Friends really annoying trait!

You are being unreasonable. It sounds as though you’re quite controlling, and she is not allowing you to control her. Good for her.

Sounds like she has to have the last word.

This is brilliant! Kinda disgusting, but brilliant. Gonna remember that one.

I've said this on a few threads, but the best advice my mum gave me for these situations was: You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friends nose.

You can't change how your friend talks, thinks, or does things but you can choose if you want to be around her.

I personally don't think bringing up the fact that someone's mum was hypercritical of them is going to make them put their guard down.

If anything I think the obvious pathologising would make her put her defenses up.

Some people just process language differently.

I always explain my reasonings for things, I am a rigid thinker, sometimes people also suggest things that are stupid ideas thinking that they know best and I'm digging my heels in when in reality they're not good listeners and are suggesting more problems than solutions.

Simply decide if you want to be friends with this person or not, and stop trying to change the way she talks or thinks.

I think your suggestions stress her out. She has an idea of what is going to happen and the thought of a new plan overwhelms her so she immediately rejects it.

She knows what she wants and expects you to want the same, possibly doesn't even realise there are alternative view points. Be equally blunt back, 'for you it's all about the sea but I'm also going to enjoy the local culture and the scenery inland, we're not joined at the hip'. Not house sitting is definitely a two yeses or one no, so fair enough you're not doing that. The job thing is purely her business, it didn't suit her before it does now.

These are all different things entirely, not a character trait.

'put up with this behaviour' - like, someone saying they'd rather stay in one hotel and relax rather than move between various housesitting places on a holiday? It's hardly grounds for an psychoanalytic intervention. Some other people's examples and situations sound a lot worse, but OP's were vague and mild and mostly amount to a personality mis-match. That doesn't mean this friend should, can or will change just because OP points out it stems from childhood conditioning. This who her friend is, just as OP is a product of her upbringing and environment. As a PP said, we all have our irritating sides and tend to either let it slide with friends as they put up with us too, or if it's too much, then step back. They're not married, they don't need to change themselves to make this work.

It doesn't sound like PDA to me at all, much more what another PP said - that the friend is thinking out loud so her conversations don't always go the way the OP wants them to. Bringing her mother up isn't going to fix anything. Do you think she's gonna go: 'You're so right! I'm a pain in the ass to all my friends so I won't do that any more. Instead I'll say what OP wants me to because I totally know what she's wanting me to say and am simply not saying it on purpose to be a pain in the ass. Thank goodness she's told me so I can change myself.'

It sound like you have a habit of making unwanted and impractical suggestions, your trait is the annoying one. Just because you come up with an idea doesn't mean you can force it on others, they are allowed to draw lines and its not 'argumentative' if just not giving into your every whim at their own expense.

If someone kept battering me over the head with why they thought I should change my career I would quite firmly tell them to fuck off and mind their own business.

Why on earth would ANYONE want to go on holiday and constantly pack and unpack to WORK in different people houses, utterly stupid idea unless your broke backpacking kids.

The first one could go either way, if you want to go on a hike alone while she relaxes on the beach thats fine but from other context clues I imagine she predicted that actually you'll blather on at her until she gives into going so she is painting a very clear firm line with you as frankly you don't seem to take hints very well (as shown by the harassing her for YEARS about he job thing).

She’s a “yes but” person, wants the attention but not really the input. That’s narcissism. You’re buying into it by giving her attention, which she enjoys. But you’re taking her literally thinking she wants help. She doesn’t want help. She wants attention. You need to shift to “ yes dear” mode, disinvest a bit .

I know a few people like this.

I think she's low on 'agreeableness'. One of the main 5 personality traits. www.scienceofpeople.com/personality/

It means her first reaction to anything and everything is usually negative - that would never work; that's not for me; I don't like that.

But like other posters have mentioned with examples, it's sometimes an automatic reaction and she may well say the opposite tomorrow/next week once the idea has percolated.

Don't really have any suggestions, but knowing it's not personal can help. Have also done exercises to assess the 5 personality traits with friends/colleagues and we're able to have a laugh about our various traits. Someone I know who is very low in agreeableness is very aware of it, and he can laugh about it. And reassure you it's not personal!

You sound quite bossy and forthright with your opinions too, OP.

Maybe you butt heads because you're so similar?

Also: each time she asks you for an opinion, and she counter argues, you could ask yourself, and her, if appropriate, "is this something we need to agree on right now?"

