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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
Titasaducksarse · 13/07/2025 19:48

bumblecoach · 13/07/2025 19:18

he probably fancies her

About to say the same

Sassybooklover · 13/07/2025 19:47

Mmm...a very odd reaction to a girl he's only met twice. I would be wondering if your husband knows something about this young girl or her family, that he can't share openly with you???!! Or he is heading to some kind of mental health breakdown?? I understand as a parent we want to protect our children, but this suggestion is not only bizarre, it's utterly crazy. You absolutely need to talk him out of hiring a PI.

outerspacepotato · 13/07/2025 19:45

Racist. Big time.

Your husband is losing it because son's new GF is mixed race.

LucyMonth · 13/07/2025 19:45

Oh just saw the update. He’s just plain old racist.

Kissedbyfire1 · 13/07/2025 19:45

Racist. He thinks that she’s from a criminal background or something because of her ethnicity. He wants to know everything possible about her family. Horrible.

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2025 19:44

Either
He knows something he isn't sharing with you
He is racist
He is a loon

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 13/07/2025 19:43

PinkGlitterNails · 13/07/2025 19:42

Given the update, DH sounds racist.

Yup. It’s hard to get away from this.

LucyMonth · 13/07/2025 19:43

I thought it was insane making a 17 year old keep the door open to watch a film with his girlfriend but the PI thing is truly terrifying. Funny that your DH thinks this kid might be “hiding something” but it’s him that’s a creepy lunatic.

If I was this girls mother and I knew some middle aged man was getting someone to essentially stalk her…my God I’d be horrified.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2025 19:42

“If you do this, I will tell DS”. And mean it.

PinkGlitterNails · 13/07/2025 19:42

Given the update, DH sounds racist.

Original poster
LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:40

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

OP posts:
Alex198992 · 13/07/2025 19:40

I would put money on your DH having seen her/paid for her content on OnlyFans. He can't come out and say it so is having to go through the facade of hiring a private investigator.

Scarlettpixie · 13/07/2025 19:39

Flipping hell that's mad. Yes DS and his GF will rightly be furious if they find out. This is not normal parenting or normal behaviour at all. You (and he) have to trust your son to make his own choices and should be nothing short of welcoming to the GF until you have a very good reason not to.

SpencerGarciaGideon · 13/07/2025 19:37

something similar happened with one of my cousins. "The adults" were acting strange and didn't want them to spend the night together. Turned out her BF was actually our other Uncle's son and so they didn't want two cousins procreating. There's nothing illegal about it but they thought it would be frowned upon.

Maybe hubby knows something you don't.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 13/07/2025 19:35

I've read some mad shit on here but fucking hell this makes the top 5!! A fucking PI for a 17yr old girl to stay over with her boyfriend?? Tell D(elusional)H to wind his neck in

Evaka · 13/07/2025 19:31

I would be very worried about this. If it's out of character, very scary. If he had form for being super paranoid, well very scary too.

Nopersbro · 13/07/2025 19:28

The only think I can think of that she could be hiding that would be a real danger to your son is if she an adult under a false identity grooming him or planning to exploit him in some way. While that's possible, it sounds a little far-fetched especially if no one else believes it and there's no evidence or even odd behaviour that suggests something like that. And I doubt she'd be rushing to stay at mum 'n' dad's house if that were true; she'd be trying to isolate your son.

Given that she's from nearby, does your son have friends or acquaintances in common that know here, maybe someone who goes to school with her? How did they meet? Getting to know her a little bit better will give a better idea if there's really an issue than playing detective.

beachcitygirl · 13/07/2025 19:19

I would worry that he’s seen her on an only fans or something. ~ otherwise he sounds batshit

ARichtGoodDram · 13/07/2025 19:19

Is there possibly something about her that's sparked it and he's trying not to say as he knows it's ridiculous?

The father of one of my DDs friends did something like this when she had a boyfriend and it was as basic as he'd managed to hide the fact he was a raging racist until his daughter had a non-white boyfriend...

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/07/2025 19:19

Is she a different race/religion/social class to you and your husband can’t specify that this is what’s making him uncomfortable?

bumblecoach · 13/07/2025 19:18

he probably fancies her

CandleRigg89 · 13/07/2025 19:17

Oh dear.

This sounds like paranoid delusions. Does he have a history of mental illness? Dementia in the family?

PinkGlitterNails · 13/07/2025 19:17

How is he going to keep track of DS when DS leaves home?

Givenupshopping · 13/07/2025 19:16

Until you mentioned the private eye, I must admit my first thought was that your DH had tried it on with her, and she'd told him he was old enough to be her Grandad or something, so he just wanted her gone from your lives. However the private eye thing, is something different altogether. Have you looked at her socials OP? Has your DH, and seen something that's given him a bad vibe about her? If not, then I agree with the other posters, he either needs to see a doctor, or you need to tell him to stop being such an idiot, as if his son gets wind of what he thinks, he'll be moving out for sure!

ExitPursuedByABare · 13/07/2025 19:16

Madness