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Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
notawittyname1954 · 13/07/2025 20:58

Has your son had previous girlfriends? If so its strange that he has got so suspicious of this particular one. I imagine your son would be extremely insulted and how awkward will it be moving forward if he employs a PI. he does need to explain his reasons properly to you.

Delphiniumandlupins · 13/07/2025 20:58

I would ask him what he thinks a PI could discover about a 17 year old schoolgirl and what he would do with the information? How would he feel if it was his child being investigated - and statistically your DS is more likely to be a danger than the girl.

Monty27 · 13/07/2025 20:57

Is your dh hiding something. Also I'd tell ds and ask if he could stay at gfs instead.
I'd also consider leaving dh for all the surmised comments above.

outerspacepotato · 13/07/2025 20:56

I'd insist he tells you just what's up with such an irrational idea of stalking a minor via private eye or he's going to schedule a mental status exam or he's going to be divorced.

I suspect he's wildly racist and having a mental health spiral because of his son dating a young woman who's mixed race. But it could be he thinks she's someone he's seen on Only Fans.

Has he been watching right wing or incel content? Is he on Only Fans or other porn sites?

I wouldn't have son's gf over at this time for her own safety. Your husband is acting irrationally and hiding something and I would be worried he would possibly harm her.

PinkyFlamingo · 13/07/2025 20:54

My first thought is he's becoming unwell with some sort of paranoid psychosis. But it sounds like it's just specifically focused on your DSs girlfriend. Unless you've noticed other signs?

Blessthismess2 · 13/07/2025 20:54

DH has lost the plot!!

Dramatic · 13/07/2025 20:53

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 20:33

Honestly I don’t even know what to say anymore. This has gone from me thinking DH was just being a bit OTT to full-on questioning if I’m living with an actual lunatic.

I’ve just sat him down and tried to get him to actually explain why he feels so strongly about this. And you lot are right - he still couldn’t give me anything concrete. Just kept saying things like “something’s not right” and “I’ve got a gut feeling”. I pushed and asked if it was about her race or background and he got all defensive and accused me of turning it into something it’s not. But still gave no reason. Just more vague vibes.

I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

So… yeah. I’m really not ok with this. It does feel racist or obsessive or something equally disturbing, and I can’t believe I’m saying this about my own husband. The thought that he might actually go ahead and try to hire someone to follow this poor girl makes me feel sick.

I told him flat out, if he contacts anyone I will tell DS and I’ll be the one calling her parents myself. I also said he needs to either tell me what this is really about or go talk to someone professionally, because this isn’t normal.

DS is still in the dark for now but I honestly don’t know how long I can sit on this. DH has completely lost perspective and it’s like trying to reason with someone who’s halfway through writing a conspiracy blog.

Thank you all so much for your comments - I think I needed the full chorus of “this is bonkers” to really hit home that this isn’t just a bad parenting moment. It’s something bigger and possibly darker. I’m honestly a bit scared of where this goes next.

I'm sorry op, it is a really bizarre and extreme reaction from him. I think you're right to be concerned about some sort of darker reason, I can only think that either he fancies her, he's seen her on OF or he's racist. None of them are innocent reasons and all of them would have me questioning the relationship if it was my husband doing this.

Cucy · 13/07/2025 20:51

Well done for being so straight with him.

This is not normal.
No matter how much of a bad feeling I get from someone’s new partner, it has never been crossed my mind to get a PI!

How dodgy can a 17yo actually be!

Do not tell your DS anything and continue to welcome her into your home.

Dstoat · 13/07/2025 20:50

He needs to think how this will play publicly for him and DS. White middle aged man stalks son’s underage girlfriend hiring a private detective to know her very move and routine. He will look like an utterly crazy, dangerous pervert. Think of how that will feel to DS what it will do to him (not to mention her!). Maybe she’s quiet because she’s picked up on that he’s fucking unhinged…He’s risking his reputation his sons and police involvement. He needs a serious sharp shock and you need a real think about what else about him isn’t right…

cc99xo · 13/07/2025 20:49

What possibly does he think a teenage girl is hiding?

