Feel uneasy with my partner’s suggestions on splitting food/toiletries costs

Good grief. This is in no way normal.

It does not read like you are describing love. In a loving relationship you are both trying to actively look after the other one, not quibble that their illness means they cost a few pence more. We do separate finances not joint (his choice) but it works because he's never once been tight with me. I'm the saver and would happily go all in to a shared pot. I used to have a very thrifty style (habit developed from necessity) but this meant I'd spend too long sourcing a bargain, not quibbling over how I shared the money with the love of my life!
Run away!

Just checking - are you splitting rent and bills either 50:50 or proportionally to income? I was thinking that if your partner is paying the full rent or mortgage this might be his passive aggressive way of telling you he's not happy. This would still not be a good way of telling you how he's feeling but might be fixable through discussion.
Otherwise, this is going to be very painful to live with long-term!

This is such a big red flag. Run!!
The fact that he isn't poor or struggling, tells you this isn't about money. This is about control and it's only going to get worse

Say it ain't so! He calculates bog roll usage?

Fucking hell.

Oh my goodness thank your lucky stars he has made this so obvious so early, that means you can leave before this “relationship” is further complicated by such things as wedding costs, house deposits and heaven forbid maternity leave and childcare costs. As a thought experiment ask him how he sees maternity and childcare costs being shared, I mean the egg is so much bigger than the sperm so you should bear 99.9 of the costs right 🤔

Sometimes with these ridiculous situations it's worth bringing it up in public with his mates. It's funny how quickly some men will back down from ridiculousness when it's given the sunlight of social opinion. Generally though I would suggest a serious conversation and if he doesn't see how vile and controlling he's being it's time to throw this one back.

I’d have a heart to heart and ask him what’s changed. Say how you’d like things to be. Also ask him about his saving goals.

My brother was —tight as a gnats arse— frugal for decades. He has had some therapy now for some really horrible financial events and can now enjoy his income and share a better life with his wife. I would still say he is careful with money and likes to save but tbh that’s why they are in a good financial position and have ridden out some major difficulties (someone unable to work long term etc). Find out where all this comes from and challenge it. No I don’t think you have to just accept it; stand up for yourself but you don’t have to just walk away yet.

Wtf!!!

This is not normal. Do not accept this shitty behaviour.

He's already financially controlling you. Huge red flags, it won't be long before he tries to control other aspects of you life
B

I know a couple like this. She pays for the lightbulb in the living room lamp because she reads books in there. And for the battery in the kitchen clock because she uses the clock in there and he wears a watch. They are friends of my parents and in their seventies but it’s always been like this. Obviously this is no way to live your life.

I wouldn't be staying in this relationship and would be moving out asap.
It would be understandable if you were adding a load of make up to the shopping basket and expecting him to go halves on that but to be watching how much loo roll you use is OTT. He doesn't sound like a partner and sees it all as a financial transaction. I would not be wanting to stay with him as I wouldn't ever be able to enjoy myself as I assume he is like this if you go out and would want to split the bill!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Nerr.err run for the hills. He's not going to be supportive in pregnancy, illness, pets etc

You wonder if it’s OTT ?

I hope you have somewhere to stay when you pack your bags and leave.

Have you spoken to him and pointed out that it’s incredibly petty, time consuming and not a way to run a joint household? Have you started charging for anything you help him with?

I’d be moving straight out again TBH.

OP he sounds tight and controlling. Neither are good qualities for a healthy relationship. Time for you to think whether you want to live like this going forward. He'll get worse if you ever go on Mat leave. I'd get out NOW if I was you.

Accounting for who is eating what food is petty, keeping track of loo roll is unhinged.

Tell him you're thinking about moving out because of the mad money management situation. See if he backs down. If not, start looking for somewhere. This isn't a long term manageable situation.

I'd tell him to go fuck himself, split up and try to find a man who's not going to police my toilet roll use.

The tight arse comment might account for the shite coming out of his mouth rather than the other end😂

Well he's fucking insane.

The Mumsnet consensus will always be "household money". I am a complete split finance relationship, literally everything. I bought the past two shops which contained probably more high value items for my partner than me and he will do the next couple. If we go together we will split it at the checkout so it's roughly 50 50 with any expensive items that are person eg I like expensive wine my partner doesn't drink, going on my shop. And even I think this is positively fucking bonkers.

I don't think you will be able to talk him down from this and I'd consider leaving. Again. I want to reiterate, I say this as a completely split finances relationship.

Run.

I could not have sex with a man like this so on that basis it would be time to leave