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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
babyproblems · 13/07/2025 20:11

Jesus Christ. I think the girl/her family would be right to pursue legal action tbh if they found out your DH is paying someone to stalk her basically. What’s this about really???! It’s definitely not about the girl imo.

carly2803 · 13/07/2025 20:11

he has seen her on only fans, and wants the PI to investigate and "find" this

Stopbitingyourhands · 13/07/2025 20:11

I would expect any decent PA to contact the police as a safeguarding concern. If her parents find out I would expect they will contact the police. How would you feel if girlfriends parents became obsessed with your child to this degree?

DaisyChain505 · 13/07/2025 20:10

There is more to this. You need to sit him down and point blank say to him that you know something more is going on here and he needs to tell you what it is.

LaLaLoca · 13/07/2025 20:09

I’m afraid that the only rational explanation is due to her heritage. He’s uncomfortable because she has different coloured skin, your ‘darling’ husband is xenophobic.

Sexlessandconfused · 13/07/2025 20:09

This is actually hilarious 🤣

I mean it's very worrying but if DP came out with something like this seriously id be questioning his IQ, getting a mental health assessment or telling anyone and everyone just to highlight how nuts he's being and wait for everyone else to tell him that to bring him back to reality.

Also I PI wouldn't investigate a child. You can't even do Claire's law on a child. She won't have bank accounts with registered addresses and debts etc. She won't have a work history or historical paper trails. What exactly can they investigate? Watching her go to school? Watching her do homework? Watching her cycling to a friend's house?

It's actually so nuts it's funny.

Even if he were racist, then unless he had mental illness he wouldn't be considering a PI because of the information above. There wouldn't be any information to gain. He'd just quietly seethe.

I actually think he's attracted to her so wants to know more about her. Sometimes people become obsessed with someone because they desire them, want to know everything about them etc He may not be comfortable with these feelings or want to consciously acknowledge it so instead feels 'somethings off', because he feels something about her and it causes him discomfort but he can't own up consciously to the attraction.

Sunaquarius · 13/07/2025 20:08

Yes. He sounds paranoid

BeltaLodaLife · 13/07/2025 20:07

Are you landed gentry with millions in the bank, while she has 2 or 3 rich dead husbands behind her?? Coz unless that’s what’s going on… your husband is a nutcase and I’d be sitting him down for a bit of an intervention with some serious consequences if he doesn’t explain himself and then get some help.

Velmy · 13/07/2025 20:07

Awful way to find out your husband is either racist or mentally ill.

LoudSnoringDog · 13/07/2025 20:06

Is he mentally unwell? It’s an odd decision to jump to

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2025 20:06

ttcat37 · 13/07/2025 19:52

My theory Apparently lots of peoples’ theory: he thinks he recognises her from porn/ only fans but doesn’t want to confess to how he knows

Edited

It’s deeply depressing when you think about how astonishingly unlikely it would be for the converse to happen. A middle aged woman wants to stalk her DD’s boyfriend because she was consuming his porn.

All the Envy

ThriveAT · 13/07/2025 20:05

He's nuts.

Teenybub · 13/07/2025 20:05

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

I know this is a joke, but the first thing that came to my mind was he knows something about her but can’t come clean what it is so wants it to come out another way!

ConcernedOfClapham · 13/07/2025 20:04

tinyspiny · 13/07/2025 19:10

What does he think she is going to do ? Is your son heir to a massive fortune or something ? He needs to butt out and stop being ridiculous

Yeah, expecting a drip-feed here; DS is a minor royal, and has taken up with <gasp> a member of the lower classes 😧

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 13/07/2025 20:04

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

😂

Hotflushesandchilblains · 13/07/2025 20:00

Shades of Meet the Fockers - unless he is Robert De Niro in a comedy blockbuster, he is being beyond disturbingly weird.

Evaka · 13/07/2025 19:58

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:40

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

Nightmare indeed. I'd put some of those theories to him OP to try and smoke out what's going on in his mind. Might help him see how nuts he's being if you tell him you're worried that he fancies a kid or is a closet nazi.

BCBird · 13/07/2025 19:55

Has she got a sister who he may have paid to view on Only Fans? Unlikely to be her.

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 19:55

loing the plot?.....plot is disappearing over the hill and into the far distance.

BCBird · 13/07/2025 19:54

Im afraid it sounds as if he is racist OP. Does not make sense why he would insist on PI. What crime or unsavoury fact is he hoping to.find out? As a mixed race person, once in a professional setting when myself and a colleague had a simple professional disagreement, she asked me if my siblings would come after her with a shotgun🙄 level of ignorance of some is shocking. 😬

ttcat37 · 13/07/2025 19:52

My theory Apparently lots of peoples’ theory: he thinks he recognises her from porn/ only fans but doesn’t want to confess to how he knows

Woodworm2020 · 13/07/2025 19:52

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

This

NoHunsHereHun · 13/07/2025 19:49

Oh, he’s not mad, just plain racist. He can’t put his finger on it in the way people can’t articulate what exactly they don’t/didn’t like about Meghan Markle. You’ll likely come back and deny it, but this is exactly what it is.

HelloGreen · 13/07/2025 19:48

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

This is exactly what I thought. If the PI discovers OF/Porn then your DH already knew it.

SunsetCocktails · 13/07/2025 19:48

As if a PI would investigate a child….