To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

Very odd indeed and more than a bit creepy. By rights, at 17, she’s still a child and he’s pretty much stalking her.

This.

He thinks he knows something about her, but doesn't want to to admit it.

seems way too soap opera!

@LittleMarmiteQueen even before your DH started digging into her life you contrasted the pure fact of her being mixed race with your own very white middle class suburbia - without, as far as you’ve said, any knowledge of her own background. Why did you assume she wasn’t from middle class suburbia?

It’s a little worrying that you seem unaware that having parents from more than one ethnicity doesn’t actually preclude one from, for instance, owning vast tracts of land, or attending a £60k a year boarding school, or studying at Oxbridge, or being a concert pianist or a KC.

I’m afraid your assumptions might be almost as knee jerk as your husband’s.

Anyway …

My guess - he’s her dad.

Wild stab in the dark here. He doesn't think he may be her father does he? From a previous relationship with her mother?

Your DH is the girl's father. Or thinks he might be,

Sorry, OP, your husband is a racist and is being creepy AF about it.

I don't think your son's gf is safe around him. I think you need to talk to your son and let him know that his gf shouldn't be around his dad. I think her safety is more important than keeping your son in the dark.

I think your husband needs a physical checkup and mental status exam if this is a drastic behavioural change. He's showing paranoia and his behaviour is not normal.

Look at his Internet history. Has he been on right wing racist sites or watching conspiracy content?

I wonder if he is on a dating site and had set his searches for much younger (because, men), and is worried that she would recognise him and say something.

This is almost certainly being lead because of something sexual. Men are not usually this weird when it comes to sons dating.

The more I read it is obvious that either this is a proper mental health crisis or the DH knows her/her family in some way that would shed him in a bad light (OnlyFans, sex work, drug buying, affair). There is just no other rational way of explaining this

So you asked if he recognised her, and his response was "I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things".

He knows that whatever the connection between them, he is disgusting, because it is a connection that would disgust you.

Unless you actually did mention something like an OF account.

Do you live in small town/village?

Could he have seen this girl and think she looks just like her mum who he has some type of past with? Have a quick look at her Facebook profile picture to see how similar they look. Do they share the same surname and has your son posted or shared his gfs surname?

My money is that or he finds this girl very attractive and its alarming him so he wants her out of the picture so he's inventing reasons she's not good for your son.

When was the last time she was at the house? How soon after that did this bad feeling about her get brought up @LittleMarmiteQueen

"Certain types of people"? What does he mean by that?

He knows the Mum/Family and whatever it is, it will not shed him in a good light - that's what I reckon.

For some bizarre reason your husband doesn't want your son dating this girl. Now it could be he's struggling to accept his son is growing up, particularly if this girl is his first relationship. It could be a class or race issue. Or it could be that he knows (of) the Mother or other family members. To look at someone's school, and decide they must be a terrible person because, I assume, the school wasn't great, is ludicrous! Plenty of people don't go to the best schools but achieve in life. He's looked at who's she's friends with on Faceache, and decided they are dubious characters!! Unless he knows the Mum or her friends, he's got zero idea what these people are like!! If the girl came from a notorious family known for their criminal activities, I could absolutely understand his concern, but there's no suggestion this is the case. No PI, is going to track a 17 year old girl, who's still in 6th Form, she's not an adult, and he'd be hard pushed to find someone above board who would do this, as it's highly unethical or appropriate. My only other thought, has your husband ever been alone in this young girl's company? Could she have made a pass at him???! Sounds far fetched, but not all 17 year olds are sweet and innocent!

The seems like a possibility to me. He's panicked at the thought of them sleeping together because it could be incest...

I don't know, I probably watch to many movies, but to me it doesn't scream him being 'just' racist. Why is he stalking her mother. Sounds like he had history with her, maybe an ex. And is he worried he's the girl's dad? Melodramatic, I know. But something ain't adding up.

I find racists not shy expressing their views, he'd just say something like 'oh you know those people, criminals and drugdealers the lot of them, she'll lead our boy down the wrong path' or similar. Especially if the girl isn't poor, he wouldn't manage to wrap his head around the fact 'those people' can and perfectly do earn money using completely normal, legitimate means.

Something's weird, he's incredibly anxious about something. Not just simply 'she's a wrongun', this feels deeper.

I had a few 'bad boy' boyfriends back in a day (same race) and my parents weren't best pleased about it. But they didn't go straight to nuclear and started stalking them and their families..

I'd be invited both the girl and her mum for dinner.

Well he's either got mental health issues, he's racist, or he's a perve in some way. None of which are good options.

OP this must be so weird and unsettling!

Would you be able to access his phone or laptop and see what he's been googling?? Or is it all locked down? Just thinking it might help you see what angle of faux concern he's viewing it from.

I'd be wondering what else he was capable of as he goes further down this weird rabbit hole tbh.

There are two alternatives:

One is that he knows something about her, through something like Only Fans or similar.

The other is that he's stark raving mad.

Wow OP. There’s definitely a lot more to it than your dh is letting on. Personally I don’t think it’s race, I definitely think it’s sexual of some sort - her/mum/onlyfans, whatever .. but no way could I let dh drop it so easily as he seems to have.

There is nothing that says she’s low income. In fact, context clues would indicate she’s in a similar socioeconomic bracket as they are.

However, some commenters on MN simply cannot wrap their heads around the fact that non-white people aren’t automatically poor. It’s quite fascinating.

Oh my, this would be full on telenovela. I hope not, for the son's sake..

I don't see anything in the post that says this girl is low-income, not that it should make a difference if she is.

Could he have had an affair/ONS 18 years ago and thinks he might be her dad? Would explain his facebook stalking the mum....

@LittleMarmiteQueen he is absolutely crazy!

She’s mixed race so you’re assuming she’s lower income?

You’re as racist as he is.