Dd(10) uninvited from party

1967, I had my one and only birthday party.

My two cousins were invited. From our tenement block, the three girls and one boy in the block whom I played with were invited.

To my consternation, the bullying family from the block turned up. Mum didn't have the heart to turn them away: "They were just on the doorstep and they had a quarter pound of Milk Tray with them..."

A good time was genuinely had by all. The bullies were thoroughly reformed.

Just at the point when my adult front teeth were growing through, I had a stone thrown at me by a member of the bullying family. Result: I attended the latter part of primary school and part of high school with an inverted V-shaped gap in my teeth.

At 14, the dentist was able to fill the gap with composite. On the evening of the senior dance, one side fell off. Joy.

At 20 I had them crowned. At 55, I paid more than 4k to have the crowns renewed. By then, the root of one was being absorbed into the jaw. Very rare, I'm told, but it can happen with some crowns, so a titanium implant had to be used.

My point is that you're really not going to reform children who are the product of bad parenting and it's not the OP's job to be kind and to civilise another woman's child. As she has quite rightly said, her concern is looking after her daughter and making sure that she doesn't miss out on the experience of an end-of-term party.

All of the people on here bleating about @freddiewini being mean are the exact same people who have issues being walked over, being excluded from friendship groups, and in general being doormats.

The number of threads where some drippy OP is upset after having been treated poorly for the millionth time is telling. Maybe if their parents had helped them stand up for themselves their self-worth wouldn’t be in the toilet.

You teach your children from young bullies are dealt with and the bully being excluded or upset is the direct consequence of their nasty behaviour.

So much anger and aggression. I wonder where the children get it from.

Bollocks to inviting her bully to her party! Where are the boundaries??

All this 'rise above it' and 'be the better person' is just teaching our girls to put up with bad behaviour from others, and to try to teach those others how to behave by demonstrating good behaviour. It doesn't work, because there are no consequences for bad behaviour.

What works is valuing yourself enough to choose who and what you want in your life and excluding those who bully you. If all of us excluded bullies, they'd either only have eachother as friends, or they'd change their ways - and either way, that's the win.

Sorry, just a bit confused.
Mean girls party is on weekend before last day ( Tuesday) or on last day? Whichever the other one is, I suggest you go for the other.

Do it.

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd at least one of them it seems, and not being discouraged from doing so by their parents!

Sorry what? 10 year olds fighting over boys?

100% do it. Sounds like everyone will have more fun. And your daughter will remember how you had her back for the rest of her life. And the girl and her Mum will definitely learn a lesson. I would however hope that they ask if they can come and then say something along the lines of "of course, I would never be so cruel as to leave someone out, teaching our children manners is super important no matter how young they are"

Might be area dependant? My sons primary school does a disco organised by the school for years 5 and 6 and you pay £1.50 to go. Nobody that i know of has parties organised by an individual parent. We are in a deprived area though. Secondary school catchment is a bit more mixed though and some people host after prom parties but only a few are invited so some people get multiple invitations and some don't get any.

No I would not. All this #BeKind nonsense is just that. I was always taught to treat "mean girls" as zero, to totally ignore them, they're being horrible, so you don't need their validation or company. My mum was right, you find your tribe and these girls weren't in it.

As an aside, it is damned scary how many young girls are seeking validation from boys so early. I think the modern parlance is thirsty but good God, TikToks should be banned.

Struck me too. That's a different world to when I was ten, when boys and girls led largely separate lives.

My god half the posters on here would have you think that not excluding a child will turn OP’s child into a people pleasing door mat with no self esteem or boundaries 😂 it’s all so dramatic.

I fell out with a girl in primary and didn’t want to invite her to my party. My mum said you either have a big party and invite everyone, or you have a small party with a select few, but you don’t get to use your party to punish or exclude another child. That is exactly what this ‘boy crazy’ girl’s mother should have told her daughter, and what OP should be telling her daughter.

This is not a case where the girl is genuinely being bullied. This is two little girls who have fallen out for a week over a boy and unkind words have been said. They’ll be friends again before you know it and you should prepare for a lot more of this as they grow up.

My niece is 13 and her friendship group is constantly evolving. It’s a tumultuous time and it was the same when I was in school. If OP never lets a girl into their home who has been mean to her child, she’ll never have anyone round by the time she reaches 14!

No, don’t stoop to her level. By all means throw a party but don’t exclude just that one girl, thereby giving credence to the other girl’s behaviour by doing the exact same thing. Set a good example to your daughter, do as you would be done by and be the better person.

