Friends really annoying trait!

I can’t see how you will remain friends if you go on holiday together seeing how she annoys you so much. Mind you, I can’t see why you are friends.

Be grateful you have a friend you can go on holiday with. Make it work. Lots of people on here complaining to not having friends, who have to man up and do stuff by them selves.

My husband is like this. It is very wearing. I think he has pathalogical demand avoidance.
I have to word any suggestions jn a particular way to mitigate against his automatic response of batting back and someyimes even outright refusal. He usually comea around after he has thought it through.
I have read up on PDA and it is a sort of anxiety that is automatically trjggered by feeling a lack of autonomy. So a suggestion would trigger stresd and anxiety in the person and their defence is hostility, or refusal to go along with it. Even if they think its a good idea after they have had time to think more about it and calm down. The immediate response is like pulling the shutters up.

I don't think you can 'nip this in the bud' by talking to her. Your issue with her is a bit vague and mostly sounds like a personality clash. It's not like there is one specific thing that annoys you, it's a collection of character traits and behaviours that are part of who she is. Asking her to change will be hurtful and will leave her confused and self conscious.

If you really like her and value the friendship you have to train yourself to tolerate these frictions. When they happen, do an internal eye roll and move on to something else. Accept that she's strident in her opinions and is going to express them. And that's ok, just let it wash over you for the sake of the good stuff in the friendship.

I think the only way is to accept or even embrace this trait. You might say Well, that’s another point of view whenever she contradicts you, then move on.
For things like the hiking issue, if you can guess her response, you might say : I expect you will want to stay in the coast as you love the sea so much, so let’s have a few separate days when I can go hiking.

She makes everything about her? So you say you’re getting a blonde Bob and she applies it to herself? As in, I can’t get one it wouldn’t suit me etc?
I think it’s just her and she can’t help it. May be unaware?

I understand OP. I know somebody like this.

Similar to a PP husband, it’s like every conversation is an opportunity to show how correct she is.

She’s very rigid with things - how many calories to lose weight, how many oz of milk babies need, how many hours of sleep kids and babies need, how many steps to walk per day.

there’s no wiggle room for this, she will “research” (google) things and then dish out these figures like gospel, not stopping to think that all people / babies are different. She also dishes out this advice online when people in real life aren’t interested.

She also disagrees with everything. If she moans about her partner, which she often does, saying that he doesn’t help with the kids enough and goes off cycling at bedtime, calling him selfish and inconsiderate etc…,I say “yes that’s a bit shit” and she’ll say “well it’s not really, he works hard (offshore) so when he’s here I understand that he needs to relax”

wtf??

she’s an old school friend and no longer lives in the same town so luckily I don’t have to see her much.

I certainly couldn’t go on holiday with her though.

Ah OP, I had a friend just like this. The best word I had to describe her was ‘ornery’ - sort of argumentative or ‘contrary’.

If I said I’d like a glass of wine she’d go on about how much she hated wine and preferred gin. If I said, ‘those curtains are blue’, she’d insist they were grey. Every Little Thing. I’d been friends with her for years and her first marriage broken up, in part because her ex said she was so argumentative. Her response was, ‘no I’m not’.

I invited her on a birthday weekend with some other friends she’d not met before. By the end of the weekend I realised I wasn’t going mad, other people noticed it too. I did once (gently) say ‘not everything I say has to be a battle you know?’

On one hand I am very glad she knew her own mind but on the other I could see how this was causing people to fade out of her life - conversation was just so exhausting.

We don’t really see each other much now. It wasn’t a deliberate thing, more just a changing of times/stages of life but I do get it. I’m not sure where it stems from, though in my friend’s case she was a very shy child with very loud, quite dominant parents. I wonder if this was her way of being ‘heard’ as an adult.

You've had lots of grreat advice so I will just say, stop listening to the lengthy VMs. I hate long pointless VMs and people who send them unnecessarily often lack self awareness. I had one pedantic friend who would send these and I told her sorry I always forget to listen to VMs as i never remember to come back and listen to them. Just type it out or call me. IMO if they can't be bothered to type up their messages it can't be that important!

