To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

Definitely check his browsing history. His defensive reactions tell you everything.

He either needs to admit what’s really going on or agree to speak to a doctor for his concerning behaviour.

But then what would getting a PI achieve? I could have bought that it was racism if he was just chuntering about her not being good enough for their boy or something.

The obsession with having her investigated doesn’t tie up with that.

Plus there’s his overreaction when OP asked if he’d recognised her from somewhere. That sounds like he’s hiding something.

Literally nothing about that indicates that she’s low income or not middle class. Just that she’s mixed race. Read it as many times as you required until you grasp that.

Again, you’re as racist as he is. And reacting precisely as one would expect.

Ffs now she is a porn actress. 🙄 Poor girl. Terrible speculation defending a snobby white man.

I'm sure that a passport verification process is required for registering an OF account.
There are legal consequences, fraud and deception.
I doubt she is on only fans, the suggestion is offensive.
I think he's just a snob that expects his DS to have a white MC GF.
He doesn't want the relationship to become longterm.

But random but I think he’s been watching porn and thinks he’s seen her but can’t be sure or explain what that’s where he though he saw her

At 17 she is a child. No way in a million years would a private detective take this on. Stalking a child????

The only one that ends up looking like a nut job is your DH.

He’s either racist or he knows more than he’s letting on. He recognises her family name or used to know her parents. Something fishy going on.

Not all racists are that obvious. Some of them are exactly like the OPs DH, it means they can hide behind confusion. Look at any number of the threads where racism comes up. Unless they outright use a racial slur people defend and say it’s a misunderstanding or the victim has a chip on their shoulder.

I agree it would be a good idea to check out his search history. The only thing that makes sense here is that he knows something about her and desperately wants you to know too, but needs someone else to discover it and tell you. Otherwise the PI thing is so, so bizarre.

But wouldn't OP have noticed before of he IS a racist?
I would notice, if it was my DH.

Not necessarily. The father I mentioned in my previous post gave absolutely no signs of being racist and in his own words "had no need to be until they started trying to join his family"

He kept his opinions hidden until he couldn't hide any longer.

His wife ended up divorcing him after over 20 years because that's when it surfaced.

I'd be inclined to have a good search on his laptop/ phone to see what he's been looking at, his googling history could be very revealing. He absolutely has a guilty secret Op, the remarks about what you think of him are a giveaway. Maybe the one who needs a PI is you but to follow him

Sounds like as pp said he's found her only fans and freaked out now he realised how young she is? Orrrrrrr he tried it on with her mum or something and is worried you'll find out?
Or he's having some kind of breakdown? A knew someone with schizophrenia who became very obsessed with checking that he hadn't "put me in danger" and that's there were "people out there". It's probably not that but it sounds similar

I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

and there you have it…. He’s answered your question, he just hasn’t said what it actually is. Has to be pretty bad to allow it to get to the point you’ve said you’d seek legal advice and he’s just doubling down and gaslighting you further… how could YOU treat him like this OP? 🤦‍♀️ it’s classic deflection.

I’m sorry OP, I guess atleast he’s not a lunatic? Just frantically trying to cover up a lie.

I am just so sorry you are going through this. Its all the more horrendous because it is so puzzling, out of character, and mean spirited. It doesn’t easily fit with normal life (your normal life) nor is it a common form of breakdown. At this point I rather side with the posters who think its an internet induced psychotic episode. This is so scary for you all. Please take care of yourself. Its hard to have your husband acting so erratically while he seems oblivious to the harm.

Could she be your husbands secret daughter?

OP he needs to see a doctor.
Pp's suggesting that they slept together are crazy. Why would she? Yuck.

In fact he was already going there with the past and schools etc…

This is the best explanation to what could be happening. I doubt your husband is serious about the PI. He already knows what the issue is. Most likely a dodgy stuff from the past.

I would have listened to everything he had to say.

How dare you. I am not racist.
or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but
This is OP'S words, she implied the issue was race and class.
Knob.
I am working class, from a low income family. I was thinking about my beautiful teenage daughter in this situation, that a boyfriends father would assume she is trash because I went to a poorer school. I'm that "type" of person, in reality they'd be lucky to have her.

He's fully nuts.
And he's going to do incredible damage here if you don't put a stop to it.

Yeah, he would have had a problem long before the wanting to sleep over if it was just about race.
He's realised who she is, or what she is, or who her family are. There is more to it.
There is clearly something a PI would easily discover about this girl that he is not saying. Her skin colour was obvious from day one.

Unlikely. Probably wrote off previous mutterings as nonsense. Now it’s reached this level she’s concerned. Many partners miss warning signs.

Yes. Or something like this. He has some reason to think she’s bad for your son that he can’t tell you about.

That or he’s not well at the moment - could that be the case?

I think we’re supposed to speculate, for the amusement of others elsewhere.

From your update OP, I’m thinking two things. Could be one or the other or a bit of both.

It’s a race/class thing. Is the mum white and she has black and brown friends/family? Does she associate with people that look, let’s say a bit ‘thug’? I agree with others that a lot of people aren’t racist as long as people who aren’t like them stay in the next town over or don’t try to mingle too much.

Or he knows the mum or an aunt or a sister for reasons that he would not want others to find out and is now in a panic because worlds are colliding?