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Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 14/07/2025 09:30

NeedToChangeName · 14/07/2025 07:50

FYI "mixed race" isn't the preferred term nowadays. "Dual heritage" is better

Show quote history

🙄

yellowdress34 · 14/07/2025 09:30

Unicornsandprincesses · 13/07/2025 21:36

"I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea."

Ah, well there's your answer....

Show quote history

It is 100% this. It's where he reacted most strongly. This is the row of giant red flags. The race aspect is a giant red herring.

aCatCalledFawkes · 14/07/2025 09:01

A grown man suggesting that he's needs to stalk his teenage son girlfriend <even if it is through a PI> is pretty grim OP. Your H is giving off some abusive vibes.

sandwichlover93 · 14/07/2025 08:59

BCBird · 13/07/2025 19:54

Im afraid it sounds as if he is racist OP. Does not make sense why he would insist on PI. What crime or unsavoury fact is he hoping to.find out? As a mixed race person, once in a professional setting when myself and a colleague had a simple professional disagreement, she asked me if my siblings would come after her with a shotgun🙄 level of ignorance of some is shocking. 😬

What am I reading?! Jesus f’ing Christ! Some people. I’m sorry you have to put up with that bullshit.

Sexlessandconfused · 14/07/2025 08:56

@NeedToChangeName since when? I'm black, partner white and our children 'mixed race'. When did this not become acceptable and why?

In my circles a lot of us are black/mixed and say 'mixed'. When referring to ourselves or our children. When did this not become okay to say and why?

MissDoubleU · 14/07/2025 08:45

His incredibly defensive reaction also says to me there’s a lot more to this that he isn’t telling you. Feels very sinister.

The fact he feels it would be acceptable to hire a (presumably) adult man to stalk a teenage girl is terrifying.

Honestly, I would be asking him to leave if he can’t explain himself fully. This is insane.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 14/07/2025 08:08

Maybe you should hire a PI to keep an eye on your husband.

NeedToChangeName · 14/07/2025 07:50

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:40

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

FYI "mixed race" isn't the preferred term nowadays. "Dual heritage" is better

Shelby2010 · 14/07/2025 07:31

Maybe you should be checking out DH’s browsing & email history. See which rabbit holes he’s been falling down lately. Or if he does have a secret Only Fans account.

Wanting to hire a PI is seriously unhinged, I would be worried for his mental health at this point.

And even if she was on Only Fans or similar, it would only be a ‘thing’ because she was underage. I mean it’s a bit seedy but otherwise not illegal. Is he worried about drugs or gang links following (subconscious?) racial profiling??

Jennyathemall · 14/07/2025 06:40

Nuts

labamba18 · 14/07/2025 04:57

I think if anyone needs investigation it’s him. How bizarre!

ApolloandDaphne · 14/07/2025 04:05

How very odd. What can a 17yo be hiding? More likely he is hiding something.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/07/2025 03:47

Let him do it. Silly man, he deserves to be wrong and check his attitude, tell DS too. If everyone is expected to be honest and trustworthy, let him openly discuss the findings as a family.
He deserves the consequences.

Kchs232 · 14/07/2025 02:21

Can 17 year olds have onlyfans accounts and post content?! I know on Facebook you can lie about your age but if posting pornographic content surely they would check otherwise it's child porn and the website could be in serious trouble.

But he does sound racist. Shes 17, still in 6th form. What could he possibly think shes hiding?!

Dancingintherainxxx · 14/07/2025 01:40

Your DH is projecting. He's hiding something.

VehicleTracker77 · 14/07/2025 01:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/07/2025 00:52

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 13/07/2025 23:23

Adding to the other theories:

  1. Is this your DS's first proper girlfriend (as in sexual partner) & your DH is a bit prim & proper?

  2. Did something bad happen to your DH earlier in life & the GF has somehow triggered him (something to do with her name, looks, general background) e.g. was your DH attacked, a drug dealer or involved in any crime & the girl's family were involved? Or has your DH committed a crime against her family?

  3. I don't know what your DH's job is but if he's in the police, social services, security services, military, medical services does he know something that would get him into trouble if he directly told you because of the confidentiality/ethics of his profession? (This does happen)

  4. Is your DH a true crime fanatic & he's thinking the GF is a child of a major criminal or a notorious murderer?

  5. Does your DH have a secret life - is he a secret drug dealer & has sold drugs to her family?

I really think you need to have it out with him.
I hope it's scenario 1 or even scenario 4 although that is a bit bonkers!

I hope your DH isn't in the throes of a mental breakdown or up to no good

If he had that kind of job he’d surely be able to handle this scenario better.

Tahlbias · 14/07/2025 00:28

😲

ThreeLocusts · 14/07/2025 00:27

Peacepleaselouise · 13/07/2025 23:11

I think all the wild ideas are probably less likely than a dad realising his son is growing up and freaking out as he has no control and trying to find some control (in a totally bonkers way!). I’d get him to go to counselling.

OP what a weird and unpleasant situation, I'm sorry. I hope that the above comment is right and DH is having some sort of parental midlife crisis.

But I must admit that the fact that he blew up when you asked whether he recognized the girl from somewhere makes me wonder whether he (thinks he) has seen her in some unsavory context that would reflect poorly on him.

Then again, that feels like jumping to conclusions and rifling through his phone on this basis doesn't seem healthy. What a mess.

As someone said, a PI would be stalking by proxy and that is just not on. Have another go at talking to him calmly. But if he doesn't relent, there isn't really a good way forward I can see, or an explanation that isn't at least somewhat unflattering for DH.

ForHeartyPeachOtter · 14/07/2025 00:15

Does he suspect she’s his secret love child? Sorry I watch too many soaps.

MumWifeOther · 14/07/2025 00:02

This is so odd that I want to laugh but in all honesty, maybe your DH needs to see the GP.

Piknik · 14/07/2025 00:02

Nothing more to add other than yes, bokers

Agree it's either Racism or something sexual (seen her onlyfans / fancies her / chatted her up once somewhere / who knows?)

Is she weird around him at all? Or is it one way?

Either way, I would be putting my foot down. Hard.

Offit · 13/07/2025 23:58

My first thought is that he's seen her in pornography/something like onlyfans and wants someone else to find it so he doesn't have to tell his family he's searching for 'barely legal' or similar. Awful but that would explain it.

Pixiedusty · 13/07/2025 23:56

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

This was also my first thought although in that case surely they wouldn't need to hire a PI and would already know what's going on...or is the PI a decoy so OP wouldn't know about his OF account? Hmm

JFDIYOLO · 13/07/2025 23:55

I'd say it's racism. He may genuinely not be able to cite anything specific - because the only thing there is his unease at being around a mixed race girl, his son being with her, maybe mixed race grandkids down the line.

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