I get it.. it sounds like its your friend's way or the highway...

If she's annoying you this much now.. what on earth will it be like when you are stuck together on holiday?

I guarantee you will end up falling out over this.

As for the career thing. Its a good example. But let it go.

Go on holiday with someone who actually has a bit of give and take and wants to do roughly the same things. Or if you like hiking go on one of those specialist hiking holidays - you may make new friends with the same interests.

Thanks for this. I was only reading to find out what a VM was!

Then stop sharing your thoughts and opinions when she asks.

She sounds wearing.

I would be inclined not to offer any suggestions of your own, even when asked as it seems to wind up both of you, leaving you both feeling frustrated and not heard.

Instead you could just ask her a lot of questions or observations about her thoughts.

eg for your example about her town: You could say:

You don't seem happy about where you live. How important is not having/having XYZ aspect to you? Is it a deal breaker? Do you know if new location has that? What are the pros and cons of each? What plans have you made to find out more

etc etc etc

Don't get drawn into giving your opinion. If she asks, you can say in this example, 'it's not me who is considering other town options. This is about what makes you happy. Now tell me more about the XYZ thing that is annoying'.

This way she can't counter argue and you are allowing her to explore her thoughts.

If she’s irritating you (or your both irritating each other) this much from a distance, don’t plan a holiday together! It’s unlikely to go well!
If you haven’t anyone to go away with, go on a singles holiday.
I was pushed/guilt tripped into going away with a friend who could be hard work a few years ago. It was horrendous!

Genuinely confused .. what exactly is her trait?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I think sometimes if someone was strongly criticised growing up it can make them very assertive in their opinions / getting their point across about their choices and what they want to do in adult life ax they were never ‘’ allowed to’ when they were growing up . I say this as I have a friend like this. Even getting on a train (which door), which choice of restaurant / pub table if there is a choice … anything! I do think it’s an insecurity of sorts. I just let it go as there are so many other qualities about her that I love and she’s one of my best mates - and we do lots of stuff together.

I think that if she is otherwise a good friend and you enjoy the time you spend with her / get plenty of enjoyment out of the friendship then try and put it down to the 20% or whatever that slightly annoys you but enjoy the 80%.

if your likes / opinions are more distant than that then maybe you aren’t compatible holiday friends.

in the bike situation for example - if she says ‘well as if someone is just going to come and knock on your door!’ Don’t take that personally - just say ‘well you never know with her!’ Or ‘well I wouldn’t put it past her’ (or whatever ) and change the subject. I think you are giving her comments too much thought or value. I know it’s annoying but just bat it back to her and change the subject.

Holidays can put a strain on the most easygoing of friendships. Honestly, it can be astonishing how much someone can annoy when you are sharing one room and spending 24/7 with them. Even if you agree to split up and spend a day apart, you then have the question of which day suits both. And that’s even when you have similar communication styles and are comfortable being direct and honest with each other.

I would never book a holiday with someone unless I’d been on a couple of weekend trips with them. It might be too late to hold off booking the holiday until you can have a couple of weekends away together, but I’d give it some thought. I don’t want to pee on your parasol, but I think you’re going to have a horrible time, waste a lot of money and probably fall out and ruin a longstanding friendship.

I don't agree this is patronising. It's a direct approach to take in the circumstances. which is what's needed here after op having put up with this behaviour for this long.

God, don't do this - it sounds horrendously patronising! Like you're psychoanalysing your friend! Just accept that this is who she is, she won't change.

Yes, I have a friend like this too. I have learnt that even when she asks for advice I need to avoid giving it, instead I try to ask questions. It's like coaching really. She once asked my advice about packing for holidays with children, as I have a lot of kids. I made some suggestions of what worked for me, she told me how it wouldn't work for her. No problem. Quite a lot of years later she told me how amazing my suggestions had been and that she'd been telling anyone, who would listen, about it for years 🤣
We went on holiday a few years ago. I was keen on trying to avoid miscommunication and unrealistic expectations, turns out she really doesn't mean what she says out loud.
I love her to bits. I wouldn't dream of saying anything about it.
She almost certainly finds me equally annoying 😂

YABVU op
Cancel the holiday it sounds like you will loose your friendship due to holiday hell. I would distance yourself rather than fall out.

We all probably have annoying traits. It's life.