To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

Aww, sorry for you and your DC

Sorry for him too of course.

A lot of people “aren’t racist” in the sense they don’t go round using the N word and committing hate crimes but they change their tune real quick when the possibility of a mixed grandchild is on the table. It’s not nice, but I have known people like this. I would probably assume it’s that if it wasn’t for the PI thing.

To me, the PI thing makes me think he knows her from onlyfans or porn.

If I were you I’d sit him down, say you’re worried about his mental health and you’re giving him an opportunity to tell the truth. I would straight up ask about the onlyfans thing as well. Give him a safe space (or the illusion of one) to come forward and then if he does fess up proceed as you see fit.

EDIT: just read your updates and now my money is on issues with her race. Doesn’t want a mixed grandchild.

My kids dad went paranoid like this for a while and eventually went into psychosis. We are not even together and I was the only one who noticed he had as he was acting so odd.

@LittleMarmiteQueen it sounds like you have sadly only just found out your (h) is a creep .
He blew up when you mentioned online .. gaslit you that you’re thinking bad and not that he’s up to something.

I think it could be something like only fans for sure now.

But wouldn't OP have noticed before of he IS a racist?
I would notice, if it was my DH.

Hi OP, I don't have any anwers but just wanted to say this must be so shocking for you and difficult to deal with. It must feel that he has turned into a crazy stranger with god only knows what possible secrets lurking under the surface.

OP, your DH's behaviour reminds me of someone I know who slipped slowly into a paranoid and psychotic state after spending 15 hours a day on the internet, getting more and more immersed in conspiracy theories and other nonsense. It was such a slow descent that his family didn't notice how far he'd gone until he totally lost it. They'd been in a boiled-frog situation: they used to laugh at all his conspiracy theories until one day it was too late.

You might want to have a long think about anything that's changed about your DH and any other things he started doing/ believing in the last couple of years. What's he up to on the internet every night while you're in bed? Can you have a look at his browsing history?

If you can pinpoint other changes, and if your husband isn't willing to talk about what's going on and admit that he's behaving inappropriately, I would be concerned. The woman married to the man I alluded to above has been involved in divorce proceedings for three years now. Her husband's MH is so bad that he's spent many months in a psychiatric unit and that has made it very difficult for her to end their marriage. She's said on many occasions that if she'd realised how badly affected he was earlier on she might have separated or divorced quickly and easily and created some security for her children. Sorry: that's the worst case scenario, but internet use does seem to activate MH issues in susceptible people.

What do you think he means? It’s very obvious he’s a racist but trying to keep up the pretence of not being one. Everyone is grasping at straws that he’s into the girl, had an affair etc. but he’s just your standard middle class racist. Much ado about nothing.

Do you know something I couldn’t get my head around this madness, but this makes sense. .
He can’ come out with the reason himself so he needs to or at least pretend “someone else like and investigator” has found the info out )

I think there are two separate issues here and they've come together around this girl.

Firstly - I think the reaction to her and the sense that something is off is racism. If he has he never demonstrated any racism previously, it may be unconscious bias so even he isn't aware of what it is which is why he can't put his finger on it.

Is she mixed heritage white / asian or white / black (or something else). The 'these type of people all know each other' tends to be a stereotype associated with the Asian community due to them generally having fairly large networks, but could also apply to stereotypes around criminality for black people. Both are shite, but present slightly different issues!

Either way, I think that needs to be addressed - most people have unconcious bias, but it is about recognising it and actively addressing it within yourself. That's an easy fix if he is willing to talk and think about it.

More worrying is his reaction around wanting to get a PI and stalking her family on social media - you say he spends a lot of time watching true crime documentaries. Is he also doing a lot of 'research' online?

Because it sounds very much like he is going down a conspiracy theory rabbit hole and that never ends well and is almost impossible to pull people out of - think 9/11, cloud seeding, vaccine denial, deep state etc. Once people are captured by that nonsense, it is really, really difficult to pull them back and they can become obsessive very quickly.

It may be that the girl is just a trigger if he was already starting on that path.

I would get him to the GP and into some kind of therapy ASAP and stop him watching that sort of thing.