Could you ask her if she thinks you make too many suggestions and see what she says?

I used to be friends with someone like this and it was a bit draining. After a few years, I let the friendship fizzle out as I just couldn’t be bothered with the constant negativity towards every single thing I said/suggested/did

Try having some stock phrases in your back pocket to shut it down without gettign dragged in and also so her annoying rants aren't rolling around in your head.

"Ok ok it wasn't a personal attack, I was just saying what I personally like. You don't need to agree with me."
"It was just a throwaway comment, there is no need to over analyse"
"Can we move on please, I was hoping to get something else done with the day"

Honestly though she sounds like hard work.

You could try interrupting her as she starts to justify her choices and say X you're an adult - you really don't need to justify your choices to me.

I know someone a bit like this. She has queen bee vibes. We were good friends but drifted and it's only as the years went on I realise how it grated on me. I could suggest a book, and mention it's set during X and she might say 'that sounds boring' or I wouldn't like that. End of discussion. The strange thing is I noticed she has the opposite reaction to some people and would agree with everything they say. So T suggests the same book and my pal would say 'sounds interesting, thanks for the recommendation'. I think on some level there is a lack of confidence around some people but comfort with me if that makes sense.

I think she is a person who thinks out loud. She doesn't want solutions. Leave your smart ideas to yourself she doesn't really want them. Switch off when you listen to her verbal diarrhea voice-mails.

It boils down to this: you rub each other up the wrong way - on a very fundamental level you two simply don’t gel.

Don’t go on holiday with her. Stick to easy get- togethers if you want to keep her as a friend.

But maybe there is some truth in what a PP said about “Giving suggestions and unsolicited advice that people don't want and didn't ask for, and then getting moody when they're shot down”….. If so, consider modifying your approach to these kinds of interactions.

Respond to her VNs with “you could be right” or similar, or not at all. If they irritate you too much, tell her to text/message/WhatsApp rather than leave voicemails. Tell her your VM isn’t working properly if it helps.

But don’t go on holiday with her.

Given that you can't even define her "really annoying trait" on here and have given the most nebulous, seemingly unconnected examples I can't imagine it would go better in real life and she'll just come away with the impression you find her annoying in general, possibly something to do with the length of her voice notes?

I don't like being told what to do. I wouldn't bend and accept everything you said either, even if you're correct! Maybe you should suggest things rather than telling her what she should do?

Also consider whether she really wants advice or if she just likes a grumble. I know someone who would come to me with problems, but any suggested solutions were just batted away. The most frustrating bit was that by not considering any advice, the problem would stay and she would keep grumbling to me about it. I would get irritated by it, but eventually just went for the “um, yes, oh dear what a pity never mind” response and change the subject. It can help.

Might work but also a risky can of worms to open, if she counters with the things that the OP does that irritate her. It’s a way to nix the holiday before it begins I guess.

It does sound like you want to write her lines for her to respond as you wish, like she’s some character you’re in control of. She’s not that person and she can say what she feels just as you do. No doubt you get on her wires too. I wouldn’t be going on holiday with each other. You’re going to be wound up and on edge.

The holiday is probably not going to resolve the communication issues between you...
We note the annoying traits of others because we know how it makes us feel; even if it's difficult to articulate.
The thing is, to some people, we ourselves are that annoying person.
How this works out on holiday with a more prolonged contact and the stress of travel remains to be seen.
The trait you mention in your friend about becoming defensive to your viewpoint, you could try, 'do you find different opinions to yours a challenge/ threat?'
I find that asking questions allows the other person to explore their reactions rather than me imposing what I think upon it.
That said, it's always a good leveller to acknowledge how we ourselves are annoying too. We just don't see that bit in us so clearly.

I think you both sound like you've got strong opinions on everything and that why she irritates you.

(the long voice mails would be really annoying though)