It is so scary how these things are cropping up earlier and earlier, my eldest son had a really good friend that was a girl, got on great and was a lovely friendship.
On entry to high school they were teased unmercifully about fancying each other etc to the point the girl said she couldn’t hang out with him anymore because she couldn’t cope with the response of their peers.
If the girl is going to the same school in September as your Dd I would invite her to the party you are having, because it would be better to start the next school year with a bit of a clean slate.
I would explain to your DD that the girl is obviously being mean because she’s jealous of her etc and on issuing the invitation to the other girl I would drop a message to her mum as you have her number and say you’re happy for her DD to attend but she will need to stay and supervise her daughter due to her recent behaviour that you have flagged to the school (make sure you are making the school aware of what’s going on)
That way you are showing your daughter that having good boundaries in place is important, you’re not being spiteful in retaliation and highlighting the girls unacceptable behaviour again to her Mum. Chances are they won’t come, but you’ve still extended the olive branch.
If they aren’t going to the same school after the summer then you can just not invite her and that can be the consequence for her because she’s been vile, but I would be wary of taking a hard stance if they feature in each other as lives going forward.

If my son had said he was rescinding an invite for no other reason than they fancied the same girl (at ten!) I’d tell him to wobble his head or there’d be no party at all. Very poor parenting on the other mum, it’s no wonder her daughter doesn’t know how to behave.

OP and dd have got new (non-toxic) plans.

Everyone went to the beach on my kids last day, no invites just turn up if you want. Leaving parties as a thing must be fairly new are they? (my youngest left primary 2016).

Hope today goes well, how was school drop off. Has she handed out invites?

What would the something else be? Why should the DD look back on leaving primary school being the only person not celebrating it with a party, just because of a jealous bully?

Terrible some of you would quite happily see the OPs DD missing out, and she would be a c* to actually celebrate?! A 10 year old ffs. She deserves a party like everyone else and it's nasty that supposed grown ups are on the side of the bully.

It's never dads telling their sons to rise above things, surpress their feelings, put other people before themselves. It is always mums encouraging their daughters to behave like this.

How can you think that this is good parenting? Forcing your child to feel unsupported, teaching them that their feelings don't matter and that they just have to put up with bullying and abuse? YOU are teaching your child this when you push this #bekind #riseaboveit bullshit on them. YOU are responsible if they grow up with low self esteem, unable to put up healthy boundaries, making themselves miserable because they've been taught to be such weak people pleasers. YOU are to blame if they go on to live their lives surrounded by unhealthy and abusive relationships. Protect your child, protect their feelings. Be a fucking parent. It's not hard

Don't understand some of the comments. Leaving primary school to go to high school is a big deal. The DD thought she was going to a leavers party with her friends which now she isn't, so she's having her own celebration on a different day and not inviting someone who has been mean to her. That's not sinking to their level.

I'm surprised the Mum has allowed this. If it was my daughter I'd tell her to get a grip and stop being so mean! Imagine excluding a friend because you were jealous.

Anyway @freddiewini, I hope your DD has a fabulous party! And I agree with you that she shouldn't be learning that even if people bully you, you have to be nice to them. Terrible lesson to teach your daughters. They'll end up putting up with crap from people their whole lives.

i would absolutely let the other parents know why my daughter had been disinvited. Up to them whether they want their children to an attend the other girl’s party. I know i would have second thoughts about it if I found that had happened

Throwing a party which DD gets to decide the guest list on a day that isn’t the other girls party absolutely fine

doing something just her and her best friend afterwards also absolutely fine

anything else is crossing a line which could cause future issues

@zingally i disagree her DD is already in the crosshairs high school can be a lot smaller than you think if someone goes after you. Which is exactly what the OP wants to avoid but handling it well so the association does just evaporate

it is also important not to have your DD look back and feel bad and that she was petty and a bully. DD had a girl in year 2 hand out invites to everyone other than her - coincidentally DD got invited them to our neighbours riding party so she did win but in a way that she could live with. Because 9 years later the girl dropped out of school because of her issues and her brother is in the same year at high school as DS and they still interact and can do so fine. DD now feels sorry for her and understands what happened and feels fine in her decision making

It would also teach her that she has to miss out on fun stuff because of boys. Remember in all this the message to her daughter will always be that her friends all got to go to a fun party except for her because a boy fancied her. She’s 10. I don’t see any positive messaging about resilience and self respect and kindness (hate that word!) in there.

No it’s not. It’s teaching her daughter not to be a door mat and to stand up for herself! People will think twice about treating her like rubbish in the future!