The problem seems to have moved on from him wanting a PI to you not trusting anything he says.
I don't think it's too mad to do 'a bit' of digging when a child has a new girlfriend that isn't from a known circle. A quick look at an open facebook page or instagram isn't that damning. What is weird is not coming to you straight away and saying 'I've found this out about x and her family' what do you think?' Sounds like he only looked on FB after his 'gut' said he didn't like her.
He won't tell you why he is behaving like he is. That is what I would want to get to the bottom of pronto.
He was OK at first then went off on one when DS wanted her to stay over. It's like one of those films where he suddenly works out he slept with her mother 18 years ago, or she's his dating his best friend.

He's shagged the mum in the past. Nailed on.

If it’s not a mental health issue, the private eye thing makes me think it’s not actually racism, I think it’s as another poster has said, and that it’s a cover for him already knowing something about this girl or her family, because he doesn’t want you to know HOW he knows it.

Are there any other behaviours to suggest this might be MH related? Does he have form for obsessing over things? Is he under a lot of stress for any reason?

I agree with this....

Don't wait for a blow out, OP You need to talk with your DS. He's almost an adult and NEEDS to know what's going on. Trying to hide this kind of information from him is letting him believe everything is fine at home when it's not.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing everything in your power to confront your husband and shield your son and his girlfriend before it blows up. Unfortunately, it's not your decision to make, your DH took away that decision by behaving like a lunatic. Be honest with your son, he deserves it.

weird as fuck.
I think he's definitely done something dodgy here.

This is beyond bananas op. In no world is this a normal thing to even consider. There's no real way of knowing where this is actually stemming from whether it's an attraction fixation or if she has an online presence or if he's having a mental health crisis and this poor girl has become the target for his paranoia but it is really worrying. The other issue is that even if it was any of those options, the idea he feels entitled enough to hire a Pi to effectively stalk a child for him is very worrying. Even if he found her attractive or had seen her online etc he should still be aware enough of the social boundary that exists when talking about minors. Either his boundaries are not as clear as they should be, or he's unwell and has lost all perspective in which case he's actually a bit unpredictable. Honestly right now, either way, he sounds like a safeguarding red flag and I think you're right to be worried.

I would actually be doing digging of my own to try and work out if he has form for this. What type of content is he engaging with online? Does he track you or your kids for example (and I don't mean PI i mean with apps or air tags?) Are there other elements of control that exist that up to now you've accepted and thought of as normal or protective? You say he can be a bit over protective at times - what does that actually look like?

Is this the first time any of your kids have had boyfriends/girlfriends? If he struggles with control then this could be his narcissistic personality struggling with the fact your ds will naturally become harder to control as he gets older and forms a new family of his own.

Do you have access to your own money/ savings and is there somewhere you could go if you needed to in a hurry? I hate to say it op but a friend of mines husband started to display very paranoid behaviour out of the blue and she went along with it trying to support him and understand him and he then tried to kill her and their kids before killing himself. Thankfully she and her kids survived. Obviously this may not be that extreme but my point is always listen to your gut. It's giving you red flags for a reason here.

Tell us more about your husband. Does he work? Has anything else strange happened lately?

Unless he's got some intel that she's from a family of gangsters, then yes, he's losing the plot!

went through my overactive brain too...😬

a) had an affair with her mother years ago,
b) fancies her for himself,
c) racist,
d) just generally unhinged

I’m Black, I have mixed relatives and friends. We’re in our 20’s and 30’s, and what MN would consider hyper woke. And none of us says ‘dual heritage’. It’s not a commonly used term, it isn’t ’preferred’ and it’s certainly not how anyone self identifies, in my experience. Particularly as many people may have more than two ‘heritages’, so it doesn’t really work.

You’re fine.

I’m very proud of you. Genuinely in a non condescending way. It’s hard to stand up to them and I haven’t managed it yet and I’m a shadow of my former self. I hope he drops it now.

Is it really? Honestly didn’t know that! I say mixed race all the time even at work, ffs, I’m officially my Nanna!

He knows her mother and is trying to create a smokescreen

Ok so I do now think he’s just racist. I don’t know where you go from here. Just keep supporting your son and tell your DH if he continues to pursue this you will report him for harassment? Poor girl 🥺