Dd(10) uninvited from party

😂You can tell I'm not on here much! Thanks for update!

Do you know, you're quite odd!

It's been and gone weeks ago now. In two weeks the schools are back!

The OP has already said she's not holding it the same day?

I think the party's been and gone by now.

Have the party. Dont let your DD rub the other girl's nose in it. Just have some of her friends round to play in the pool etc.

If anything is said then you reply that obviously the girls don't get on so why would the other girl want to come round?

If he's part of the daughter's friendship group then he shouldn't be left out. OP has said that only those boys who are her daughters friends are being invited.

If he's a member of the friendship group, leaving him out would be punishing him.

I'm someone who always used to 'go high' and 'take the moral highground'. Do you know what it did? It taught certain people around me that it's ok to treat me like shit without any repecussions. What it didn't do is make me look like the better person, and it certainly didn't make anyone admire me for my strength of character or any rubbish like that. I just attracted arseholes who treated me like dirt while their lives carried on as normal, with no push back.

NO ONE who chooses to be mean to others reflects on their own behaviour and says, 'Oh wow, I've been awful to that person but they've been so kind back to me, it's really made me think and I need to start being a better person so I can be more like them."

OP, you're teaching your daughter to assert boundaries early and that's a good thing. I didn't learn to do so until my 40s.

Did you invite the boy in question? I hope not.

I’d go with your initial gut feeling: don’t do it. Teach your dau to be a nice person. She has been wronged, talk to her about that, give her confidence about her looks and self. Don’t respond by excluding another child from your party.

100% definitely & make cool mocktails & order pizzas

OP already said that the party would be on a different day.

Absolutely fine to host your own party do it! But not on the same day as the other Girl that is starting war

I’ll remind folk that the “little girl” concerned did more than exclude the OP’s daughter from a party. There were comments about her physical appearance.

I spent my life trying to be the better person.

My first two years at high school were hell and there was one major incident in third year.

I had intended going to our school reunion next month. I’m not going now.

One of the girls who made my life an abject misery - but was on the periphery - got in touch via social media, wanting me to forgive her IF she ever did anything to hurt me.

I told her to forget about it - it’s been a long time.

More and more messages. She wants to meet me in person at the reunion and apologise.

I’ve now told her I can’t go, but to stop worrying - there’s nothing to forgive.

The truth? I’m 65, FGS, and I still get palpitations thinking about those days. My self esteem is still affected. I nearly had plastic surgery because of one of my supposed defects. just hearing from her brought it all back, to the extent where I wished that I’d opted for the surgery.

I’m not saying this to the woman - I assume she has her own mental health issues, but I refuse to be a support animal for someone who contributed to making my life abject misery while I tried to to take the higher ground.

I hope that that the OP’s daughter had a wonderful party.

Calling her an abuser seems over-dramatic.

In my opinion, to know all is to forgive all. The little girl had an instinct and her mother foolishly endorsed it. They didn’t think of the knock-on effects on OP’s daughter. The ultimate knock-on effect is for OP to seek revenge. (That could easily turn into a cycle of negativity for everybody. On a larger scale, that’s how wars start.)

Mean behaviour generally (not always) stems from feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, injustice, thoughtlessness and so on. Everyone on this thread is very happy to forgive OP for her mean idea of excluding a little girl from a party. That’s because we know the backstory. If we didn’t, we’d be encouraging the other family to seek revenge. And who knows, if we heard that family’s backstory we might discover loads of extenuating circumstances. Everybody has stuff in their past which shapes their thinking. Bad experiences. Or stuff like this moment, which will shape the girls, especially if it forms part of an on-going pattern. The most effective way of changing people’s behaviour is not taking revenge (they will probably just double down because they feel harshly treated), it’s engaging with them, understanding them and supportively challenging their ideas.

This just happens to be the way I think and my personality. It means I am very peaceful, chill and happy. I benefit from it much more than the people I “forgive”. But I understand Buddhists actively seek this kind of thinking, in order to achieve similar results.

So she can torment her at her own party???

Look I thought this myself at first, but then I reflected and told myself hold on, surely we wouldn’t invite an abuser to our party, would we?!

How did the party go op? I hope your DD had a grand old time! She absolutely should not miss out and doing so would not be “morally superior” in any way!
Did you hear anything from the other Mum?

Send those invites.

Exactly!

It’s not being kind - it’s about having dignity and not stooping to the low level of the mean girl . Two wrongs don’t make a right.

I’m 50 and am yet to meet anyone not affected by mean behaviour.

Yes, that’s a very important thing to do.

Only if you have next-level self-esteem and self-knowledge are you in a position to remain unaffected by mean behaviour.

I consider that to be the gold standard. But I agree that some people aren’t up to it, unfortunately.

I didn’t say anything about what THEY think. I was talking about not letting MYSELF become unpleasant just because somebody else is. I don’t really care what they think.

Abso-bloomin-lutely GO FOR IT!

@freddiewini just wanted to say I hope your daughter had a lovely party!