Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

Even once my ILs had finally got the idea that we weren't always at home if they just turned up they used to call and say they'd like to come round at the weekend so we'd ask when and it would be "sometimes". So we'd point out we needed to go to the supermarket, the launderette, the DIY store or whatever or we'd be out at a particular time and it would throw them. We'd end up saying Saturday after 3 or Sunday morning but we're going somewhere at 12. (DH was a scout leader and a football referee at the time so had commitments for those).

I hate when people do this even when family. I struggle with anxiety/ocd and it really catches me off guard and makes me anxious for days. I was in the bath a few weeks ago and a fanily member I havent seen in some time txt saying they were outside. I had just got in the bath

I just like to feel that the house is at least a little bit tidy (not guaranteed otherwise) and that I have time to socialise with them because I'm not already doing something else and don't want to be interrupted.
To be honest, it's not the end of the world if someone turns up suddenly, but I would find it quite weird now that we all message each other so frequently - why wouldn't someone say? The only people that turn up unannounced at my door are my neighbours, but they always just want to tell me something and don't want to come inside.

I think this is exactly right. Some women still enjoy this or are culturally expected to be like this and do it because they can’t say no; many have turned their backs on it. Women’s roles in the home and workplace have changed so, so many things. Most of it doesn’t get talked about, hence “tensions” when there’s a mismatch of expectations / boundaries being asserted or crossed.

I'm with you OP. I am not a fan of the unannounced 'pop in'.
I also have 2 Autistic DC who find unplanned visitors turning up really tricky. People might think it's not a big deal, but for us it can de-rail an entire day. It doesn't take much effort to send a quick text. We have tried to explain this to PIL who have found a passive aggressive way of getting around our polite request to stop turning up unannounced. Now they call one of us from the car to inform us they are on their way and will be here in 20 minutes, which isn't much better and they know it.

I grew up in the late 80s and 90s, it was very normal then, it is really NOT normal or welcomed now.
My dad wanders into my house whenever he feels like it and I'm sure he thinks I'm just sitting there waiting for guests to come.
I'm really not, I have a job, a child, a messy house I'm trying to sort out, I'm running out to swimming lessons, tennis, to pick up something for tea, making tea, school runs argh!
So if you asked my dad he would say yeah it's perfectly fine to visit unannounced but anyone who actually has a busy life it's really not OK!

I know a hell of a lot of Mumsnetters frown upon people who aren't up for totally unannounced visits from anyone,but I'm definitely with you on this. I absolutely hate with a passion people just rocking up and expecting to be made welcome. I even finished with a guy a couple of years ago after a few dates because he turned up uninvited and unannounced twice at my place. I happened to be out both times (thankfully!) but it annoyed me so much because I had specifically told him to phone or text first before turning up. So it was goodbye from me. My ex-husband's family also had form for doing this. What made it worse was that a) I know that his mother and sister didn't really like me,so I suspect that turning up unannounced was an attempt to catch me on the back foot. And b) his sister had a habit of turning up at all sorts of unsociable hours. Like 2 in the morning when they were on their back from visiting someone else. She had the nerve to say the next time I spoke to her 'I knew you were at home because your bathroom light was on'. I said 'Yes,we were in bed asleep!'. Thankfully now I'm divorced,I don't have to deal with that kind of shit anymore!

I was bought up being told It was rude not to pop in if you in the area

Ha! Yes, my mum and my grandma would have been horrified if a friend had been in the area and NOT popped in! They'd wonder what they were doing wrong.

I was a very shy kid, but I loved all the people popping in and out of our house, save us popping in to other people's.

I think it's a combination of different regional cultures (see my post about getting it very wrong when I moved down to the Southeast!) and changing times.
We have the means to contact each other easily these days, so it's expected that we do. And as eating out and meeting at cafes has become more affordable, people seen to prefer planned meetups there.

I miss having friends in my house.

I think this is a woman thing - people turning up expecting 'hostessing' - it's been said several times in this thread. It's based on the past where women were expected to serve others - usually men, whether it was convenient to them or not.

Expectations that a woman must always put themselves out for someone else - that they stop what they were doing and perform 'hospitality' - making refreshments, conversation etc. Get your pinny on girls and get that kettle on!

Sod that. I'm not a bloody hostess. I don't exist to welcome people to my perfect home. I work a stressful job. When I'm not working or cleaning, or managing family stuff I want people to leave me alone to do whatever I want to do, which will only involve seeing people who I want to see when I want to see them.

I do not think people would have these expectations of men.

In the past lovely; nowadays rude.

My SIL has a key to my parents’ house. She walked in once when I was visiting, heard me bitching about her to my mum 😂. That’s a multi-layered level of wrong there!

I think back in the day when women would more frequently be SAHM and a home wouldn’t be upside down more often than not, and there was more leisure time for everyone, popping round unannounced probably wasn’t such an imposition. These days, when every weekend hour counts, it is a big deal. Hence the generational issue/ north-south issue (maybe).

So why be snitty about someone wanting to discuss it then?

I always think these people who don’t mind visitors turning up unannounced, must not have greasy hair that needs washing every single morning. Sometimes at the weekend I don’t want to shower until later in the day and I’d be mortified to have someone turn up before I look clean. Ditto with tidying up.

Of course

Extremely rude, audacious, entitled and selfish.
I know this is Mumsnet, but I am of such character and of a position definitely not to open my door. And happy to justify it to myself.

Where’s the complicated part of “Please don’t come around unannounced”?

I’m sure I’m in the minority but I’m really not down with the constant ‘boundary setting’. Feels to me like we’re instigating a whole extra set of rules to make life even more complicated.

Why can't you accept that it's perfectly acceptable to prefer not to have unexpected visitors to your own fecking home??

You do you. Don't dictate or ridicule others preferences.

I'm sure you like things that I'd find derisory or downright peculiar.

I grew up where family and friends doors were always open, my nana even left her window open at night time incase any of the grandkids wanted to stay after a night out, I'd often come home to a cousin or friend drinking tea in the sitting room , someone would always be passing through the front or back door no one really cared tbh then again I'm from a small irish village were people are just chilled out

Do you know what would make it less stressful? If people didn’t just turn up unannounced.

“Quaking”? Have you been out in the sun too long?

I just don’t like unexpected visitors! And I certainly don’t want to spend my entire free time hoovering and dusting just in case someone might decide to pop over out of the blue.

Who is quaking?
Honestly, the levels of misrepresentation and hyperbole on here.

Sure there are, but we do need a break from posting about Palestine, Donald Trump, women's rights, cost of living etc sometimes.
It is perfectly allowable to moan about things considered fairly minor in the scheme of things.