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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends really annoying trait!

139 replies

Gallivanterer · 14/07/2025 07:25

Ive been friends with her for over a decade now and I love her. We're very close. But shes got this one really irritating trait, and I really want to either find a way of bringing it up with her or learning ways of dealing with it. The reason its coming to a head is we are planning a holiday together next year (first time we've been away together).

I cant even summarise this character trait as its so nebulous but let me give you some examples.

  • Going to an island for our holiday and I mentioned as well as sea and cultural stuff there would be opportunities to split up and eg could go on some hikes, head to the mountains, etc. She did me a 2 min VM in which she basically reiterated "I mean for me, going here is about the sea, its going to be sea focused for me" over and over again. I was thinking... Yes... I get that, hence why we are going to an island 😅
  • Again for the trip, we both do a lot of trusted housesitters, so I suggested nearer the time we could do a mix of accommodation options including trusted housesitters and she said "nope. It'll be a hassle, I want this to be about relaxation".
  • I spent years suggesting a particular career change for her that was really in line with her skills and profile, she would always do these really lengthy VMs explaining why my idea was a bad one. Until 6 months ago when she suddenly had this epiphany that this would be a great option for her.

There are countless other examples but I dont want to bore you! I cant put my finger on it, its not about what shes saying its about her tone: she can have a very kind of categoric/dismissive tone on subjects i think should just be relaxed conversations where we're batting ideas back and forth. Its almost like a kind of know it all vibe in which shes kind of dismissing/shutting down debate and I find it really grating.

Ive been meaning to try and find a way of handling this or talking to her about it, but going on holiday has made me think I really need to do it now as we are right at the start of planning so id like to nip it in the bud!

Has anyone got experience with this kind of trait?

OP posts:
NazeLife · 14/07/2025 07:51

The voice notes would be the annoying thing for me whatever she was saying in them - hate them, never listen to them.
The rest doesn't seem so bad. I have a friend who never ever accepts any of my recommendations for TV shows, books etc but will jump on other people's, or suddenly love something I recommended 10 years ago when someone else recommends it, I don't really mind because I love her!

Sevenamcoffee · 14/07/2025 07:50

It’s a bit difficult asking someone to change behaviour unless you can be specific about what it is, how it affects you and what you would like them to do instead.

The actual impact on you isn’t clear from your post beyond mild irritation. It’s just going to come across that you don’t like her if that’s the case.

Original poster
Gallivanterer · 14/07/2025 07:48

TomatoWildFlowers · 14/07/2025 07:41

It sounds a bit like you're both a bit rigid or controlling (I don't mean this in a bad way) Often in relationships (friendship or romance) they'll be one person in charge and one easy going. But that's not the case here.

Sounds like both of you think you are in charge, you have the patience or headspace to be up for a debate about a choice or issue. She doesn't. She's pushing back because she doesn't want to be dictated to

You say X is a good idea,
she says no, she wants to do Y
You want a conversation about the relative merits of X or Y
She wants you to stop imposing your thoughts on her and shuts down the conversation (or feels like she needs to defend her choice in an OTT way via voicenotes), because she's happy with her choice

It's not a her problem. It's both of you

I appreciate what youre saying, but im not dictating anything! Its a pattern with us. Every single small thing she has to pick up on and make some kind of counter point. Like me mentioning i would maybe go and do some mountain hikes on days we split up -> in response I get a long message about how this is all about the sea and you won't catch her venturing inland. I mean, okay? I never said YOU should go to the mountains? 😅 Its exhausting! She can never just be like "sounds good" or whatever - even when things dont concern her directly its like she has to give her opinion or make a value judgment on them

OP posts:
SmellsLikeTippex · 14/07/2025 07:46

Ask her not to leave you voice notes?

Original poster
Gallivanterer · 14/07/2025 07:44

NerrSnerr · 14/07/2025 07:30

It sounds to me like you’re similar to her and go on about things too. Why are you suggesting a career to someone for year? Mention it once and then it’s up to them what they do with that info. Maybe 6 months ago was the only time that was right for her to consider it?

