Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

What a palaver. Friends dropping by is lovely.

But you know OP doesn’t feel like this - otherwise she wouldn’t have started the thread! So what’s the point of your comment?

I don’t understand why people who think it’s fine to “pop in” are so keen for others to have this policy too. Why can’t you just welcome uninvited guests in your home, whilst still accepting that others don’t want that? What does it actually cost you to send someone a text asking “Okay if I pop by on my way back from Tesco later?” What do you gain by not doing it?

I always make arrangements to visit people (which isn’t very often, apart from my son). I wouldn’t dream of just turning up at someone’s house. I made it quite clear to someone I’ve known since school that I don’t like random visits. She’s the opposite; she likes it. That’s fine. We are different. She’s still done it to me a few times. Knowing I don’t like it. It’s bloody-mindedness and the disrespect of my boundaries. “Oh she won’t mind because it’s me”. I do mind. Piss off.

I was a child in the '60s and '70s and in those days people did just drop in.

I recall my late husband commenting that when he lived in Aberdeenshire, dropping in was the norm, but he found that things were very different in the central belt.

They're rude, you're right, they're wrong.

First time was not great, but mabye just a bit clueless. But the second time they'd been told and chose to ignore it.

And anyone "popping round" on a Sunday morning better have a history with you and know for a fact you are good with that.

The usual pretenders on here will act as though not having your front door open to uninvited guests is weird. It's not. There were always a few people who would do this, but even in the 80s it was NOT standard behaviour outside of soap operas. I do not remember a single time I just turned up at anyone's doorstep without prior discussion or a phone call, except for my gran on a couple of occasions.

And these days it is very definitely normal to contact people BEFORE you turn up, you could be having sex, lying around in your underwear or whatever the hell else you feel like doing in your own home.

They were trying to get into your home by forcing the issue rather than offering you the choice. It's great you rebuffed the cheeky fuckers.

It doesn’t bother me when people come round without notice but I am aware that other people do care (my mum, for example) so I give notice to others

I'm with you OP. Fresh of the back of in-laws turning up 1.5hrs early for a BBQ yesterday while i was still out getting stuff, and then having to get myself, the house and the food ready with MIL shadowing me, wanting to help, getting in the way and needing coaxing through everything. I did say 'if you'd let us know you'd be early we might have been ready' resulting in blank stares of disbelief.

I think it comes down to how precious time is. If your free time is abundant and you desire more social interaction, a pop-in is lovely. If it isn't-and mine is measured out in teaspoons- a pop-in robs you.

Yes this is my mil apart from it’s not fine. She wants us to act like it’s fine but will then pass comment on everything then wonders why I don’t want her in my house.

Oh that’s a lot of boxes, oh just washed up have you drainers looking full, you just have so much stuff, the children have a lot of toys don’t they, oh another pet, that needs dusting, what a big ironing pile.

She never comes on the days the house is showtime standard nope only the hectic days.

It's wildly rude to just drop by.

Call first to set up a time to visit.

Why? Any reason. Many people work. Many people work from home. They might be getting ready for something. They might want to have a quiet day without rude people just dropping on by to waste their time. They might have a telehealth appointment or online class scheduled. They might be in the middle of something like cooking that can't be interrupted. They might be sick. They might be taking a mental health day. They might be having sex. They might be exercising.

I agree wholeheartedly with you OP. I think it’s rude. Especially in this day and age where you just fire off a message saying ‘be round in half hour’.

I loathe people popping round. I would repeatedly say ‘Next time ping me a text to let me know you’re coming, I only need half hour notice.’ Keep saying it.

What was the question they needed to ask and that you’d already texted about? Was it:

Them: Can we pop around later?
You: No, we’re busy.

The worst is people who insist it’s fiiiiine if your house is a bit of mess and it’s fiiiine if you’re not dressed etc. It’s not fine if I say it’s not fine!!

No it's not something i consider. Where i live your friends and family just give a quick knock as they come in, no one waits on the door being answered.

I don't know anyone in real life who says call before you visit.

My best mate can come and go unannounced because we have a pre-arranged mutual "let yourself in" policy.
Anybody else can forget it.

My ex husband does it (obviously when the kids are here) and it drives me insane. He will not be told.

On Saturday he did it when we were getting ready for a party for my dd - which he was invited to so he knew about it. Who turns up at someone’s house (with a toddler) when they know they’re getting ready for a party? Or at all!

Then the next day he came to get something he’d leant us when we were out - if he’d sent a message in advance he’d have known we were out!!

I think the issue here is that OP had already told these particular people to message ahead and they didn’t so I guess that’s on them. You can’t just expect people to fall into line with your personal ways as that’s rather selfish and entitled behaviour!

Well, it's your husband’s friend, so he should be dealing with it.

But anyway, no, YANBU. I actually don't mind being dropped in on, but no one does it; even my upstairs neighbour/friend will text and say, 'Can I pop down in 5 minutes?'
The first time, you told them to call next time and they didn't. That's rude of them, so I wouldn't worry about coming across as rude yourself or them being unimpressed.
If it comes up the next time you see them, say pleasantly, 'I mentioned this, but we need a bit of warning so we can all get ourselves together.' with a smile.

Says a lot about me that sex is the first thing I think of on these threads - especially when people talk about visitors turning up unannounced on a weekend morning...

Nah everyone can ram it. I live in chaos it would only upset them to see.

I hate people dropping in unexpectedly but if any of my (very small) family did it, I would be delighted. I would be delighted because I love them, because they would have had to make a huge effort to get here and because they would be doing it to give me a lovely surprise.

Bloody hell!
The weirdos are the ones who need a written request to call, issued two weeks in advance. Even by their own parents.
What sort of tightarses live like this?

It used to be the norm and I still like it when people drop by. In this weather if the house is a state I say “come around back to the garden and I’ll make us a cuppa” so we sit outside instead.

My neighbour drops in twice a week. It’s nice to see her.

I’m a grown woman, I’m perfectly able to say “sorry, now is not a good time” if it isn’t.

Unless they have already spotted me I just won’t answer the door. Everyone has a mobile these days it’s not hard to pop a text to say

hey I’m just popping in sainburys you free for a cuppa after since I’m near by.

I think a lot of people who don’t bother to text must know deep down they would be rejected so it’s easier to just arrive as people are too polite to not even just chat in the doorstep.

Yeah you don’t just turn up at peoples houses. I grew up in a house with my mum who does shift work and I was a carer for my Nan. A courtesy text meant we could say yes or no, because mum was in bed or Nan wasn’t having a good day or we was at the hospital all day. It’s not fair to impose yourself on people (fine if they’ve told you that’s ok to do, but common courtesy is to check first!)

Agree it’s very very outdated to just turn up. There is just no need for it now that we all have phones and you can find out within a few minutes if it’s convenient for someone. People are so much busier now it’s just completely unfair to expect someone to give you their time just because they happen to be at home as well.