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 13/07/2025 20:47

Logically - any information about a 17 year old, i.e. not an adult would be about A CHILD, so a PI would not be able to access much anyway. If she did have a criminal record, it would be under seal, but she is too young for a DBS check.

But if you as a PI to look into the background of a 17 year old girl, mixed race girl at 6th form, am sure that most PIs would run a mile.

Your DH sounds unhinged.

Mmhmmn · 13/07/2025 20:46

Despite my last comment, given his behaviour I’m starting to wonder if you should hire a PI to investigate your DH!

Smittenkitchen · 13/07/2025 20:46

I wouldn't say anything to DS unless he actually goes ahead with it. It shouldn't be his problem that his dad is a crank.

DreamTheMoors · 13/07/2025 20:45

If your husband is trying to keep this young lady away from your son — and your son catches wind of it — that’s the surest way in the world for your son to want be with this young lady.
The exact same thing happened to me, only my mum tried to keep me away from a darling boy I fancied.
She was exactly right, of course, but what kid with stars in their eyes can see that?

Finteq · 13/07/2025 20:45

But why would he flip even harder when asked an innocent question like- if he recognised her from somewhere.

Why would he think that's a disgusting question?

I'm leaning more towards the only fans idea.

Obviously you can't let him. But the answer would come if he did ' hire' a PI who finds out something unsavoury and it will also tell you something about him.

Unless this is totally made up.

Dstoat · 13/07/2025 20:45

He’s probably seen a different mixed race woman on his onlyfans and can’t bloody tell the difference between them. He sounds truly unhinged. I’d threaten him with the police. She’s a CHILD. He can’t stalk her even by proxy.

DaisyChain505 · 13/07/2025 20:44

My mind has sprung to maybe he’s seen her on only fans or something and wants to pretend that the private investigator found out this information instead of people knowing it’s from him?

KateMiskin · 13/07/2025 20:43

Racist. He thinks non-whites must all be petty criminals.
Watching too much right wing content.

2chocolateoranges · 13/07/2025 20:43

I would be li I'd if this is what dh suggested for our children

Personally when it comes to our children's boyfriends and girlfriend's we trust that we have given our children good morales, good direction and guidance and that the support we give them enables them to choose a 'good' partner and to set boundaries etc in place to ensure they are treated well.

JuvenileBigfoot · 13/07/2025 20:42

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:40

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

Aaaand there we have it.

She is mixed race.

Mystery solved.

Miniatureschnauzers · 13/07/2025 20:41

@LittleMarmiteQueen a good indicator of current behaviour is previous behaviour… how does he normally communicate? Does he hide stuff and speak vaguely; or ‘flip’ when challenged? Have you always felt that he is quite a closed book and maybe is hiding some stuff? What are his views about difference, in terms of race/sexuality/gender, etc.?

elastamum · 13/07/2025 20:41

This is horrible. Maybe tell your husband that if he starts snooping her or hires a PI you will have to tell your son, as this is a gross invasion of her privacy. And also point out to him that it could also cause your son to cut contact with you both as soon as he becomes an independent adult.

CluelessAboutBiology · 13/07/2025 20:41

ShallinloveDelight · 13/07/2025 20:38

He's either a moron or a liar, you're probably best to judge which.

Or both

Mmhmmn · 13/07/2025 20:41

Has he been stalking her Facebook or something? Or asking people about her? Just why is he so suspicious? Whatever, it’s a deeply abnormal reaction and he needs to get a grip.

You don’t deal with issues that might arise with people by secretive and furtive means, much less a 17 yo. Is he not confident that the two of you have raised a sensible boy who can come talk to you if a problem arises?

Pyjamatimenow · 13/07/2025 20:40

Does she maybe look like an ex girlfriend that’s done him wrong?