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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 13/07/2025 21:25

PinkGlitterNails · 13/07/2025 19:42

Given the update, DH sounds racist.

More likely a class thing tbh. Just with OPs wording she comes from ‘the next town over’. This has connotations of ‘wrong side of town’. If you’re middle class you’re going to want your dc to mix with the same ilk, not someone from a lower class background who might be a distraction. That’s the reality.

EasyTouch · 13/07/2025 21:24

He's racist. Liberal on paper, but wants no divestment from Whiteness besmirching his family life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2025 21:23

Pedallleur · 13/07/2025 21:17

Let's reverse it and the GFs father wants her bf investigated. Thinks he's a wrong un. What would the boys father think?

Why? Why does everything irreverent need to be ‘reversed’?

whitewineandsun · 13/07/2025 21:22

He has seen something online through OF or whatever. He wants the PI, so you won't know he already knew.

Stalking a teenager by proxy. Unhinged.

Step5678 · 13/07/2025 21:18

Is there anything else strange in your husband's behaviour which might point to some sort of paranoia/psychosis developing? Is he typically very closed off and doesn't welcome others into his bubble, or is this behaviour aimed solely at this poor girl?

I would worry about her safety at your home tbh, I wonder if he doesn't trust himself.

Good luck OP, sounds like a difficult situation and you are doing your best to keep it rational

Pedallleur · 13/07/2025 21:17

Let's reverse it and the GFs father wants her bf investigated. Thinks he's a wrong un. What would the boys father think?

Namechangerage · 13/07/2025 21:16

Dstoat · 13/07/2025 20:45

He’s probably seen a different mixed race woman on his onlyfans and can’t bloody tell the difference between them. He sounds truly unhinged. I’d threaten him with the police. She’s a CHILD. He can’t stalk her even by proxy.

This is what I was thinking. I’d have to LTB, sorry OP. He doesn’t sound like a nice person to be around…

Soontobesingles · 13/07/2025 21:14

Is your DH suffering from a mental illness or sudden neurological condition? Assuming this is not normal for him I’d maybe get a drs appointment as this is not normal
to the point of being deranged.

Zanatdy · 13/07/2025 21:14

I’d be reporting him to the police if he got a private investigator stalking a child. I’d be seriously sending him to the GP, this is far from normal.

lifeonmars100 · 13/07/2025 21:14

PinkGlitterNails · 13/07/2025 19:42

Given the update, DH sounds racist.

That is what jumped out at me, probably thinks she is from a family of drug dealers all dripping in gold with diamonds drilled into their teeth.

LBFseBrom · 13/07/2025 21:13

This is a difficult one. All I can say is, if your husband does have the girl (& presumably her family), checked out, she won't know. The people who do these snooping things are professional and discreet. It might put your husband's mind at rest but I agree with everyone else, it is most odd and not a pleasant idea. However you can't stop it if he is determined.

lifeonmars100 · 13/07/2025 21:11

This is one of the maddest things I have ever read on here. I can't even begin to think of any reason he would do this unless he knows her or someone in her family or social circle who knows something dodgy about him. Other that that is is just bonkers

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/07/2025 21:09

I'm also thinking he knows her, or knows someone connected to her.

He'll present you with what the investigator has unearthed, only he knew it all along and didn't actually hire one.

Too close to home. If he was racist, you'd know by now having been married for so long.

Fancies,
Hit on her sister/mum/friend,
Online shenanigans/sugar daddy sites,
She's an ex's child.

Keepingoin · 13/07/2025 21:09

If your DH is uncomfortable with the situation the first thing he should do is question your son & be honest about his feelings.

Lilactimes · 13/07/2025 21:08

Could she be his child from a past relationship and he’s trying to find out for your son’s sake?

I would show him this thread too maybe.
His behaviour is extremely strange.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 13/07/2025 21:08

I think it's sexual based. I don't think he would be thinking to get a PI if he was racist. It's like he KNOWS something and can use it against her. Cam girl or something.

cupfinalchaos · 13/07/2025 21:07

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

This was my first thought.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/07/2025 21:07

vivideye · 13/07/2025 21:04

I'm afraid the first thing I thought was that your husband made some sort of an unsuccessful pass at her or otherwise has said something so wholly inappropriate he's terrified that she will tell your son or you about it. It happens a lot, sorry.

Yeah this. ^

Digdongdoo · 13/07/2025 21:05

He fancies her, or he's racist. Probably both.
Or he already knows her.
There's no good reason for that behaviour

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/07/2025 21:04

bjkhilg890 · 13/07/2025 21:03

A 17 year old?

Show quote history

He's a middle aged man, so possibly yes...... More likely he's a raging racist though (the OP said the girl is mixed race.)

vivideye · 13/07/2025 21:04

I'm afraid the first thing I thought was that your husband made some sort of an unsuccessful pass at her or otherwise has said something so wholly inappropriate he's terrified that she will tell your son or you about it. It happens a lot, sorry.

bjkhilg890 · 13/07/2025 21:03

bumblecoach · 13/07/2025 19:18

he probably fancies her

A 17 year old?

Robogob · 13/07/2025 21:03

He knows her. I’d put money on it.

Zucker · 13/07/2025 21:02

If this was the movies it would turn out years ago he had an affair and this was his long lost daughter!

However real life is far more boring and most likely he's being racist. Plus as others have pointed out she's 17 so in what world would a P.I. investigate someone underage. Her parents would do well to keep their daughter away from your husband tbh.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/07/2025 21:02

Yeah sorry @LittleMarmiteQueen you are married to a racist, and one who is fucking bonkers. I don't think I could get past this tbh. He sounds dreadful.