What’s the issue with her not wanting to house sit? Isn’t that fair enough?

I also think the sea thing is for enough, sounds like you had your time for a monologue about going on hikes etc and she responded.

Because she asked me! For years she would periodically make these really long VMs asking for advice and going through her different thoughts on different careers.
So then I would reply, giving her my thoughts as asked, and she would respond with really length shutdowns of why they wouldn't be a good idea.
Its infuriating!!

OP posts:
SilverHammer · 14/07/2025 07:43

I can’t quite see what the problem is from the examples you have given.

TomatoWildFlowers · 14/07/2025 07:41

It sounds a bit like you're both a bit rigid or controlling (I don't mean this in a bad way) Often in relationships (friendship or romance) they'll be one person in charge and one easy going. But that's not the case here.

Sounds like both of you think you are in charge, you have the patience or headspace to be up for a debate about a choice or issue. She doesn't. She's pushing back because she doesn't want to be dictated to

You say X is a good idea,
she says no, she wants to do Y
You want a conversation about the relative merits of X or Y
She wants you to stop imposing your thoughts on her and shuts down the conversation (or feels like she needs to defend her choice in an OTT way via voicenotes), because she's happy with her choice

It's not a her problem. It's both of you

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/07/2025 07:41

She doesn’t sound anymore annoying than you, sounds like a mild personality clash at worst.

My19thNervousNameChange · 14/07/2025 07:40

Hmm yeah..if anyone should be doing the AIBU about irritating traits it should be your friend doing it about you.

Fastingandhungry · 14/07/2025 07:37

You sound irritating.

GuevarasBeret · 14/07/2025 07:37

Is the holiday actually going to be enjoyable for you? It seems you want different things and maybe ‘parallel’ holidays would work better?

CaptainFuture · 14/07/2025 07:36

First post has it! Also re Its almost like a kind of know it all vibe in which shes kind of dismissing/shutting down debate and I find it really grating.
Do you actually mean 'debate' or a conversation just? I can't imagine many want an actual 'debate' when trying to plan a relaxing holiday, and especially not in relation to their career choices! It seems like you have an idea how you think things should be done/run and you're a bit pissed off that she's not agreeing and doing what you suggest?

Agix · 14/07/2025 07:33

She knows her mind and doesn't want to consider your suggestions.

You sound a bit like my mum. Giving suggestions and unsolicited advice that people don't want and didn't ask for, and then getting moody when they're shot down.

Maybe you're not as bad as my mum for it... But if you are, it's entirely understandable that your friend has "a tone" with you. If it's something you do often, and overstep, she probably feels she has to strongly assert her boundaries to shut you down and get you to stop. Maybe she's learned if she gives an inch and feigns the slightest bit of interest in your suggestions for the sake of "politeness and conversation", you'll run with it and go off on one when it isn't welcome. That's what my mum does with people.

People generally don't want to debate with friends. That's weird.

All the examples you gave are ones which involves what she wants to do... And you telling her what she should want to do, or should do. You're trying to tell her to do other things... Go on hikes, stay in certain accommodation, leave her job. She's just asserting no, she doesn't want to do those things (and with the job, she is allowed to change her mind later - that doesn't mean the boundary she asserted previously is invalid).

Be careful you're not actually being really dictating towards her, this may explain why she takes such a strong tone in response to your behaviour.

NerrSnerr · 14/07/2025 07:30

It sounds to me like you’re similar to her and go on about things too. Why are you suggesting a career to someone for year? Mention it once and then it’s up to them what they do with that info. Maybe 6 months ago was the only time that was right for her to consider it?

What’s the issue with her not wanting to house sit? Isn’t that fair enough?

I also think the sea thing is for enough, sounds like you had your time for a monologue about going on hikes etc and she responded.