think that’s probably the difference.

Sorry posted wrong place

Yes, times have changed.
In my childhood, random friends and neighbours used to knock once, open the door and shout "Hellooo!...Joannaaaa?!" through the front door then just step inside, wait for my mum to appear and make them a cuppa then spend 30 minutes chatting. It wasn't rude then, it was how the community worked and kept everyone in touch with each other's gossip news.

Different approach and expectations these days. There are community WhatsApps and Facebook pages to keep people up to date and people have less time.
I wonder if community spirit is still as strong as it used to be?

I know it's not the social norm to just visit.
But I do get secretly delighted when we have a surprise visitor. It's usually a neighbour or friend.

I only go unannounced to neighbours and to a few friends who also have an open door policy.

I would not answer the door even if I knew they knew I was in.

I remember my mum frickin losing it on a couple of Sunday mornings because an elderly neighbour would just appear about 8am for a cup of tea and a chat. (She'd lose it when she saw him approaching, not to his face) We were all always still in PJs with cereal bowls lying around! This was mid 1990s and seemed very weird then, let alone now, though he must've just been very lonely.

Someone rang on our door 3 hours early for my son's birthday party once (when i was trying to get him to nap..) and expected to be invited in and just wait and drink tea till the party started. I nearly lost my shit.

I come from a culture where unexpected guests are always welcomed. Gradually that has watered down to calling beforehand, which is much better for me as it gives us time to get the house in order.

I think expectations have also increased. Years ago unexpected guests would be given a cup of tea and biscuits but this has snowballed into impromptu meals and Deliveroo takeaways.

What a palaver. Friends dropping by is lovely. Give the DD 2 minutes to go and change and shut the dogs up. Put the coffee on. You sound immensely hard work to me.

OP, you were perfectly reasonable. I can’t bear people who turn up unannounced. Stick to your boundaries - or be trampled on!

I find this attitude so strange and honestly till I'd been on mumsnet I'd never heard before of people not opening the door or answering the door or turning visitors away and wonder how many people I've offended but just dropping in.

To be honest I rarely just drop in on people and would normally call or text first. Unless it's in laws.

But if someone just turned up at mine, I'd welcome them in, they'd get a cup of tea and I'd say 'excuse the mess' - if there was a mess. It's basic hospitality.

It's sheer bad manners. I wouldn't even answer next time OP! Or just say you don't like people coming round unannounced.

I grew up in a northern culture of people dropping in on each other. Neighbours, friends... everyone did it, and our house would be buzzing with people at times

When I left uni and got my first job, I moved to the Southeast, made friends among my colleagues etc, and continued to do just drop in unannounced (and stay too long 😳). It took an uncomfortable amount of time for me to realise that it wasn't the done thing here! I'm still mortified 45 years on!

My priority in this particular situation would be my daughter’s feelings, so I’m with you OP.
More generally, times have simply changed (at least in my circles) and I don’t think just dropping in is the done thing these days. A quick message to check if someone is free takes all of two seconds.

So you really don't get why someone would like to know if someone is coming? You don't understand they could be doing something in the house, sleeping, having sex etc?

That is unforgiveable behaviour. What did you say to him when you opened the door? I hope it was 'fuck off'.

its absolutely fine to turn up unannounced - it isn't rude to turn up without contacting whoever it is.

I don't get the angst about wanting people to tell you they're coming.

YANBU. There’s only one reason people do this, and it’s not because they think it’s “friendlier” or “more sociable” than asking in advance if you’re free. It’s because they think people will be too polite to tell them it’s not convenient and to bugger off perhaps call at an agreed time instead. They want to come in and will shame you into it if necessary!

saw them having a good ole nosey on the ring camera.

Colour me amazed…

Being "family or a very close friend" makes no difference. It's rude for anyone to call around without prior arrangement, and I don't know anyone who would do that. It's also just not very practical!

Times have moved on. In the past drop ins were more accepted. There is now technology in place to message ahead and easily indicate you are going to visit or ask if a visit is welcome. People are more insular in general these days (whether this is a good or bad thing I don’t know) but it’s really out of date to just turn up. Women are now mostly in the work force - home hours undisturbed to relax and also get everything done before going back to work are precious. YANBU - and you told them the first time to check before turning up. Also doesn’t sound like the visit was necessary.

Perfectly normal to drop by, also perfectly normal not to be invited in when do that if it’s not convenient. Or to be invited in and stand in kitchen to chat while person also gets on with what they’re doing.

(If it’s an issue to you, explain it clearly. Mentioning that if phone first next time can tell you if we’ll be there isn’t making it clear. It’s just a suggestion to avoid inconvenience. If they don’t feel inconvenienced by you being out then that message means nothing).

Depends how close friends they are. If my best friends turned up and the house was a mess I know they would give two shits. But anyone else I absolutely hate it when people do that! I think leaving them on the doorstep will probably send that message loud and clear!!

Well handled OP.
Absolutely no way that I would like that.
IMO it's very rude.
Next time don't go outside at all and prime your husband.
This is why people love "fxxk off gates"😁

How things have changed since I was a kid. ‘Please call in by appointment only’.