DH expects me to seduce him

You sound like you both hate each other, dont think its wise to bring a child into this.

Why do you want to have a child?

Does your husband know your disgust and contempt for him?

Why would he want to have a child with you?

Should you be having a child together?

You sound angry and rather sad, possibly because you are worried you will never have a child. But your partner clearly isn’t one of the men women are talking about on this thread who are always up for sex and rock hard instantly. He is in his 40s and has a degree of erectile dysfunction at the best of times which he probably finds humiliating, and he genuinely worries he won’t be physically able to have sex if he feels under pressure to perform on demand. It’s pretty high-stakes sex, after all. And as others have said he literally has to be turned on to have sex, which isn’t the case for a woman. He’s trying to tell you that he fears he won’t be able to help you conceive if sex is purely mechanical. I don’t see why a man would be a bad parent just because he has erectile dysfunction. He’s not doing it to degrade you. He’s probably embarrassed and if you make it as obvious to him that you despise him for it as you have on this thread, then I doubt that helps him either. Is this quite a new relationship?

Yeah, the biggest turn on us to feel someone desires you. No woman wants to feel like just a sperm repository and no man just wants to feel like an available sperm donor. 🤷‍♀️

Regardless of age, size, shape etc. use your imagination, channel your inner seductress and have some sexy fun. 😉

Just to say that I had PCOS and had 2 children in my 40s, so it is possible (though it was anxious and unpredictible) . Have read the OPs but not the whole thread. I guess, if he is going to perform more effectively if the set up is more romantic, can you plan "romantic" evenings in, with a nice (?? dine in to make it easier) meal and whatever set up seems to be conducive to sex, particularly when you know you are going to be ovulating? Is it not something you could both try to enjoy a bit? Arguments are not likely to help with the matter in hand.

Also, are you both taking all the recommended supplements, for example I remember my husband taking zinc.

Aw, a mental incel that stays up all night on a Sunday harassing women on Mumsnet.
How quaint.

So, he has performance anxiety, has effectively told you he can’t just get it up on demand when feeling stressed (ie stress related erectile dysfunction), and you’re angry with him. You sound self-centred and tunnel visioned. You both clearly have fertility problems, but you are unsympathetic to his side of the problem.

I agree it must be particularly aggravating when you’re the one with an underlying condition and pressured by time constraints to have your husband whinge about feeling under pressure when literally all he has to do is just fuck you. If you’re anything like I was when I was trying to get pregnant, performance wasn’t even important- I literally didn’t care as long as he ejaculated in the right place to make a baby. It’s not hard. Pardon the pun.

I will say, my husband did find it took a toll on him as time went on. Sex did get very mechanical for want of a better word. He does acknowledge it was worse for me. We tried for 4 years (no tests, long story) and then gave up. A month later I was pregnant with our daughter. This isn’t me saying “just relax babe it’ll just happen” because I know that often it doesn’t.

And you wonder why he doesn’t want to have sex with you?

Honestly you’re starting to sound unhinged.

I did similar. My DH asked me not to be all “do the deed now I’m ovulating”. I just initiated when I knew it was a good day. It was a bit of an exercise in mental gymnastics as he knew really I was initiating because I was approaching ovulation. But it kept him happy and I got pregnant so 😆

You don't seem to even like each other very much. Why are you trying to bring a child into this situation? You will be back on here next year asking how to get out of the relationship.

This. I'm wondering if he wants a child.Sounds to like he's happy with his lot and kids are not on his radar.

Why would I teach people something that I've said we need to get rid of? And I must have missed op acting like an entitled brat about having children, she was quite clear that it is unlikely she'll conceive due to her age.

I wouldn't be going through all that without getting him tested about whether his swimmers are heading in the right general direction. Honestly, he sounds like he never really grew up. I imagine if you swan around in a negligee or start doing a striptease down to a g-string he'd pretty much get the idea there was an egg involved and start moaning about pressure or perhaps he'd like you some random non-fertile days as well to spice it up. I can't imagine what I'd have said if my husband had said this to me when I was facing possible issues conceiving. He was there making visits to the specialists and asking about fertile days. It doesn't sound like you like your husband very much and maybe he isn't very likeable. I can't imagine that he is good father material.

@Hereagain334

Nothing screams romance like “this is your responsibility you selfish twat”. If it doesn’t spring to action for that, I don’t know what will work.

In the nicest way possible op, you are being completely unreasonable. Duty sex or functional sex is the worst. It’s high pressure, high stakes and not at all fun. I’m not surprised your husband is struggling. It’s also a lot harder (or not) for him, as he has to be able to maintain an erection. So being turned on and not feeling it’s his duty, is probably a fair request.

He's asked you not to tell him it’s ovulation time. He doesn’t want sex to be a job on the list with cleaning the bathroom. He wants you to seduce him. I doubt he means all singing and dancing, but sometimes all I need to do is send my husband a cheeky message or wear some fancy knickers under a tight pair of jeans and he’s good to go. Basically it sounds like he wants to know you actually want to have sex with him because you fancy him and enjoy it.

^^
I understand it’s pressuring to TTC but for goodness sake all he needs to do is have sex. You’ve got all the medical appts, body tracking etc to do. I’d also be annoyed about having another thing added to the list ….but truthfully would have me questioning if he really wants a child and also how he would cope when/if you have a child. It’s not a good sign that he can’t even pull his finger out for something that is pretty good fun and easy to do!

Agree ,he sounds like a dick
My fanny would of slammed shut had my DH said that to me
We have DC and every time my DH jokingly said there was no trying for a baby .it was ..shall we have a baby ,bam , pregnant.
But had he of come out with what yours said ,yuk ..no trying no baby .
He doesn't want to be part of the process,he wants no responsibility,
Does he actually want children..I would of assumed not if mine had been like this .
Sounds like a complete man child

Speaking of seeing people as human, perhaps husband needs a little more empathy around the fact that OP is going through what will potentially be one of the most difficult experiences of her life, and just leaving her to it (fertility treatment).

Neither are without fault - as is almost always the case in relationships - and as in my longer post above, it sounds like they have a lot to work on before thinking about bringing a baby into this.

Doesn’t bode well for a loving home to bring children into.

Most men would drop their pants for a shag.
(my long life experience tells me that).

If he wants the baby you have to make the effort!

Im just thinking if it was reversed and men had a certain window of the month when their sperm was potent. Just imagining DP looking at me solemnly saying "we need to have sex tonight, my sperm is on". It just kinda repulses me.
Hes saying just come onto him when youre fertile and it makes perfect sense.

However your parting shot of "...which he struggles to produce at the best of times" makes me think there's more layers in this relationship. It sounds like you've reached breaking point with him. Have you considered breaking up and using a donor?