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Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
Littleone777 · 13/07/2025 22:28

racist.

OneAmberFinch · 13/07/2025 22:25

Get a friend to pose as a PI ;)

TheJinxMinx · 13/07/2025 22:25

You did the right thing OP DHs behaviour is disgusting tbh and not at all normal. If I found out some parent had payed a PI to watch my child I would go off my lid it would be brought straight to the police for stalking and invasion or privacy. He has no justified cause at all just " a feeling" try telling that to a judge. He needs some professional help this isn't normal behaviour your poor DS

dunroamingfornow · 13/07/2025 22:25

Essentially he wants to instruct a PI to investigate a child. If he actually intends to do this I doubt he’ll find one to take the case. Wouldn’t that be illegal ?

Worriedmum67 · 13/07/2025 22:23

She is an escort and he has used her services, as he can't tell you that he fakes hiring a PI

Shenmen · 13/07/2025 22:20

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:40

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

I knew 100% reading that she would not be white British heritage. Your DH is a racist twat. I would leave mine if he acted liked this. I have no time for small minded fools.

wrongthinker · 13/07/2025 22:14

I hope you get to the bottom of it, OP, and that there's a reasonable explanation for your husband's insanity!

Rallentanda · 13/07/2025 22:13

He’s having a breakdown
he’s a racist
he thinks there’s a chance he could be her father
he’s seen her on Onlyfans or similar
he’s somehow learned something about a member of her family that worries him

If this were a tv drama then 18 years ago (give or take) he had an affair and fast forward to now: he’s just learned who her mum is and has put two and two together. That’s why he thought the suggestion of her doing porn was abhorrent. The whole thing is causing him to spiral.

Dita73 · 13/07/2025 22:11

Your husband wants to pay a private investigator to stalk a 17 year old girl. He’s a bloody nutjob

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 22:11

arcticpandas · 13/07/2025 21:32

OK so 3 options:

  1. He thinks he recognises her from some only fans site/escort service he has used/other
  2. He is racist.
  3. He's going mad.

This and one more option

  1. he suspects or knows he is her father and they are committing incest
godmum56 · 13/07/2025 22:10

Unicornsandprincesses · 13/07/2025 21:36

"I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea."

Ah, well there's your answer....

Show quote history

If somebody asked me that auestion, I wouldn't flip because I'd think they meant serving in a pub or working in a local shop.....

whitewineandsun · 13/07/2025 22:10

ItsBella · 13/07/2025 22:06

It doesn't matter what underlies this, if this were my DD and I got a wind of this, I'd be advising my DD to run a mile from your son and the whole family. I'd worry she's not safe. There's something very wrong with your DH but it's going to affect you and your son as well, if anything comes of it.

Agree. That poor girl.

bumblebubble23 · 13/07/2025 22:10

DifferentChoicesTooLate · 13/07/2025 19:08

If I found out my teenager DD boyfriends father had done this I would be talking to her seriously about the type of family bf is from!

This is frankly disgusting

This, I wouldn’t let my daughter go to your house if I knew he’d done this

ItsBella · 13/07/2025 22:06

It doesn't matter what underlies this, if this were my DD and I got a wind of this, I'd be advising my DD to run a mile from your son and the whole family. I'd worry she's not safe. There's something very wrong with your DH but it's going to affect you and your son as well, if anything comes of it.

Scout2016 · 13/07/2025 22:04

If she were his daughter how would a PI help? Unless he plans to lie and say the PI saw her breaking into a house or mugging an old lady or something...
But surely he would have to tell his son asap if that were the case, just for ethical reasons so he's not dating his sister? How would you sit on that knowledge?

Maybe he has had a thing with someone in her family at some time and doesn't want the two worlds colliding? Like he dated her aunt and hasn't told you when you've discussed exes.

Sassybooklover · 13/07/2025 22:03

I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

This stood out to me. All you said 'are you sure this isn't something to do with you recognising her from somewhere', and he immediately went defensive. You didn't say anything offensive or accuse him of anything. The words you used didn't necessarily imply anything untoward but he immediately went there. I think he either recognises her or knows her Mum. I don't think this is a race thing either, it's obvious looking at her she's mixed race!

murasaki · 13/07/2025 22:03

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2025 21:58

Except they won't because she is a child. If the firm was properly ethical and did discover anything, as suggested, they would inform SS and if the OP's DH has been watching child abuse images (which it would be because she's under 18) then his nice MC world might just come crashing down.
Interesting that everyone is thinking this child is involved in prostitution and that the DH isn't just a racist twat. He might have been checking out her socials and looking at bikini/dancing videos. Of course it's her fault, black girls sadly are used to this shit. That's why black children, particularly girls are disproportionately and wrongly stripped searched by the police. Assuming he is the father, means the mother is black, again posters need to check their bias. It's getting serious, of course this mixed race girl, from the wrong side of the tracks wants to bag herself his MC sion via pregnancy.

Show quote history

Oh I'm totally thinking he's a racist twat.

InternationalHulaClub · 13/07/2025 21:59

Having witnessed a friend have a psychotic breakdown this sounds a bit like how it started. A random person becoming the fixation for paranoia, my friend not trying to hide his suspicions (this is key) but eventually becoming convinced more people were involved in something vague against him until then he started to say people were spies and trying to steal information from his head. I'm not saying this is definitely what's going on here but I wouldn't rule it out just yet.

Monty27 · 13/07/2025 21:58

He'll be arrested for stalking a miner hopefully

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2025 21:58

Unicornsandprincesses · 13/07/2025 21:34

My first thought too. He's seen her somewhere he shouldn't but can't tell anybody, so needs to hire somebody else to "discover" her secret and spill the beans...

Show quote history

Except they won't because she is a child. If the firm was properly ethical and did discover anything, as suggested, they would inform SS and if the OP's DH has been watching child abuse images (which it would be because she's under 18) then his nice MC world might just come crashing down.
Interesting that everyone is thinking this child is involved in prostitution and that the DH isn't just a racist twat. He might have been checking out her socials and looking at bikini/dancing videos. Of course it's her fault, black girls sadly are used to this shit. That's why black children, particularly girls are disproportionately and wrongly stripped searched by the police. Assuming he is the father, means the mother is black, again posters need to check their bias. It's getting serious, of course this mixed race girl, from the wrong side of the tracks wants to bag herself his MC sion via pregnancy.

wizzywig · 13/07/2025 21:57

Check his phone to see what he's looking at

Genevieva · 13/07/2025 21:56

She spends a lot of time at your house, but you’ve only met her twice? Sounds like your husband just needs to be around and actively engaged in his son’s life a bit more.

EggnogNoggin · 13/07/2025 21:55

Can you even imagine finding out your 17 year old daughter's boyfriends dad has hired a PI over her?

Aside from morals, can it even be legal to stalk a child?

It's so disturbing.

AlertEagle · 13/07/2025 21:55

This reminds me of that Netflix series where the dad was obsessed with his sons girlfriend that even followed them on their holiday, got the same room they were in and came on the pillow.

Alstromeria · 13/07/2025 21:54

If I was the GF and I found out you was wanting to hire a PI to look into me, I'd never set foot in your house or speak to your DH ever again. That is creepy AF.

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